Nurse the Hate: The Chimp Situation

My number one concern right now is with this Chimp Situation. I used to be concerned primarily about heart disease, cancer, car crashes, and of course, giant squid. Now it's all about preparing against what is probably an inevitable chimp attack. Sure, many of you reading this think you are immune. "Well, I live in a small Midwestern city. There's no chance a chimp will attack me." You better wake and smell the coffee Brother. These chimps are out there, and they don't fuck around.

It was Krusty that re-alerted me to this Chimp Situation. We all know about that woman that had her face ripped off and went on Oprah. That's small potatoes. National Geographic had run some hour program focused on chimps and how they eat kids and attack anything they can get their hands on in Sierra Leone. You think I'm kidding? Everyone that lives out there is scared shitless of these things. Example: A guy named Melvin Mammah lost half his hand and if not for his friend Gary Brown in the car freaking out like the Incredible Hulk, he would have had his face chewed off. These guys were sightseeing at the Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary and ran into a chimp in the road. The chimp charged and tore off the side mirror and broke through the back windshield. "It was like the glass wasn't even there," he said. Brown said he's 5-foot-9 and weighs more than 200 pounds, and the chimp probably outweighed him. "He had every bit two-inch fangs, and he was screaming like a banshee when he was charging us." The chimp "went across the top of the car, and that's when it was just a flurry trying to get away from it. Melvin got pulled out of the car by it." Mammah fought the chimp off but not before the chimp bit off half of his hand, Brown said.

Here's the part that's the real issue. The chimp fights dirty. Real dirty. Their first move is to rip your fingers off your hand so you can't fight back. Then they rip off your testicles. After that they plunge their fingers into your eyes and rip your face off. I don't know about you, but I'm not real excited about waving two bloody stumps around while a wild chimp rips my testicles off. After he rips off my nutsack, he plunges his fingers into my eyes? So the last thing I ever see is a screeching chimp holding my bloody bag in his hands? No way. Not me.

I think you need a firearm with some real power to knock down a chimp. I'm thinking a .44. Something that is at least a semi automatic so you can keep pumping shots into him because he's gonna keep coming. But what if you miss? That's when our graphic artist Will Ruocco came up with the idea of a "Chimp Cup". I see it as some sort of metal cod piece that will protect against the fevered low blows of a crazed chimp. That's a pretty good stand alone idea, but what about your hands and eyes? Really, we need to develop some sort of anti-chimp suit. Maybe a helmet like an astronaut would wear that would have a really strong visor. You'll probably also need some metal mittens. A glove would leave the fingers exposed, and who wants to look like a three fingered guy that survived an industrial accident while he was high from smoking weed on his break. Plus, the thing has to be comfortable. You don't want to get caught changing into your chimp suit in a downtown parking lot by three wayward chimps. You want to be able to walk around town at all times with your chimp suit on, and have your sidearm strapped comfortably on your side.

The Giant Squid has long been a great concern of mine while on my kayak on Lake Erie. There are attacks that go unreported every year. I am certain of it. However, this chimp situation is much more dire. It was then I thought of the spectre of a chimp in a kayak rowing like a madman towards me, pissed off and hungry to rip off my testicles. I mean, they train these things to ride bicycles and pretend to play guitar in TV Shows like Lancelot Link, right? How much of a stretch would it be for them to learn to kayak? It's not like flying a plane for God's sake. Plus, these chimps usually act in groups. So now I'm out in my kayak, previously only concerned about Giant Squid, and suddenly I have three pissed off chimps paddling like crazy towards me. They allegedly have five times the upper arm strength of a man, so I'm guessing they can make some pretty good time in the water. I just hope I can blow a hole in their chimp kayaks with my sidearm before they get to me. I like my chances in a kayak, carefully shooting flailing chimps in Lake Erie while I glide safely out of their reach. I can't picture them as great swimmers, and the chance of them having life jackets on is probably pretty slim.

The key is to get that chimp suit built before Spring breaks. I figure I can get a sidearm in a few weeks after I fill out some forms and show The Authorities I'm not crazy, but just prepared. We can't live in fear of The Chimp, but we must be prepared for The Chimp.