Nurse the Hate: Hate the NFL Week One

The football season has once again arrived with the promise of extracting all of my hard won baseball profits.  I don’t know why I continue to bet on the NFL.  It is a wilderness of mirrors with absolutely no hope of turning a profit.  It is the gambling equivalent of dabbling with heroin.  There is no chance in keeping it under control, vast sums of money and resources will be lost, and it will end in utter shame and embarrassment.  Yet, I find myself settling once again into the warm comforting arms of the NFL, sliding into the whore’s womb.  This can’t end well, but it is going to happen, so let’s get on with it…

I believe the Cleveland Browns will defeat the Miami Dolphins this Sunday.  The Cleveland Browns have not won a home opener since Eisenhower was president and players wore leather helmets.  If I am not mistaken they beat the Hartford Filthy Indians (it was a different time then) 24-3 by completing what was then a record of four forward passes.  Later fans went home and watched a young Carl Perkins play his hit “Blue Suede Shoes” on The Ed Sullivan Show and remarked, “I still enjoy that Elvis fella’s version better and I’ll just bet that Carl will later wear terrible hairpieces.”.   Cleveland was the nation’s fourth largest city, had yet to set the river on fire, and at that time was able to identify real professional football talent.  Like I mentioned, it was a different time…

I am concerned that because I have been bombarded by the annual training camp local media storm that is always beset with amnesia about the previous season.  It’s a constant stream of glitter and ponies in the assessment of the team leading into the season.  All the rookies look like All Pros.  All the veterans are set for career years.  No one will be injured.  It is way too early to absorb the fact of another 6-10 season staring NE Ohio in the face.  Even I, the ultimate Cleveland cynic, fall prey to the possibility that just maybe they turn it around this year…

I look at it this way.  Assuming they do go 6-10, they have to get six wins.  What better opportunity than the Miami Dolphins?  The Dolphins have their own shitty team with their own shitty QB.  In a choice between two shitty teams with two shitty quarterbacks, it’s a good idea to take the shitty quarterback playing at home.  Cleveland -1.     

Speaking of shitty quarterbacks, let’s talk about Jake Locker and the Tennessee Titans.  I saw him last year in an otherwise meaningless game against the Jets play in what may have been the worst example of professional football I have ever witnessed.  The people of Nashville would have been more entertained by shuffling around those terrible tourist joints on Broadway and listening to awful versions of Hank Williams songs in Toby Keith’s bar than watch that game.  As far as I know, they had to watch a version of that game every week all season.  Jake Locker makes Brandon Weeden look like John Elway.  OK, maybe not John Elway, but at least Rich Gannon…  OK, Jeff George, but you get the idea.  He looked really awful. 

I keep hearing about how Tennessee has decided to limit what they are asking Locker to do.  This is good news, because I think he is capable of handing the ball to Chris Johnson and hoping for the best.  Tennessee had so many guys injured on the O-line last year that they started a guy that they signed off the street in week 16.  They used two top draft choices on lineman this year, so let’s assume they will be able to run it better than in 2012 when Chris Johnson still had 1200 yards somehow.  They are playing a Pittsburgh Steeler team that appears to be in “rebuild mode”.  The Steelers have no reliable healthy running backs.  They let their only good WR leave in free agency.   It seems that Pittsburgh scoring a great deal of points may be an issue…

I am somewhat hesitant with this pick as in the past whenever Pittsburgh has been written off, they just plug new guys in and continue kicking people in the fucking teeth.  In regards to personnel, they are the anti-Cleveland.  In general their fifth round pick will be more valuable than Cleveland’s first round selection.  I will assume that they will somehow be a decent team, but in that inherently Pittsburgh way of playing great defense, making a late play and then winning 13-10.  As they are giving 7.5, I’m taking Tennessee +7.5 and hoping to high hell Jake Locker doesn’t have to do anything.