Nurse the Hate: Hate Spirit Airlines

 

I just flew Spirit Airlines, a discount carrier.  The attraction to Spirit is getting a “deal” on your flight, though the actual savings is generally negligible.  They loop customers in with low advertising fares, like “Las Vegas $89!”, but then they get their talons into you with the “extras”.  You pay the $89 on the flight, which is great, but then they ding you for $75 to bring a suitcase, which I find is important to have clothes and toiletries when I arrive at my destination.  Of course, you want to bring a carry on, so that’s an extra $25.  Need a boarding pass?  That’s $7.  How about an early check in?  $12.  Oh, you wanted to pick your seat?  That’s another $25 to sit in row 3, but you can sit for free in steerage in the back which resembles to below deck scene in the film “Titanic”.  I couldn’t be positive over the roar of the plane engines, but I think I heard an accordion and fiddle along with some aggressive clog dancing coming from rows 36-39.  Guys with handlebar mustaches are hanging on hammocks slicing off pieces of salami feeding them to wailing kids.  I don’t go back there.

 

When all is said and done, it’s basically the same cost as any “normal” flight, but in this case, it was a direct to Vegas so I took it.  The clientele thinks they scored a sweet deal, and my assumption is that these are the same folks that pat themselves on the back when Grande Cool Rancho Burritos are offered at 2-1 pricing at Taco Bell.  Of the three inevitabilities in modern life, it is death, taxes, and the passengers on a Spirit Airline being essentially the same as a bus trip between Detroit and Cleveland.  A Spirit airline flight is a Greyhound Bus in the sky.

 

The flight attendant is about 75 pounds overweight.  I am on the aisle, so each time she passes me, her enormous ass bangs into my shoulder.  I know that we are in an age where nothing is allowed to disqualify you for a job, but if your girth is such that you cannot walk the airplane aisle without touching either side, you should be grounded.  In the NBA or the NFL, they refer to this as “eating yourself out of the league”.  You know those boxes by the gate in planes where the airline measures if the passenger carry-on meets the required size?  That same idea should be used where the flight attendant is required to stand in a box and cannot touch any side.  A light can go off if she/he touches the wall.  “Sorry Denise.  Looks like you’re out on this flight.  Better hit the treadmill, or turn in your wings.  It’s a cruel business, but you knew that coming into it.  I’m sorry.”

 

About a quarter of the oncoming passengers carried fast food bags on board.  The plane smelled like a Mall Food Court.  I got whacked in the head five times by backpacks.  People stared at their boarding passes for seat locations like they were trying to decipher the Dead Sea Scrolls.  There was a kid behind me with a little dog that he refused to put into a pet carrier.  His grandfather argued with the flight attendant that they were told they didn’t need to put the dog into a carrier, a clear lie.  The flight attendant produced an iPad showing the Spirit website where it plainly displayed the pet policy.  The grandfather steadfastly maintained that “they changed that”, as if a corporate website had been overhauled a few days prior to his arrival.  The argument carried on during the entire taxi to takeoff, and ended with the unsteady grandfather standing in the aisle like he was riding a skateboard for the first time.  Meanwhile the flight attendant’s fat elbow dug into my neck like a soft hammer.  Spirit!     

 

One expects a certain “rube factor” on a Vegas flight, and that is multiplied by five on a discount carrier.  The problem is that real airlines don’t fly direct to Cleveland any longer.  The calculation one must make in their head is if enduring the Spirit flight is worth the savings of $50 and a couple hours of time with a transfer.  My expert opinion to you dear reader is that if you feel uncomfortable in a WalMart or BMV, then avoid Spirit.  If you decide you want to try it, just to see if you can deal with it, I’d suggest the flight BACK from Las Vegas as opposed to the one GOING to Las Vegas.  The flight going to Vegas is filled with energy as relatively novice travelers are going in full bore to “show Vegas something they haven’t seen before”.  Let me assure you, Vegas has seen people like you before, and it is getting ready to send you home broke and hungover after you get fleeced all over town.  The savvy traveler takes the flight BACK from Vegas where these folks will be silently licking their wounds.

 

The Thanksgiving “Galaxy of Wagers” is upon us.  These games are mostly impenetrable as the NFL is about as easy to predict as my sophomore year girlfriend.  Anything can happen at any time, and at the end of it, I will be broke and possibly crying.  However, you have your Thanksgiving traditions, and I have mine.  I like to have action on everything that moves, the best being horribly thought out teasers and parlays, sucker bets with a capital “S”.     

I'm on Montgomery Over 75 yards rushing, Bears -2.5, Buffalo -.5/Mississippi +8, Ole Miss +2, Lions +8.5/Raiders +13.5 teaser, First half UNDER 25.5 Dallas/Raiders, First Half UNDER 22 Bills/Saints, and a foolish three team parlay Bears/Cowboys/Bills.

Best of luck.  I'm doomed.  Happy Thanksgiving.