Sunday, February 21, 2016

Nurse the Hate: Hate The Papers

When I am home on the weekend I spend the morning with The Papers.  I like saying "The Papers" like I am Hemingway or Fitzgerald sitting in a boutique hotel getting caught up in far flung events that happened weeks ago as I work through a pot of coffee and dictate letters.  However, the reality is that I sit at the kitchen table with the Plain Dealer and New York Times with a sad little bowl of cereal.  Still, I work my way through the massive Sunday Times like a goddamn trooper, diligently reading reviews of art openings I will never attend.  I also really like the global coverage in the Times as I can have a bare bones idea of what is going on in countries I visit.  Like the next time I go to Mexico, I want to know which cartel is cutting my head off, not just "a cartel".  The devil is in the details.

Most of the news is the same every day with small details changing.  For the next few months I will be like you and forced to slog through endless political coverage.  To save you some time, I will distill it all down into the facts you need to know.  Donald Trump is a dangerous egomaniac that will put his name on every government building prior to getting us into World War 3.  Ted Cruz is a smarmy little turd no one likes that will get us involved in World War 3 but not until he has taken all civil liberties away.  Marco Rubio might be an automaton.  He is the definition of "empty suit".  Hillary Clinton can't tell the truth about anything because at this point she has no idea what the real truth is and can't figure out why no one likes her.  Bernie Sanders has some great sounding ideas that will never work in the real world and has no chance of being elected.  No matter who wins this thing, we will all be sick of them at the end of the process and they will fail to live up to a single campaign promise.

The real news is a little further inside the paper.  In my opinion, the biggest news story of 2016 was deep on page six in today's morning edition.  

PATOS, Brazil, Feb. 17 (UPI) -- Firefighters were called to a bar in Brazil to remove a drunk and belligerent monkey that downed a glass of rum and armed itself with a kitchen knife.  The local fire department in Patos, Paraiba, said they were called to a bar Feb. 5 on a report of an aggressive monkey with a kitchen knife chasing men.  Fire department Lt. Col. Saul Laurentino said the monkey drank a glass of rum at the bar before picking up the knife and chasing after men, leaving the women alone.  "It was a bar staff oversight that ended with the monkey drinking some rum and taking the knife," Laurentino told the aRede website.

Locals captured video of the monkey using the kitchen knife to scratch at the bar's roof.  The monkey was captured by firefighters and released back into the wild, but the mischievous primate was later captured a second time for acting aggressively toward residents of homes near the woods.

First of all, I love that a monkey got drunk and chased men around with a butcher knife.  However, the best part was that the reason a monkey got drunk on rum was "a staff oversight".  For example, a monkey sitting at the bar isn't odd.  The fact he was over served rum AND given access to a butcher's knife was the issue.  What a magical wonderful world we live in.  Don't get bogged down in politics and pointless noise.  The real news is out there.


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