Sunday, September 25, 2011

Nurse the Hate: Still Hate Football

I chased last night, getting on LSU when I realized that the hopes and dreams of West Virginia rarely come true, much less on national television. WVU doesn’t do their marketing department any favors by letting all those people show up to games with animal skins on their heads. If you are considering an economics degree, do you want to go to a place with ivy covered buildings, or do you want to go to a place with a guy with a raccoon head draped over his dome screaming profanity at LSU? If I’m an 18 year old kid from the suburbs, I’m playing it safe and taking WVU off of my “short list”. Regardless, LSU covered easily and this leaves me back at even. I’m ready to go today. Here’s what I like.

The Browns are not an exciting team. In fact, they are broadcast to such a small national TV audience, I wouldn’t be surprised if the announcers today were James Garner and a local weatherman. Maybe that guy that used to play “Tubbs” on Miami Vice since the equally boring Dolphins are in town. But business is business, and I love a home underdog. The Browns are +110 on the money line, Chad Henne sucked at Michigan and sucks as a Dolphin, and Reggie Bush has already fallen out of favor. I may sleep on my couch during the entire broadcast, unless James Garner starts telling old “Rockford Files” stories, but I’m still getting on Cleveland. As an aside, why did that guy get pistol whipped so often? Eh, who knows… Take Cleveland +110.

The Giants have so many injuries, I had to scan the headlines to see if their team bus had taken a plunge down a cliff and I somehow missed it. This leaves the always slightly confused looking Eli Manning and some guys they found in the Terminal at Grand Central have to play Philadelphia today. Mike Vick is coming back after having his skull busted by smacking his face into one of his lineman, spitting out blood, and still finding time to shit talk Atlanta. Yet Philadelphia is somehow in better shape than the New York Football Giants. By the way, how in God's name was Vince Young not ready to go last week? The guy has a chance to go from "Lowest Wonderlick and Total Fucking Head Case" to "Redeemed Prospect That Overcame Adversity", but he's out with a tweaked hamstring? I'd like to "Sell" my Vince Young stock please. The Giants are getting nine, which seems like it must be some kind of trick to get me to take them and the points. OK. I'll bite. These NFC East games are always decided by a pasty kicker at the end, no matter how much better one team is than another. Why not again today? Giants +9.

I don’t know how good the Chargers are. I also have no idea if the Chiefs are as bad as they appear. I do know that San Diego will probably score a fuckload of points today. You know how many that is? Well, let me tell you, it’s a lot. I also feel fairly secure in saying that San Diego’s special teams will either blow a kickoff return coverage, or allow a blocked punt in their own end zone, so KC will at least get on the board that way. Some guy you never heard of on KC will probably also run into the end zone for an otherwise meaningless score while the stands empty and the clock runs out. San Diego/KC OVER 44.5.


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