Nurse the Hate: NFL Week 8

The Browns are going to London this weekend.  When they scheduled this game, they thought it would be a nice little junket where maybe they could pull out a win.  Perhaps the players could get their picture taken in front of Big Ben.  The team could run their clients out to watch the changing of the guard hoping that would help renew their ill-advised sponsorships with these clients.  Then they can swing on over to the stadium to play the Vikings.  Maybe they could catch the Vikings off guard and win the game.  I’ve been to London.  Things definitely didn’t turn out like I planned.  It’s not going to for the Browns either.

The Browns are getting 9.5 points.  That’s a ton of points against an injured Case Keenum led Vikings.  The Vikings will score about 21 points.  That’s generally not enough to win most games in the NFL.  However, the Browns will be starting DeShone Kizer at QB again.  The Browns believe he is the Future Of The Franchise.  That is an interesting thought.  It’s like me believing I’m a future astronaut.  Or maybe me thinking I will become a rodeo clown.  These are things which aren’t impossible, just unlikely. 

I remain pessimistic about Kizer because after 7 games he is having the worst season for a quarterback in the NFL this century.  That is a staggering fact.  Any shitbag quarterback that you have seen lose money for you with a backbreaking INT is better.  Blaine Gabbert.  Jimmy Clausen.  Charlie Frye.  Danny Wuerffel.  Kyle Boller.  Anyone on that murderer’s row is a better choice to lead a team to a close loss than Kizer.  A win is out of the question.  Can they get within ten?  21-13 Vikings is a Browns cover.  Vikings up 21-6, Browns get a garbage time TD and there’s the cover! 

I will always associate London with disappointment.  I know if I bet this game I will lose and be disappointed yet again.  It’s when you know you are going to get hurt, but you do it anyway is when you can begin to question your sanity.  It reminds me of when Leo told me he was painting a garage with a ladder just a little too short.  He decided to reach for a spot he knew he probably couldn’t safely reach.  “Dude, I knew I probably couldn’t make it.”  What happened Leo?  “I fell off the ladder.”

I’m on the ladder and reaching for it.  Vikings -9.5

The Houston Texans are something I don’t think about very often.  I keep them in my mind in the same compartment where I keep Kohl’s Department Store, Indian Restaurants, Bruce Springsteen records, live theater, and Orlando FL.  These are all things that are theoretically of value, but just don’t resonate with me.  I am aware of what they are, but I am not invested in them at all.  That is going to change this Sunday when I make the cardinal sin of betting against the Seattle Seahawks at home by taking the Texans with the points.

Most degenerate gamblers will tell you that Seattle always covers at home.  It is one of those things that is self-evident like ventriloquist dummies being creepy, or gingerbread houses always being a welcome gift.  However, when I looked into it, I discovered Seattle was 10-8 against the spread at home.  Vegas has adjusted these lines to prey upon this “self-evident” idea.  This is because Las Vegas has been created exclusively to destroy dreams, feast on human weakness, and provide a geographic location for conventioneers to ejaculate into strangers.  They do not have your best interests in mind. 

I believe in DeShaun Watson.  I’m in on this kid.  He’s the new Russell Wilson.  I will take the new Russell Wilson with the points.  Houston +6.   

I got burned with Carolina last weekend.  They gave up two defensive touchdowns and somehow lost to the Bears despite Tribisky completing four (4) forward passes.  My high school team never threw the ball.  We ran a variation of a wing-T offense from 1951.  Playing receiver on that team was like dressing up as football player to watch other guys play a football game while standing on the field.  We completed more than 4 passes a game.  I am going to chock that loss to the Bears up to “embarrassing like shitting your pants at a wedding reception” embarrassing.  It happened.  Now we must move on.

Carolina goes to Tampa this Sunday.  They are a good team to “get right” against.  They have no pass rush.  In 6 games, they have managed 7 sacks.  That’s going to be good for Cam Newton, who seems to get absolutely destroyed every week.  Tampa is 1-4-1 ATS this year.  When teams go on “Hard Knocks” on HBO, the public tends to think more highly of them.  Tampa had plenty of buzz coming into the season.  They just can’t seem to win football games.  The Panthers are 6-2 against Tampa in the last 8 meetings.  The road team is 5-1 ATS in this matchup.  Panthers are 4-0 ATS in Tampa.  Most importantly, I am betting on Carolina not being as bad as that horrible display in Chicago last weekend.  So I am taking Carolina as part of a tease with...       

The Chargers moved to Los Angeles for a reason I still can’t figure out.  They had a reasonable fan base in San Diego.  True, they weren’t like crazy fans in the Midwest.  Here when your team loses, the scene in homes is like this:  “Timmy, get the belt from Daddy’s closet.  I’m going to have to beat you and the dog.  Daddy’s team lost.  Bite down on your crying stick.  Go on now…”.  I have been to San Diego.  I saw them lose in heartbreaking fashion in the AFC Playoffs.  Afterwards everyone left the bar smiling in their powder blue jerseys and went to get fish tacos at the beach.  It’s a much more reasonable approach.

Now the Chargers are in Los Angeles where no one cares.  The NFL wants a team in LA due to it being an immense media market.  They wanted it so badly they moved two teams out there.  They just refuse to face the fact that people like movies out there, not NFL football.  Every crappy waitress out there thinks she is going to be an actress.  Every shitty bellhop has a terrible screenplay.  They are all on the make for “their big break” which is never coming.  They don’t have time to watch a subpar Chargers team.

Very quietly, the Chargers have been playing pretty decent football.   They’ve won three in a row.  They’ve lost to good teams close.  I think the Patriots will beat the Chargers, but the Chargers just always sort of hang around in games.  They are getting 7.5 points in Foxboro, where the Patriots have lost straight up twice already.  With the tease with Carolina that moves the line to Carolina+9.5/Chargers +13.5.

Season Record:  6-9