Sunday, September 21, 2014

Nurse the Hate: 2014 Hate the NFL Week 3

I will be attending today's Browns v. Ravens game.  I am already annoyed at the crowd.  The following things will happen today.  1.  A guy standing in the lines for the urinals will say "Is this where all the dicks hang out?".  Inexplicably several others guys will laugh at this as if it is the first time they have ever heard this lame joke.  The initial guy that made the remark will then grin ear to ear at how clever he is, feeling like a million bucks.  2.  A guy several rows in front of me will stand up and turn to face the crowd on a second and nine in the first half, angrily waving his arms and screaming for everyone else to "Get up!  Get up!" out of their seats.  He will then sit down and repeat this process during the game, getting increasingly worked up.  He will then complain that "it isn't like it was in the old stadium".  3.  There will be some really drunk guy sitting behind me that will scream profanity laced insults at the Ravens despite the fact that an eleven year old girl is sitting directly in front of him.  This will be language that would cause Redd Foxx to blush.  When ushers eventually come to confront him, he will be the one offended and also settle into the position of "It isn't like it was in the old stadium".

To keep my sanity, I plan on gambling wildly on today's games.  Once again, I have no real idea what is about to happen, but have convinced myself that I know something because I drive around and hear about 37 hours of sports radio a week (effectively decreasing my IQ by 7 points weekly).  There is no other explanation as to why I am taking Washington +6.5 today against the Eagles.  The Redskins look like a mess, though I suspect that they will look better today with kinda shitty Cousins at QB instead of kinda shittier Griffin III.  Philadelphia doesn't cover at home very well, and they are coming off a hard fought Monday night game where lots of dudes limped off the field.  For whatever reason, the East Coast press has focused on the Eagles this year.  I heard a sound byte where a commentator called Eagle coach Brian Kelly "the greatest football coach of all time".  Um, what?  With all that shit talk out there, give me the 6.5 after the Eagles short week.

God help me, but I am taking the Giants +2.5.  Yes, I realize how horrible the Giants have looked.  They looked bad in pre season and then took that right into the regular season to look horrible there too.  However, they are -5 on turnovers in two games while Houston is +5.  These things have a way of leveling out.  I remember hearing a stat once that in the NFL, a team that wins the turnover battle wins 167% of the time (or something like that).  Houston is overrated and the Giants are underrated.  I'll take NY at home with points.  Please note that this breaks my cardinal rule of never betting on truly horrible teams.  I fully expect to lose this but am doing it anyway.

I am taking Seattle at home today -5 over Denver.  I suspect that everyone on the planet is also on Seattle -5, but the facts about the Seahawks covering at home are too much to ignore.  The last time Seattle did not cover at home, powered ships were only a dream.  The Wright Brothers were tinkering in a garage with a "flying machine".  Teddy Roosevelt was president.  Covered wagons rolled in clunky fashion on square tires as the wheel had not yet been invented.  Saber tooth tigers routinely devoured children at school bus stops.  General George Custer led a troop of brave men to their deaths in the First World War fighting the Japanese at Pearl Harbor.  It's all very confusing to pinpoint when the Seahawks last failed to cover at home, OK?  I'm on them.  Seattle -5.

Season Record 3-3


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