Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Hate the Brewers

I can't stop getting spam from the fucking Milwaukee Brewers. The madness needs to stop. I decided to write a letter to the guy at the top...


Jim Bathey
Vice President Consumer Marketing
Milwaukee Brewers
One Brewers Way
Milwaukee WI 53214


I made a grave mistake this May I would like to tell you about. Foolishly, I purchased four (4) tickets to see your organization play my beloved San Francisco Giants on Memorial Day weekend at Miller Park. Through the technological marvel that is the World Wide Web (a.k.a. “the internet”), I was able to have the tickets sent to me via email. What a world of convenience “the internet” has given us. Why, just the other day I purchased a novel, downloaded a free song, and bought a rare Bordeaux all while sitting in my couch in a pair of torn army cargo shorts. It’s a wondrous age my friend, a wonderous age!

The problem is now I find myself on the Brewers Team Shop email list, and I am unable to get off of it. Sure, I followed the directions on five (5) separate occasions to “unsubscribe”, but this has failed to do the trick. I imagine that some young whippersnapper at MLB Advanced Media has dropped the ball. But what can you expect? The young man probably spent a fortune on an education in either Graphic Design, Information Systems, or maybe even the greatest waste of money, a Sports Marketing degree. He thought the world would be his oyster with that college degree I’ll bet. Next thing he knows he is sharing a 75 square foot apartment in Brooklyn with a man named “Horse” that he met on Craig’s List. Even if he can somehow fall asleep while Horse watches German S&M videos, it has to be hard to be vibrant and enthusiastic the next morning at work entering J.A. Happ video highlights on the MLB.com sites for $12 an hour. Why would this young man care about me? His spirit has already been broken.

While I feel for this young fella, ultimately it’s just not my problem. I just want to stop receiving emails every single morning asking me if I want to buy some Milwaukee Brewers crap. I don’t live in Milwaukee. I don’t like the Brewers. In fact, at this point when I receive a Brewers email, it makes me wish a cobra would bite Rickie Weeks in the eye. I laugh when I think about Prince Fielder (or Mo Vaughn 2) eating himself out of the National League in 18 months. I’m glad Gallardo can’t find the strike zone. It makes me happy that Manny Parra is a bust. I hate those stupid interns that race in those sausage costumes for the delight of the pasty doughy crowds at Miller Park. I’m sick of the whole thing.

So tell me my friend, how do I get off of this email list? What do I have to do to make this madness stop? Do I need to send the Brewers a never ending stream of offers to buy the various crap I can sign them up for? Cialis offers? Mexican Viagra? World War II relics? AOL subscriptions? Do we really need to engage in a war of spam? Who wins then? Who I ask you?

I hope you can finally remove me from this list, and this chapter of my life can finally be closed. When you have done so, please do me the courtesy of letting me know at cwsling@gmail.com .

Warmest Regards,

Greg Miller


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