Nurse the Hate: New Year's Resolutions 2018

They say that it greatly increases your chance of fulfilling resolutions if you write them down and make them somewhat tangible.  Of course, “they” say a lot of things, most of which are wrong.  That’s the problem with “they”.  It’s always so difficult to tell when “they” might be right.  In this case, there probably isn’t much of a downside if “they” are wrong, so I am going to go with it.  I have found that if I make a public declaration of doing something, I usually do it.  Well, I try my best anyway.

Studies have shown that 10% of people’s resolutions go out the window the first week.  80% of them don’t last the year.  The problem is that these resolutions are generally not tangible and achievable.  To make a resolution like “I’m going to be a better person” is horseshit.  That doesn’t mean anything.  “I’m going to help at the Hunger Shelter three times a week” is tangible.  The other part is the achievability of it.  Just as “I’m going to lose weight” is doomed for failure, so is “I’m going to go from a Size 14 to becoming a Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Model by July 1^st”.  It’s just not possible mate.  Stay in your shoes.  Make the goal possible.

Last year I had decided I was going to enter and win the Ernest Hemingway Marlin Tournament in Cuba.  This was a stretch, but at that time it was theoretically possible to at least get into the tournament.  Between the both of us, I would have needed to get people that knew what the hell they were doing as the last sizeable fish I caught on my own was a trout.  The whole idea was doomed as I would have had to throw large sums of money at the issue and somehow cajole a local fishing captain to take me if I ponied up for the entry fee and supplies.  I would have likely spent a week barfing off the side of a rickety Cuban fishing vessel.  I didn’t take into account that the Trump Administration would undo the progress between Cuba and the United States so quickly.  While I don’t think a sound foreign policy is “we’re going to do the opposite of what the last guy did”, there isn’t much I can do about it.  Just getting into Cuba now is a trick.  I am going to have to admit failure there.

The important thing is to get right back on the resolution horse.  Let’s get this New Year's Resolution thing focused.  At the risk of sounding cliché, I am resolving to lose at least seven pounds.  2017 was difficult in many ways.  In my quest to get the WSET Diploma, I have tasted an astounding number of wines.  This translates to me always having an open bottle of wine at the house, and therefore always drinking wine.  I also had constant unhealthy levels of stress all year.  This has led to me pushing my weight up just past the acceptable level.  I know exactly where that line is too.  It's the "do these jeans make me look fat?", "No, your ass makes you look fat" line.  Once you accept the dryer didn't shrink the pants and you are the reason the waist is snug, you have begun the path to redemption. It's not crazy, but things can slide fast.  I need to get this under control.

There are a zillion diet plans out there.  Almost all of these rely on the same principal.  If you increase the calorie burn while decreasing the bad calorie intake, you will lose weight.  It’s very simple math.  My issue is that I work out on a regular basis now.  This means I need to increase the length and exertion of my workouts.  Considering I just tore the shit out of my quad while almost slipping on the ice like a senior citizen on Saturday, that is going to make for a slow start on that end.  Being hurt all January is going to be a drag.  I don’t want to have to do 3 hours of water aerobics as my only exercise option due to injury.  I will do what I have to do though.  I will get that flower bathing cap like the other nice ladies in the pool if necessary.  I might even pick up the gals at the senior center to drive them over.  It can be a new peer group for me. 

I went on a crazy diet once for a couple months to see how much weight I could lose.  I stopped eating anything with meat, cheese, or had been fried.  I stopped drinking all alcohol.  I lost so much weight so quickly that co-workers kept asking my supervisor if I was sick.  I had to buy new pants because nothing I owned fit any longer.  There wasn’t one person that said, “Wow!  You look great!”.  I did have a dozen people sit me down and say, “Is everything OK?  Can I do anything?” with sad eyes.  A couple asked if I had cancer.  This suggest that approach might be a bit too radical for seven pounds.  There is a lesson learned though in that if I shift my diet in addition to the water aerobics with the gals I can get there.  I can get that done.  Let’s move on.

I allowed the simple joy of playing music to get taken away from me over the last couple of years.  The best part about being in a band is the shared focus of making something you are all enthusiastic about.  After you leave school and enter the cruel world, almost nothing in daily life affords this same sense of community.  When you get in a band, it should be a shared bond that is a brotherhood.  Playing music together should be one of the most intimate things besides sex that you can do with someone else.  If it doesn't have that electricity, something is wrong.  I am committed to making some radical changes to get that back.  I am ready to embrace positive change with writing and performing.  Look for some interesting things from the Whiskey Daredevils coming up in 2018.  I am very excited about some things on the horizon.  I still think I have a few good records left in me. 

I will complete the dreaded WSET Diploma by passing my sixth and final exam.  I am knee deep in sparkling wine right now.  I have books on champagne, maps of vineyards, and explanations of "atmospheres of pressure" that make almost no sense to me.  It should be noted that while more serious scholars than I were studying physics, I was making wisecracks in art class.  This is coming back to haunt me now.  The only thing that keeps me going is the idea of El Mysterioso walking across the stage in the historic Guildhall in London in full regalia to accept his lapel pin or whatever it is they award at the WSET Diploma ceremony.  That will be worth the flight over the Atlantic.

I am going to travel to Burgundy.  It what can be best described as a "complete boondoggle", I was not allowed to board a flight for France from the UK last year as it was discovered that my passport would expire in 72 days.  "I'm sorry sir.  You cannot board the flight and go to the EU with a passport set to expire in less then 90 days."  She was quite British about it, which I appreciated.  I like that trait of being able to convey remorse about the situation while also maintaining absolute strict adherence to policy.  Meanwhile, I am thinking that I was already in the EU as I had gone through customs at Heathrow.  When I questioned why I couldn't go from England to France as I was already in the European Union, she looked at me and said, "Well, England is just different.".  Ah.  I see.  Long story short is that you can go to England with 60 days left on your passport but need 90 for the rest of Europe.  I don't know why the last day you can travel isn't the actual date of expiration as that would seem to be the very point of the expiration date in the first place, but there it is.

Now I feel I need to get to Burgundy because I was told I couldn't.  I am not sure if I am even excited to see the place and drink the wines so much as to feel vindicated when I stand in the village of Beaune.  I might even make the trip on a weekend just to say I did it.  It's a flight to Paris, train to Lyon, local train to Beaune taking at least a full day.  I could leave Thursday afternoon.  I would arrive in Beaune Friday late afternoon.  Within 22 hours on Saturday, I would have to get back to Paris to make my flight back to Ohio on Sunday.  That way I could have the following conversation with my wine cohorts.  "Have you ever been to Burgundy?"  Yes, just once.  "Don't you love the area around Nuits-St-Georges?"  I don't know.  I only saw the train station in Beaune.  I was there 19 hours and slept for 10 of them.  "Oh..."  Then I can just stare expressionlessly ahead.

I am looking forward to 2018.  2017 was sort of a bust.  I am going into this year wide eyed and full of hope.  Things felt out of control last year.  Maybe this is the year all my dreams come true.  The great news is that if it is, I will quickly manufacture new dreams.  If you aren't moving ahead, you are falling behind.  Foward...

Happy new year.