Nurse the Hate: Hate Miley Cyrus

I have a hard time getting my arms wrapped around this Miley Cyrus VMA controversy thing that won’t seem to die.  Let’s take this thing head on, shall we?  The sole purpose of those awards shows for pop acts is to generate press.  That is the only reason, besides ad revenue, that anyone goes to the trouble of putting these things on.  To even be concerned that there is the least importance in the events that unfold at this type of manufactured event is to completely misunderstand their very purpose.  Each one of these “artists” (and I use that term on that absolutely loosest sense possible) has an entire team looking to “maximize” the event.  Each one of these tabloid douchebags had innumerable mind numbing meetings designed to make them the buzz artist after the smoke cleared.  In that respect, the event was a great success for Cyrus.

I cannot comprehend why The Public is so shocked to see Miley Cyrus do her version of the “Look at me!  I’m a big girl now!” dance on TV.  This rite of passage is absolutely key to any pop artist that appeals primarily to tween girls if they have any hope of ever hanging around in show business.  The teen idol is in an unenviable position.  Their rabid core fan base will age, and as they do they will reject their icons of childhood and attempt to attach themselves to something they view as “adult” and more befitting of their budding maturity.  That thirteen year old girl audience of Cyrus’s is busy trying to figure out what sexuality means, and who better to show the way than their trusted pop idol?  The problem becomes to attract any attention whatsoever from the media, a gal has to shoot flaming ping pong balls out of her pussy for anyone to even notice.  The “artist” must go further than what has come before her, or the point is lost entirely. 

While I think one can debate the specifics and merits of the Miley Cyrus foam finger masturbation dry hump dance, the broad goal was achieved.  Team Miley Cyrus put the coffin nail in the Disney image, and has announced they are now playing in the big leagues with Rihanna, Pink, and all those other interchangeable female pop stars I can never seem to identify.  There was no other business choice available, so what’s the fuss?  If I was a father, would I have wanted my 13 year old daughter to hold this behavior up as the standard for her future?  No, but I’m not a father of a 13 year old girl, so I really don’t give a fuck.   

The biggest question that I came away with is wondering how MTV can host a video music awards show when as far as I know they don’t actually show any actual music videos?  Every single time I turn to MTV there are hillbillies arguing on Teen Mom, hillbillies arguing on that West Virginia “reality show”, or super rich kids and their parents trying to outdo each other for their 16^th birthday parties.  I realize MTV was never really a paragon of intellectual achievement, but why does it seem like those Whitesnake videos were somehow less stupid?  I realize that I have no idea what a 16 year old wants to watch for entertainment, but if it were me I would prefer some hot girls dancing around to metal music instead of watching the vapid fuckup girls that had kids at 16 cry because their hillbilly boyfriend predictably didn’t show up at their infant’s birthday party.  Can’t you see that at your own school?  Assuming you go to the high school’s “smoking lounge” of course…

While all the Moms get settled down until the next outrageous awards show stunt, Miley is moving ahead in her fabulous career.  She’s making a documentary on her life.  The fact that she thinks she accomplished something is awesome.  Here’s an actual quote from her:  "Me and Robin (Thicke) the whole time said, 'You know, we're about to make history right now”.  Only a 20 year old teen idol surrounded by Yes Men could think that shaking her ass and simulating masturbating with a foam finger is “making history”.  It’s as if she sailed with Magellan, made advances in string theory, or sculpted “David” with Michelangelo.  I love the idea that she thinks that dancing around like a clumsy stripper is the cultural equivalent to the Beatles on Ed Sullivan.  The lack of self-awareness in the world of pop is my favorite part.  They all think they are really important, each one unaware that right behind them a younger, prettier, more interesting teen idol girl will be willing to jack off Prince and then be shot across the room from a cannon.  Ah, but that is net year’s VMAs and next year’s controversy.  Until then…