Nurse the Hate: Hate the Wet Bed

I think it's because I told that story about how Rumble Club's old drummer wet the couch of his bandmate. That must be the reason that I have become the sounding board for all urination stories. For example, just this week a friend of mine got in touch with me to pass along yet another story of how low a man can fall. She said it went like this: Her "friend" (which she swears it's actually her "friend" and not her) meets this man and they begin a relationship. She says he is "a little rough around the edges, interesting, big penis... things were going well".

(Quick sidebar... Whenever a female friend tells me that a man she is seeing has a big penis, I always feel that is some sort of emasculating comment on her part. I take the way she was telling the story like, "So this very interesting man has a much larger penis than I imagine you have, and is therefore more desirable in a way you could never be." Hey, what did I do? I don't need that kind of head trip. I'm just trying to get by over here. You think I need to worry about that? Let's look at the reverse. It's not like I would say to her, "So this friend of mine is going out with an interesting new girl with a very tight vagina.". Am I being too sensitive here? See, here's the problem... Guys don't stand around and hold their erect wangs out and compare size. We're blissfully unaware. But still, doubt creeps in... Generally the only men that the common guy ever can compare his penis to is a Porn Guy, and those guys are in that particular line of work because they are freakishly large. And what happened to that "it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" line that was out there? I took solace in that. Sheesh... OK, so back to the story...)

So the interesting rough edged guy with the big penis has been staying overnight at this woman's house. Then on Saturday night, he pees the bed while they were sleeping in it. "Good Lord! What did he do?", you are probably asking... (I know this because I asked the same thing.) Apparently the big penis man woke up after he wet the bed, and then woke up his lovely female companion. I don't know if he nudged her and said, "My darling... Wake my darling, for I have made the bed moist from droplets of my soul." or if he said "Hey... Get up... I pissed the bed...we gotta sleep on the couch...". This was unclear. However, what I do know is they went to alternate sleeping quarters and resumed their sleep (somehow). The next day, he went out and purchased her a low end discount mattress after discarding the mattress he ruined.

I still have the following questions....

1) Will this woman still continue to see this rough edged, interesting, big leaky penised man? To me, bedwetting is probably a deal breaker in any realtionship with a person over the age of 6 and under the age of 66. Perhaps this woman is more understanding than I am on this issue. I would have to say that Saturday night bedwetting would be a trait I am not looking for in a potential suitor. I would also weigh in and say bedwetting probably goes hand in hand with rampant alcoholism, what many would also say is an undesirable trait.

2) If you wet a woman's bed, don't you have to buy the absolute top of the line mattress? I would be so horrified, I would throw a lot of money at the problem. "Honey, here's a new King Sized Westin Heavenly bed. Now let's keep that little incident last night between us." I do not believe you simply replace the old mattress with a new one on a 1-1 quality ratio. I don't even think you go from the "standard" to "deluxe". You go top-of-the-line, mink fur with angel corpse wings shoved into chinchilla pelts. Or maybe you can get the Pope's old bed on Ebay. That's probably nice. It does not matter what it costs. You have to pay up.

3) How long does it take before this story rears its ugly head again in the relationship? Let's look at the facts. I found out about it, and I don't even live in the same state as where it happened. If the story has crossed state lines, are you telling me she is keeping this thing quiet on the home front? No way. I can see it now. Those two will be out to dinner with Jim and Cindy from work, and maybe somebody ordered that one extra pitcher of MGD draft too many. He makes a disparaging remark about her shoes, or maybe her new haircut (both awful and unrecoverable mistakes). She'll then turn to the other couple and say, "Oh, and that's coming from Mr Pee Pee Bed over there! Did he tell you why he had to buy me a new mattress last month?" His horrified look will register uncomfortably with Jim and Cindy. Then the whole awful episode will spill out like an undigested corpse from a shark's stomach. There will be no turning back. The die will be cast.

The lesson I think we can all take away? I think the key to success in any relationship is not to urinate in the common sleeping area.