Nurse the Hate: Rioja and the Final NFL Week

 

I have been to the Rioja region of Spain three times.  The first time I didn’t know what Rioja was and Bobby Latina blew up a Fender Twin.  I couldn’t hear correctly for three days and still have a slight ringing in my ears at all times.  The second time I was in a Sprinter van with the Whiskey Daredevils and looked around and saw vines after a long drive through a tundra where we had been shanghai-ed by a couple of local Spanish cops that tried to steal our money.  I remember Christoph was driving.  We were in the middle of fucking nowhere.  It sort of looked like Montana.  We passed a small white cop car who immediately pulled out to follow us.  This made some sense in that we were in a green van with the phrase “LSD Trips” painted down the side.  Why a rock n’ roll tour van company would choose to advertise that their clients were likely breaking whatever substance laws of the place they were driving through seems a curious business plan.  We can’t give you your van back if it has been impounded. 

 

You haven’t lived until you have had German cops pull you over near the Dutch border asking for “your papers”.  I was nervous as shit and I hadn’t even done anything illegal in the last 48 hours.  I did regret not casting to memory the phrase “Das sind nicht meine Drogen.  Das sind Leos.  Bringen Sie mich sofort zur Amerikanischen Botschaft.” Or “Those are not my drugs.  Those are Leo’s.  Take me to the American Embassy at once.”  A flashlight beam to the face.  A check of the passport.  A little flower talk from Christoph.  We were on our way.  Not that time in Spain though.  Those cops didn’t give a shit about “our papers”.  They saw an easy mark.

 

We had kept all of our tour money in a concealed safe under the passenger seat in the second row of seats.  The van did a poor job of deferring unwanted attention, but that safe was very well hidden.  When the cops pulled us over, it was allegedly because we didn’t have our seatbelts on.  Christoph and whoever was riding shotgun did, and there was no way they could have seen us in back, but it didn’t appear that we would have been able to successfully argue ourselves out of the situation that way.  The cops sized us up, and told us we have some insane fine that we had to pay for each of the three guys that weren’t wearing seatbelts.  They wanted something like 450 euros.  They were very adamant that the best way to handle this was to just pay them the fine directly in cash.  This was obviously a lie.  We countered with our own lie.  We claimed not to have any cash.  This pissed them off as our lie was an effective counter to their lie, and they then refused to let us leave unless we paid them via a credit card.  Holy shit were they pissed when Krusty pulled out a credit card to pay it.  I mean, what could they do?  All of our various lies had run their course.

 

I can’t recall if Krusty called his credit card company to refute the charge.  I remember I argued strongly that he should do so as these guys were local cops from what I now suspect to be a small town in the autonomous region of Aragon.  Krusty, concerned that he would be detained at the airport later that week in some sort of scene reminiscent of “Midnight Express” was quite hesitant to do so.  I don’t remember if he cancelled that charge, but I do know that he has not returned to Spain.  Perhaps The Jackal (aka Krusty) is still being monitored on the Interpol grid.  I forget.  But at least those cops didn’t steal our money and we got out of Spain without incident.  In fact, the people of Rioja were quite welcoming. 

 

The last time I was in Rioja we played a gig with The Godfathers, a late 1980s Brit post punk band I always liked.  The band has two Irish brothers at its core, the Coyne Brothers.  I remember a few things about that gig.  We had a pre-show meal with the band at a local restaurant and drank some Rioja wine.  I knew by then what good wine was, but this wasn’t it.  I mean, it was OK, but in the promotor’s defense, there was no reason to bust out La Rioja Alta Gran Riserva to a bunch of goons that wouldn’t know the difference.  We played our set and in the small dressing room afterwards, Chris the bass player said “Was that lyric in that Wichita Buzzcut song “my teeth are like toothpicks, too much crystal meth”?.  When I told him it was, he nodded and laughed.  “That’s pretty good mate.”  Those guys then went out and played great, as good as when I had seen them in the late 1980s at Peabody’s Down Under.  At one point Peter Coyne, the singer, jumped off the stage and hit some guy in the crowd that did something that pissed him off, hopped back on stage and then went right into the next verse.   They closed with “Birth School Work Death”.  That’s a good rock show.

 

I mention Rioja at all because it’s white knuckle time for one of my season long NFL bets.  I bet “NO” on “Do the Saints make the Playoffs?”.  It’s not going to change my world if I win or lose this wager, but I really want to win.  If I win, this will allow me to buy a very good bottle of Rioja wine, perhaps something from R. Lopez de Heredia Vina Tondonia like their gran riserva.  This was something I didn’t know about the last time I was in Rioja, and I really wish I had.  The good news is that now the Saints and internet shopping can make all of these wrongs right.  I need the Saints to somehow lose to the Falcons OR the 49ers to beat the Rams.  This is far from a sure thing, but I am leaning 49ers anyway.  I might figure out a hedge, but it seems more sporting to just drink a lesser Rioja and root against the Saints tomorrow. 

 

Here’s an interesting fact.  Justin Fields, the Chicago Bears “QB of the Future”, tested positive for covid.  That news moved the line from Vikings -6 to Vikings -4.  It’s never good news when you are a #1 pick and the market reacts to Andy Dalton starting instead of you by throwing money at your team now that you’re out.  Both of these guys sorta suck, but Fields has quietly become competent at times in the second half of the season.  Meanwhile the Vikings are giving all indications they are coming out to win, playing all the veterans, and Zimmer is coaching to win.  Seattle was favored by seven a couple weeks ago at home versus the Bears.  Now Minnesota, definitely better than Seattle, is at home giving four?  I see what is called “line value” here.  Minnesota -4

 

I think the Giants might be worse than Jacksonville right now, and that’s saying something.  The Giants have a completely defeated vibe to them, and they are going to finish up the season with David Fromm at QB.  Fromm played a couple weeks ago when he came in to relieve an awful Mike Glennon and was so bad that they put Glennon back in.   The Giants are playing Washington, and if there is one thing The Football team can do,  it’s stop the run.  If the Giants can’t run, that means they’ll need David Fromm to win the game.  How the fuck is that going to happen?  I am taking Washington -7 and teasing them with New England, who I am also taking -6 to beat Miami.

 

I spoke with a friend of mine that was on the practice squad of New England and Kansas City for two years.  When he was on New England they were in this same scenario.  They had clinched a playoff berth, and had zero visible motivation.  The Hoodie prepped for that game and pushed them like it was the Super Bowl.  He told me that when he was on KC and they had been eliminated from the Playoffs, nobody gave one solitary fuck.  This week the Patriots have a re-match versus a Miami team that had their playoff aspirations crushed last week and beat New England earlier this year.  Who do you like?  Miami with no motivation or New England with Belichick with his hand on the whip getting ready for the playoffs?  Washington -7, New England -6, Wash-1/NE pick em  

 

The Ravens stink.  They have used 82 players this year.  The guys in the Ravens uniforms aren’t even the Ravens.  I’ll take Pittsburgh, with slim playoff hopes, with points and on the road.  Who is motivated here?  The Ravens or the Steelers with slim playoff chances and maybe Big Ben’s last NFL game against their rival?  Pittsburgh +3.5

 

Season Record: 29-31