Nurse the Hate: Pterodactyls and NFL Week 10

 

If you're like me, and I think you are, you thank your lucky stars that pterodactyls are no longer an issue.  Sure, life would be a lot more exciting if you had to scan the skies to see if a flying reptile with a 36 foot wingspan was cruising overhead looking for food (you).  The consistent presence of an apex predator flapping overhead would dramatically change everything.  "Honey, remember the Johnsons are coming for dinner tonight.  Set the table for three, not four.  Their son Billy was taken by a pterodactyl Tuesday."  Then you'd have to come up with the goddamn small talk to minimize it.  "Hey Ron, heard what happened to Billy.  Hey... what can you do?  It's part of growing up.  We must have had seven kids in my class taken my sophomore year.  He was at the bus stop shelter pod I heard?  Is that right?  Ohhhh... playing with his friends by the park?  Hmmm... We had heard it was at the bus stop.  Yeah... Ah... No shelter pods over there at the park...  You want another Bud Light Lime?"

I suppose an entire secondary industry would pop up around the "pterodactyl problem".  Shelters for public gatherings.  Metal roof protection over stadiums and outdoor concert venues.  Electric currents running on the roof of your car.  "Has this happened to you?  (shot of pterodactyl ripping open a Subaru and eating a family like they were peel and eat shrimp, family screaming, general carnage). Why let a pterodactyl be an issue when Beak Stop can prevent up to 60% of all unwanted reptile attacks on YOUR family!  Just hit the Confidence Switch and Beak Stop will send 200,000 volts massaging the roof of your car.  The sound of crackling electricity is the sound of peace of mind!".

Outdoor grilling, a bastion of masculinity, becomes a real test of manhood when slow roasting meat on you Green Egg also entails the potential of a massive creative diving down on you.  I think maybe the move would be to work in a team where one guy checks the ribs and then the other guy mans some sort of harpoon cannon.  "Jackie!  Get that sauce on!  I think we got one swooping in!"  Tuesday garbage day would have common sights of tattered outdoor umbrellas.  "We had Cindy's Mom over, and we were just tucking into some chicken salad when one of those goddamn pterodactyls swung in and ripped up the whole fucking picnic.  Now I gotta go to Lowes and get a new umbrella.  Third one this summer."

There would be cries to "cull the flocks", but animal rights activists would file injunctions, making action impossible.  Great debates would rage in town hall meetings.  "Why do we keep paying for these pterodactyl sirens when we can just shoot the damn things?"  Gasp emitted from half of the room.  General murmering.  Bang of a gavel.  Order!  Order!  Half of the people drive around with cute cartoon pterodactyl stickers on their cars, the other half with manly anti-dinosaur weapon glorification decals.  Who needs that?  We really dodged a bullet with these pterodactyls.  Life could have been a lot different.

It's like covid.  Who would have thought a couple years ago that the Minnesota Vikings would have lost a starting offensive lineman to a virus and now he's in the hospital?  They have five players on the Covid list this week, Cook has had to answer questions about domestic violence issues, and Vikings Fan Forums are starting to run polls titled "Which veteran QB can replace Kirt Cousins?".  As Leo would say, "It's a little fucked up.".  Cousins is well documented playing poorly out of his 1p comfort zone, and this week they are in LA to play the Chargers, a team that is a step up in quality over the Vikings.  It's a lost season in Minnesota, and it seems a bit much to ask for a win here.  Chargers -3

Jordan Love showed last week that the Green Bay Packers are going to have to pay Aaron Rodgers anything he wants.  Love appeared to be like an even less effective DeShone Kizer, one of the worst starting QBs in NFL history and now ex-Titan backup.  When you get released in favor of Matt Barkley, it's time to find a new line of work.  It appears that Aaron Rodgers is a real pain in the ass, possessing a magnificent ego but fortunately with all the tools to back it up.  I think he is going to go out and throw for 1000 yards on Sunday as an exclamation point after Love's horrific start against the Chiefs.  The line has moved from -5 to -3.5 as The Public seems to think Russell Wilson will carry a crappy Seahawk team to victory.  If he does, he will need to score about 40.  Green Bay -3

I don't think the Chiefs are going to flip some kind of switch and become The Mighty Chiefs.  The Raiders have had every horrible thing happen to them a franchise could have happen, and they just hang in there.  Now they are at home, getting points, playing a Kansas City team that wasn't exactly "lights out" against a Packers team playing with a guy off the street at QB.  The Raiders can get pressure with their front, so they will play that two safety deep set that shuts off Hill.  With Vegas you get the better team, points, and fade a public that hasn't abandoned what Kansas City was and accepted what Kansas City is.  Vegas +2.5

Season Record:  11-18