Saturday, April 23, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Hate The Lottery

It has become increasingly apparent that there is no way to possibly stop working and actually enjoy any leisure in this modern American Economic Machine we have collectively built. While I have been a good boy and saved a percentage of my monthly income in my 401k, the only people that actually make any money are the ones that serve as "administrators" of the fund. Fees chip away at any real gains, while you still are the victim of perilous swings up and down in the markets which are being manipulated by Captains of Industry. The game is rigged. That fact is unavoidable. Your junior broker has been told by their upper management to place all their small fish like you in a stock or fund so the price will inflate. Then the firm's Big Fish can whisk the carpet out from underneath you at great profit when they sell out at the predetermined price. You are left with the loss, or modest gain, which is of course further cannibalized by the incomprehensible fees and "convenience charges". It's a fool's game.

Let's just say that you could somehow trip into a series of big wins. Let's say that you could get a nice little nest egg together. You could never just walk away. Not when there is iPhone 4 to buy. Or iPhone 5. Or 6. I spend something like $200 a month on sophisticated communications that ultimately boil down to there being several ways I can learn that Pete "likes" bacon on Facebook or Bruno is "hanging at Starbucks at 5th and St Clair". I may also receive a text message saying "you suck" from any one of a bunch of so called friends of mine. On the rare instance when someone uses their phone like an actual phone, they are usually killing time in an airport or long drive, and I am expected to entertain them much in the way radio DJs used to fill that role. Tell me something funny Funnyman. Is there really a reason for any of this? Is this technology actually making my life any better? Probably not, but yet here I am with my Verizon bill and seriously considering buying my third phone in the last 12 months. It all boils down to this: I have to keep earning so I can keep buying the stuff that helps me to earn so I can keep buying stuff. It's dizzying.

I either have to unplug from the society, which seems inconvenient, or get enough money together where I can jump off the gerbil wheel. It's obvious. The only real hope is winning the lottery. I have now resigned myself to understand that I need a 1 in 32 million shot to come in if I hope to ever get off of this consumer rollercoaster gone mad. The odds seem long, sure, but it's not impossible. You just have to believe and visualize it happening. Isn't that what sports psychologists say?

I think the real key in being a lottery winner is to set the tone early at the press conference. Most lottery winners are stupid hillbillies that have no idea what to do with the money once they get it. They will piss it away in a fever of spending on cigarette boats, monster trucks, garish houses with the interior design qualities of rap stars, and doomed business enterprise. They stand at the podium with their ceremonial over sized checks and smile goofily at their dumb luck of getting $322 million dollars. What are you going to do with the money? "Geez, I don't know, but I am quitting work tomorrow and buy a monster truck!" This is all wrong. Here's how you handle the press conference.

"Ladies and gentleman of the press, thank you for coming. I want to thank you all for being here to share in my good fortune at winning $322 million dollars in the Powerball lottery. I have pissed away thousands in income chasing this dream, and to see it finally realized gives me a chance to finally stand triumphantly above my detractors. You people are now nothing to me.

I would also like to announce I will not be quitting my job. Instead I have bought the business lock, stock, and barrel and would like to announce to everyone that I will be closing it immediately. I will be shutting it down for good, as we served no public good and most of the former employees there have not a shred of human decency. I will shutter the building and have it raised by demolitions experts by 5pm this afternoon. Good riddance.

Regarding the rest of the money... I will be placing most of it into three TOR-M1 9M330 mobile surface to air missile systems which I will be placing on my property in the Majestic Lakes subdivision. I have become increasingly concerned about the possibility of the airspace above my home being compromised, and I now have the capital necessary to confront this problem head on. This should provide me, at last, with some well needed peace of mind. I will now retire to my compound to finish work on my manifesto. Thank you all for coming. Good day to you."

So I face this Monday like most of you, head down and shoulders slumped. I am trying to resist the allure of iPhone 7, but it's hard. So very hard. Meanwhile, clutched in my sweaty hand is the lottery ticket. My last hope of getting out. My last hope of finishing the manifesto.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home