Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Nurse the Hate: Still Hate Black Friday




The holidays are all about traditions.  Turkey on Thanksgiving.  Putting up the Christmas tree.  Stringing lights.  Creepy Mall Santas.  Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.  Jack Frost nipping at your toes.  Me being irritated by “Black Friday” shoppers… 

This morning there was the annual article in the newspaper about Black Friday “deals” and the lengths that Rubes will go to secure one of these bait n’ switch scams.  In the accompanying photo to the story is some dude in a Dio shirt that has been camped out in front of Best Buy since Thursday so he can reel in the savings.   Let me repeat that…  Thursday.  This gentleman has nothing to do for eight days except wait outside of a Best Buy in freezing temperatures so he can save a couple hundo on a TV set.  Let’s break this down… 

Let’s assume that the guy in the Dio shirt does not have a very good job.  I say that first because of the Dio shirt, which is a clear indication that you aren’t on “the fast track” in your career.  I have been to a number of pretty high brow business events, and I can’t ever recall hearing “Rainbow In The Dark” or “Holy Diver” blasting out at the Ritz Carlton Chicago lobby.  But let us not get caught up in an argument on the merits or lack thereof in regards to the discography of one Ronald James Dio.  No, the real question is who has eight days to devote to camping in a strip plaza? 

I don’t have eight days to lay out in Jamaica.  I slipped out of town for five and that was pushing it.  I can’t think of anyone I know that has eight days to sit around to do nothing.  I would like to point out that I also know some, shall we say, “colorful” characters that have more leisure time than should be expected in American Society.  I know a guy in a trailer that writes plays that will never be produced that is too busy for this sort of “urban camping” expedition.  Years ago I knew a guy that I only saw move off his bed to shit and get cigarettes.  I didn’t even know for sure if he had legs.  That guy wouldn’t even sit in a tent for eight days.   

So let’s assume that this person in the tent is doing it because they can’t afford to miss out on the savings.  If this is the case, he may be waiting for the advertised RCA 42-inch plasma at $199 down from $499.  Hey, who doesn’t want to save $300, right?  So our man in the Dio shirt is in a position to save $300 and all he has to do is give up 192 of his hours to save that $300 (eight days X 24 hours= 192 hours).   Based on that, his time is worth $1.56 an hour.  Or he could work 38 hours at Taco Bell at minimum wage, buy that stupid TV at his convenience and reward himself with 150 hours he could spend jacking off and listening to Dio.  Me?  I’m serving up XXL Steak Nachos and getting the lotion… 

Therefore I think we can assume that Dio Guy is not doing it for the savings.  Hence, he must like the attention and the camaraderie of the other Rubes in the line.  Sitting in a strip plaza in a tent is unusual behavior, and there must be a steady stream of people talking to him.  “How long you been out here?  Since Thursday!  Whoa!”  This is probably some of the only positive interaction a guy with those glasses and that Dio shirt is likely to have.  I think we can both agree that he is not suavely meeting the ladies at his local chicken wing bar on their 80s Metal Night.  I think we can also rule out Book Clubs (no books in photo), Church Groups (they don’t like the Satanic t-shirts he wears), shopping malls (note out of date eyewear and 80s style ripped jeans), and gyms (little puffy… he may want to hit the treadmill).  This activity is part of how he defines himself.  He has found his little niche.  Some people do things like build model airplanes or mountain bike.  This guy Urban Camps For Savings.   

If I may make a suggestion…  If Dio Guy is trying to get attention and save money as an afterthought, why not camp out at Best Buy all year long?  That can be “his thing”.  Every single day people will walk by and ask how long he’s been there.  “Yeah, I’ve been out here since Dec 26th of last year.  Tough winter, but Spring was nice.  Got hit by lightning in July, but the burns have healed up real nice.  The folks at the Arby’s let me wash up in the men’s room every morning and clean out my slop bucket.  Only 117 more days til Black Friday man!”.  This is the type of total commitment to mindless consumerism that the media loves.  Good Morning America will send out a crew.  20/20 will stop by.  Leno and Letterman will mention him in his monologues.  Is this an ideal life?  No, but it has to be better than the grim existence he’s scratching out now…  

3 Comments:

At November 20, 2012 at 8:22:00 PM EST , Blogger Walter Zoomie said...

Gawdamn...you hate Dio too?

I went to a Dio show in the 80s. It fucking rocked.

I think...

I have a job too.

 
At November 20, 2012 at 9:37:00 PM EST , Blogger Greg Miller said...

Nothing wrong with going to a Dio show in the 80s. I do question embracing Dio as an artist in 2012 as a man in your 40s... One time the Cowslingers almost talked their way into opening for Dio at a club date in Champaign IL in the late 90s. Our plan was to learn covers of Rainbow In The Dark and Holy Diver in a fucked up rockabilly style and then close our set with it. I would imagine we would have had to have fought the diminutive singer and his spandex entourage afterwards. We were pretty scrappy then. I liked our chances. As you can imagine, we were very disappointed when the show was cancelled. Same thing happened with Quiet Riot too. We actually learned "C'mon Feel The Noize" too...

 
At November 21, 2012 at 8:19:00 AM EST , Blogger Walter Zoomie said...

Y'all opening for Dio would have been priceless!

Your covers of Aerosmith and ZZ Top kick much ass, so I imagine you guys doing a Dio song would as well.

Ever consider doing an album of classic rock songs in your special style?

I'd buy two copies.

 

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