Friday, September 23, 2016

Nurse the Hate: The Big Winner Week 3

A friend of mine is in Las Vegas this weekend.  The last time she was out there she couldn’t lose.  I think she lit up the NFL for six of six winners.  She won so much money that she had an entire tasting menu prepared at La Cirque and then tossed it into the fake lake at the Bellagio just because she could.  She filled her hotel suite toilets with Cristal just so she could ironically urinate all the Bud Light she drank at the sports book into them.  She didn’t purchase a Pete Rose autograph at The Hit King’s sad little table in the Forum Shops.  She actually purchased Pete Rose, who she then forced to mow her grass and perform various menial tasks around her home until he finally escaped and got back to Las Vegas shivering in the back of a refrigerated semi-truck.    

My thought is that I should “counter select” on all of her wagers this weekend as I feel very strongly she will regress to the mean.  Whenever the NFL provides six winners, it can be counted on that the Gods of Fortune will provide a swift “correction”.  I suspect that by 2:30pm PST Sunday she will be offering up handjobs to sailors outside the Gold Spike just to gather up enough money for a 99 cent foot long hot dog.  Fate is a cruel mistress.  One moment you are riding high and the next you’re checking coin return slots in gas stations for a chance to “get back in the action”.  The problem is I probably have no chance of reaching her as she is swaggering around the Hard Rock pool all drunk up promising "sure winners" having no idea of the staggering swift reversal of fortune coming her way in a day and a half.  

Sometimes you find yourself in a deep dark valley.  A thick black cloud has settled down on you like a shroud of doom.  There is no light.  Everyone has turned on you.  There is little reason to keep on with the grim toil.  Each day you struggle to get out of bed, sure that the day will be filled with more bitter disappointment.  Your dreams have disappeared like smoke.  You wonder how you can put one foot in front of the other.  Then you see it.  A tiny little flickering beacon of hope.  Tampa -6.  Praise Jesus. 

The Rams have yet to score a touchdown.  They lost 28-0 to the 49ers, a team that is universally regarded somewhere in the grey area between “Godawful” and “shit show”.  Now they go on the road to play Tampa in the Bucs first home game.  Tampa got smoked last week by an elite Arizona team.  The Public will remember that game as well as the Rams somehow beating an overrated Seattle team in their first home game in LA 9-3.  This is a game I think the books are begging the public to take the points.  This is why I am swiftly going the other way.  Tampa doesn’t need to score 31 points.  They just need a touchdown more than a Ram team that can’t do dick on offense.  Tampa -6.

Speaking of Arizona, they will be trumpeted as The Best Team of All Time in all the pre-game shows this week.   “They beat Tampa 41-7!  They may never lose again!”  This week they have to travel from Phoenix to Buffalo for an early game.  Buffalo coach Rex Ryan has his back against the wall.  He fired his offensive coordinator in the hopes no one would notice how badly his brother sucks at his job.  This fucking guy really needs a win.  He can’t coach worth shit, but his players seem to love him.  I think that alone prevents an Arizona cover.  Buffalo, despite looking very Buffalo yet again in 2016, usually plays well at home.  I can totally see them losing on a heartbreaking late field goal as the Ryan Brothers chug off the field afterwards with clenched jaws.  Doesn’t cover though.  I hate to give more than a field goal at home, much less to a team that is traveling to an early time zone for a 1p kickoff.  Buffalo +4.5

I have a few opinions.  One should never skimp on toilet paper, cheese, or shoes.  Mick Jagger is a better life coach than Tony Robbins.  There's something to the idea that one of the greatest regrets in life is being what others want you to be rather than being yourself.  Most importantly, all the teams in the NFC East are essentially equally good/bad.  There is no reason not to think that Dallas/NY/Philly/Washington couldn’t beat/lose to Dallas/NY/Philly/Washington on any given Sunday.  Take the Giants v Washington game this week.  Eli could either throw six touchdowns or six interceptions.  Who the hell knows?  However, with Washington you’ll get 4.5 points and that at least provides some sort of edge.  Washington +4.5


Season Record:  5-1        


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