Nurse the Hate: The Espresso Situation and NFL Week 11

It has been a week of crisis.  I had forgotten to order my Illy espresso capsules on Amazon, the single least cost effective/environmentally conscious way to have a small cup of rocket fuel in the morning.  I got that espresso monkey on my back a few years ago when I went to Portugal on a redeye and needed to stay awake until a reasonable hour to re-acclimate my body clock.  I was sitting outside in an outdoor café in Lisbon, the sun shining down on me, drinking a black sludgy espresso and thought “I like this.  Why did I stop drinking these?”.  And just like that, I was back on the junk.

While wandering around France and having their notoriously bad coffee, I stumbled into an Illy branded café.  Besides the high quality of the espresso, the smart Italian design won me over.  I’m a sucker for good packaging.  Next thing I know, there’s an overpriced Illy espresso machine on my counter and I’m locked in to only buying their capsules as none other will work in the machine.  Damn.  That’s how they get their hooks into you.  Now I’m a slave to the Pusherman and his expensive capsules.

I’m not sure how my good friends at Amazon and their legion of digital product pushing slaves allowed me to run out of powder.  Yet, on Monday morning I discovered an empty tin of capsules.  This left me no other choice than to go to the dreaded suburban Starbucks.  This is a mission fraught with danger.  The sheer amount of wasted time that is possible in a suburban Starbucks cannot be overstated.  I am sure there is a graph available that illustrates the number of suburban women ordering multi ingredient drinks involving whipped cream, caramel, chocolate, gummy bears, and pixie sticks versus average time spent in the establishment.  A quick word of advice…  Never, under any circumstances, enter a Starbucks line behind four college girls in sweat pants.  There will be more whipped cream and “double pumps” involved than any porn movie from the 1970s.  You’ll never get out of that line.  

However, perhaps the biggest issue of all is when standing behind someone that somehow arrives at the counter unprepared.  I really need someone to walk me through this.  The guy in front of me is fucking around on his phone while waiting for the yoga pant legion to order their high calorie dessert drinks masquerading as coffee before he can order.  I am 100% ready with my order.  I am focused and cognizant of everyone else in line probably also being under a time constraint.  I wrongly assume this is a shared state of mind.  That is confirmed when the guy in front of me looks up from his phone to the woman at the counter and says the following.  “Umm…  Ahhh…. Let’s see…”

Look man, did this actually come as a complete surprise to you that you would eventually be asked what you wanted?  Were you stunned to discover all the options available to you despite standing directly in front of these options for a solid 10-12 minutes with nothing else to do but narrow down why you walked into this store in the first place?  I almost killed him when he began to squint closer at the bakery case and say “I was thinking about the egg sandwich” as if to float this concept by the woman at the counter that he would receive the positive affirmation to pull the trigger on the order.  “An egg sandwich?  What a devilishly clever idea!  Let’s discuss your drink options and see if we can zero in on something that might be perfect for you!”  I spent less time buying my last car.

Look, I need to stay out of that Starbucks.  I also need some NFL winners this week.  That’s why I am getting on the Kansas City Chiefs +3.5 over the Rams.  This game was supposed to be played in Mexico City.  The cerebral Boy Wonder coach Sean McVeigh decided to give his Rams an edge by practicing at altitude in Denver all week to get ready for Mexico City’s conditions.  Little did he know that the NFL flew down to check out the conditions in Mexico City and found out the field was totally fucked up, as things in Mexico are generally fucked up.  Game cancelled in Mexico City and now to be played in LA.  This means that the Rams played in LA on Sunday, flew out to Denver on Monday, got the word on Tuesday, and then flew back to LA on Wednesday.  That’s not ideal while trying to prepare for arguably the best team in the NFL.  So, to review, you get the best offense in the league + 3.5 points against a road weary team with an overrated defense.  I will have a doppio espresso and Kansas City +3.5.

We all have things we would like to do.  I would like to go deep water cage diving with great white sharks.  I would like to travel to the Piedmont wine region of Italy.  I would like to lounge in the lobby of the Peninsula Hotel with champagne and good conversation.  I would like to be able to reliably pronounce French wine label words.  I would also like to believe in the Chicago Bears.

I had a lengthy conversation with a friend that spent a good chunk of time trying to convince me the Bears are loaded!  When I think of the Bears, I think of second rate offense struggling in the wind and mud while bundled up fans look on with irritated facial expressions.  That might be of a result of my mind being frozen in time as a clearly outgunned Bears QB Bob Avellini ran around tossing interceptions in the 1970s.  The play of Bob Avellini is a childhood trauma, like the time I got hit in the temple with a rock from that finky Spath kid, or when I got bullied as a seven year old by our bus driver because I was a “hippie”.  Side note, though I did have long hair for the time and place, it should be clear that I was about as square as can be, though I did own a copy of the “Woodstock” movie soundtrack.  I think the bus driver’s physically aggressive behavior led to my unease with public transportation while the Woodstock double LP led to an otherwise unexplained fondness for Jefferson Airplane.

Let’s not get too sidetracked in psychoanalysis.  Here’s what I see.  The Vikings defense keeps playing well.  The defense has the allowed the lowest 3^rd down conversion in football.  That keeps them in every game.  The Vikings have had a couple of big stage losses that taint public perception on them.  Yet they have won 4 of their last 6 and the losses were one score games to the Rams and Saints.  Meanwhile the Bears have won 3 of 5, the wins being against the uninspiring trio of Buffalo/Jets/Lions with the losses to Patriots and Dolphins.  I’m not bought in on the Bears being able to beat good teams while in the limelight on Sunday night.  This game will be close, so I will tease the Vikings with the Chargers.

The Chargers do what good NFL teams do, win the games they are supposed to win.  Are they the best team in the AFC?  Nope.  Are they better than the Broncos?  Yes, they are!  The Broncos are 1-3 on the road, and get exposed when they leave the oxygen depleted confines of Mile High.  The Chargers will probably win a game closer than it should be, but that’s all we’ll need.  The Chargers are a great team to root for if you are looking to have a team you like lose in the first round of the playoffs.  Surf’s up.  Vikings +8.5/San Diego -1

Season Record:  7-7