Nurse the Hate: Southern Culture On The Skids, Taylor Swift, NFL Week 5 and Me

 

We have a couple of shows this week with Southern Culture On The Skids, like ourselves, one of the last bands standing from the roots garage tidal wave of the early 1990s.  Yes, there was a time in America when you could find in every town a band that took early rock n roll/garage rock and then twisted it up with a punky sensibility and made their own songs up.  It seems quaint now, a simpler time, when it was subversive to drink Pabst in a can and everyone in the club knew Link Wray and Sonics songs by the first few notes.  That was a long time ago.  To put it in perspective, it would be like if I was graduating high school and was pining for Perry Como and Patti Page to rule the charts again.  It's a period of time that keeps fading.  Yet, 30 years after the first time we played with SCOTS, we are both still here.  It's either a testimonial to both of our bands belief in what we do or just plain inability to stop.  Hard to say which really...

The early 1990s were an odd time.  I heard some early 90s chart topping songs recently.  You know what was on the charts in 1993? "Whoomp There It Is" by Tag Team and "I Would Do Anything For Love" by Meatloaf.  Not exactly the Golden Age of Rock and Roll on the radio.  Those sounded dated a few years later, and for my money "Voodoo Cadillac" by SCOTS still sounds like something that could have come out in 1968, 1988, 1998, or 2008.  The songs and the recordings hold up.  I think what was true then is even more true now.  If you want to find the real stuff, you have to look a little harder.  However, when you find it, it's that much more rewarding.

I have no clue why people have such horrible taste in music, yet The People have always been predictable in that way.  I worked at a radio station once where people lost their minds because we did an appearance with Geraldo, the guy that did the song "Rico Suave".  I wonder what that guy is doing now.  It's odd why some shitty music hits and other shitty music misses.  While suburban America goes apeshit for Taylor Swift, I can't figure it out.  There have always been pop stars, but I usually understood why they exploded after the fact.  For example, when Lady Gaga was white hot and everyone was all flustered about her, I understood it.  It was a smarter and edgier Madonna.  Got it.  Beyonce?  Yeah, I get it.  This Taylor Swift thing is baffling.  I don't dislike her.  I'm totally indifferent.  Disliking her music is like disliking cardboard.  It's something that is just sort of there.  How can you get all worked up about it one way or another?  

The real issue I have is that Taylor Swift has done something unforgiveable.  She has infiltrated my beloved NFL Sundays.  When I am deeply involved in an otherwise meaningless late NY Jets drive to cover the spread versus KC, the last thing I want is to see a cutaway to Taylor Swift in a crisp red Chiefs jacket fresh from the team shop clapping like a lunatic for her boyfriend of 16 minutes.  Look, Taylor Swift lived outside Philadelphia until she was 14 and then moved to Nashville to chase the dragon when she was 14.  The fact that she isn't in Eagles gear or wearing an ugly ass Titans shirt tells you all you need to know about her loyalty.  She's no Chiefs fan.  She's just passing through.  This Travis Kelce fella is flying too close to the sun.  When their inevitable breakup happens every white bread suburban woman in America is going to turn on Kelce and his sponsors.  Is Corporate America ready for the moment when The Swifties say "Fuck Travis Kelce and fuck Chunky Soup!".  I think not Dear Reader.  Those soup guys are going to be scrambling.  Yet until that moment comes, all NFL degenerates like myself will live in this media firestorm.

The only form of penance that I think is acceptable is that Taylor Swift and her world now be forced to endure something from my bubble.  She's all up in my world, now my world can get all up in hers.  This is why I am putting forth the proposition that Southern Culture On The Skids open for 7-10 dates on the Taylor Swift Tour.  During this opening slot all ticket holders must remain in their seats and absorb the full set of music before scampering off to the Taylor Swift merchandise huts to purchase whatever the fuck they're selling in there.  If the resulting fan outcry doesn't force Swift off of my NFL Sundays, the opening slot will then fall to the Black Lips, and then to The Oh Sees and so on.  Hell,  I will get on stage and deliver a lecture on Burgundian winemaking methods and philosophy complete with powerpoint and handouts if necessary.  Whatever it takes.  It has to stop.  

With this in mind, I'd like to point out that I don't think I am alone in this anti-Swift sentiment.  Somehow the KC Chiefs are only a 3.5 favorite over the 1-3 Minnesota Vikings after opening up -5.  I am becoming more anti-KC every single day, and with each numbing Travis Kelce commercial sponsorship and Taylor Swift cutaway shot, I think American NFL junkies are joining me.  I think people might be actively betting against Kansas City, driving this number down.  It seems like a slam dunk, doesn't it?  KC should cover a 3.5 spread easily!   It's an eel.  I don't understand it, so I am backing away slowly and observing.  

I am going to continue to bet against peg leg Joe Burrow and the Bengals.  Burrow is the 29th rated QB right now, which is amazing that he's that high considering he can't move or drive the ball downfield playing on a fucked up Achilles.  The narrative that Arizona is tanking is false.  This team is playing hard and giving effort each week.  Sure, they kind of suck but not as badly as perceived.  Meanwhile the Bengals are still thought of as AFC elite.  They're not.  At least not right now they're not.  This team is going to have to come to grips with the fact that Burrow needs time to heal and that time is most of the season.  Give me the Cardinals and the points at home.  I got on this at the open with five, but I think Arizona might win outright.  Arizona +3     

San Francisco is head and shoulders the best team in the league right now.  Since they traded for McCaffrey, they have done nothing but win, with the exception of when they had no quarterback in that doomed NFC Championship Game last year.  Dallas is a good team.  They might even win the NFC East.  They just don't have enough to go on the road and beat SF right now.  San Francisco hasn't been tested yet this season, so I think they'll be max focused.  I have some concerns about the hook on this line, but I'm taking San Francisco -3.5.

There are a couple of teams that have great difficulty scoring that are favored this week.  I am going to tease the underdogs and move the spreads into comfortable zones past key numbers.  Denver shouldn't be favored against anyone.  They are the worst team in the AFC.  While I do have great reservations about putting money on Zach Wilson and the Jets under any circumstance, I'm doing it.  Denver can't stop anybody.  If the Jets coaching staff has any sense, they will try to grind out a low scoring boring game that I have no intention of watching.  

The other piece of this poorly conceived teaser is the Colts.  The Titans are on the road, and this is an offensively challenged team.  The Titans might feel good about themselves after beating a toothless Bengals last week, but the Colts have the look of a team that is shockingly middle of the pack, i.e. a mirror image of the Titans.  I don't know or really care who wins this game, but it should be close.  Let's move the line for Colts +8.5/Jets +8.5.   I look forward to launching forth a fountain of profanity when Wilson tosses a pick six late to allow the Broncos to cover.

Season Record:  5-7-1