Nurse the Hate: Thoughts On The NFL Draft

 

I was watching some of the NFL Draft last night, and came to the conclusion that it is a modern marvel of entertainment.  Running across three networks, ABC/ESPN/NFL Network, they have made a mega TV event of people walking to a podium and reading names.  I watch a ton of football, but once you get past the top five prospects and some of the Ohio State guys, I have no idea who anybody is.  Yet, I find myself having an opinion on why the Giants drafted the Florida St edge rusher (who I've never previously heard of) instead of the Big 10 offensive guard (who I definitely have never heard of).    

Each player is introduced and broken down by the talking heads as if these guys know anything except what their computer screen is telling them.  I mean, do you think Booger McFarland knows anything more than you about a cornerback from the University of Cincinnati?  Sure, someone at the Network typed in a bunch of useful notes down, but just because Booger is reading them doesn't mean he ever saw the player or is even capable of evaluating the guy even if he did.  That's the bottom line on this.  NONE of these guys know anything.  Hell, most of the teams spend a kazillion dollars and have reams of information on all these players and THEY still fuck it up.  There are 32 teams and probably 10 good scouting departments.  That's it.

The bets part of the draft is the TV shot into the pick's home or in the green room.  I find it absolutely compelling to try and break down the social structure of what is happening.  I think it was Georgia lineman Devonte Wyatt that got picked by Green Bay surrounded by 25 people who all immediately started trying to hug him while simultaneously taking video with their phones.  Instantly you saw that his life was now going to be focused on trying to swat these people away from his wallet.  There's always a weird dynamic on the couch shots in player's homes too.  It's always the same.  An enormous player is sitting next to his assertive mother with his prom night attired girlfriend anxiously flanking him.  There is a passive aggressive situation when the player has to choose to hug his mother or his girlfriend, one of them sure to shoot him daggers when he chooses the other.  

The looks into the Team Command Centers on Draft Night are great too.  My favorite are when we go into teams that always fuck shit up like the Jets.  Those guys were so smug last night, high fiving their Bros in their sport jackets and white soled "sneaker loafers".  This is the organization that took Zach Wilson #2 last year and running back Elijah Moore in the second round.  Who can forget their "high impact receiver" pick of Denzel Mims in 2020?  Yet, they are absolutely certain they got it right this time.  The good news for them is that with all their maneuvering they got a bunch of high profile picks last night.  The bad news is that in the Fall they will have to be Jets and go 5-12.  These next few months those Bros will be strutting around having been convinced they "won" the draft though.  The best part of being a Jet fan is the offseason.

I think ultimately it's fun to watch because you see 32 people win a lottery.  Out of all the people their age that play football, these people were so good that they were better than everyone at the college level, an incredible feat unto itself.  Now, on national TV, they are awarded not only life changing money and a measure of fame, but the greatest prize as perceived by viewers, a glorious future of unlimited success.  A man takes a card to a podium and says "This young man is going to get a whole bunch of money and is going to live in THIS city and wear THIS uniform.".  It's too bad all careers don't have an interview process that ends with a televised event that says "John Doe, salesman, drafted by KPIG-FM, San Francisco."  Then the guy sitting in his apartment in Toledo is embraced by his crying mother and has to pack to drive to his new job across the country.  There are enough channels.  Someone should do this.

By the way, before you think "man, all those guys have it made", remember this.  No. 1 overall draft picks average just 69 games, or four seasons.  NFL=Not For Long.  For most of these guys, this will be the highlight of their lives.  The games will only be a crash back to reality that there is another level to ascend, and most can't do it.  Bring on Round 2.  Let's see some more crying Moms and player's bad suits.