Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Nurse the Hate: Hate The Video Store

I'm a big Netflix guy, and I'll tell you why. I like watching obscure foreign films and documentaries. It's not like you can go buzz over to Blockbuster and get "Dig!" the insanely great Brian Jonestown Massacre film, or whatever that original version of "Brothers" was in Danish. The options over there are a huge wall of "The Blind Side" or "Saw VI". But even if they had every movie on the planet, I don't think I'd go to a video store ever again.

I used to go to a video store located by my first apartment out of college called "Movie Mart". It was a family owned business that used to stock some pretty interesting choices. The deal was that you could rent 3 video tapes for $10 or something like that. I shared an apartment with one of my old roomates, and I think he opened the account and we just shared the card. It was right down the street, so we usually avoided late fees. One of us would drop them off on the way to work. No fuss, no hassle.

I remember one Friday night after work I was feeling a little under the weather. I decided not to go out, and planned to just lay under a blanket on the couch and watch movies. My roomate wasn't around, as he was probably shacked up at his girlfriend's place. Maybe I would chug some Nyquil and feel it's warm friendly hand embrace me. All I had to do was get a few videos and get back there. I shuffled around the crowded video store looking for a few things to watch, and started to get irritated by the families around me. "Excuse me... Sorry..." It's at the video store where you could really understand what morons most people in this nation are. "Did you see Weird Science? OmyGod! It's sooooo funny!!!!" and "I hated Jaws. Like why wouldn't they just drop a bomb on the shark?". (I don't remember what the hell was out around 1991, so just go with me, OK?)

I am starting to run a fever, and I just want to get out of there. The line is barely moving as they have only one person on the register. Directly behind me, and I remember this like it was yesterday, was a woman in sweat pants with two ugly kids about 8 years old. They are whining about wanting candy, and the mother is whining about how they can't have any. It's torture standing next to them. I'm giving them the "shut the fuck up or I may kill you" glare, but they don't pick up on it at all. It's all about the debate about the Goddamn candy.

After an eternity, I finally get to the register. I produce my membership card, and the clerk punches in the numbers. "It's going to be $10 plus another $12 in late fees." Now, I know for a fact I returned my last movies on time. I rented a new release on Sunday, and dropped it off on the way to work Monday morning. I remember this because I set my alarm early to make sure I could make the video store and still arrive at the worst sales meeting ever at 8:30am. Times are tough. I'm in my early 20s and I don't have any fucking money. $12 in late fees is like $85 now.

"I don't think that's right. I dropped off that movie on Monday."

The people in line behind me groan, as they realize it's going to be an extensive background check of "The System", and they aren't going anywhere soon. "Sir, according to what I have, there was a video returned on Wednesday three days late."

Now I am positive I didn't drop off a video on Wednesday, and I'm getting indignant. I have stepped firmly up to the moral high ground. "Miss, I know for a fact I DID NOT drop off any videos on Wednesday. You Must Be Mistaken.", I sternly bark. By this time everyone in the place is craning their necks to see what the commotion is all about. I up the ante and decide to once and for all prove I am, without a doubt, correct and will not be paying any late fees. "What did I allegedly return late, Hmmm?"

The line behind me has now swelled, and everyone is lookimg at me with the "just pay your late fees Dude" look, while I attempt to give them the "Can you believe how incompetant this clerk is?" look. Meanwhile the woman madly taps at the screen looking for what exactly has been dropped off late.

"According to this, you returned "Teenage Anal Nurses" late, and you also owe for "Giant Cock Stuffers 4"."

Oh Fuck. I forgot that my roomate and I use the same card. For some reason, he failed to tell me that he discreetly dropped off his rental porn stash from his weekend of depraved sex with his girlfriend into the overnight bin a couple days late. Understandable. I probably wouldn't have looked at her the same way after knowing what had probably gone on while "Teenage Anal Nurses" hummed along on the VCR. However, this did put me in a bit of an awkward position at Movie Mart on a Friday Night.

"Oh... Ah... See, my roomate and I share an account, and... ah...." I said as I blindly started to rip cash out of my wallet. Take it. Take it all. Meanwhile the woman in the sweat pants' eyes narrowed in a disapproving and judgemental look. You could almost feel the glares of everyone in the line look at me. "Creep.", they thought. "I wonder what kind of filth he is renting now." I tried to get out of there as fast as I could. It probably took 3 minutes, but it felt like about seven hours.

After that I soured on Movie Mart, and opened my own account at another store down the street. Still, I would never question any late fees.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home