Nurse the Hate: Hate the Unicorn

I knew this guy named Les Brown.  Everyone knows a guy like Les.  He was the guy that tried every possible drug and alcohol combination with a fearlessness that seemed brave at the time, but now seems insane.  While I assume that we all know someone that took too much acid, or smoked a pound of pot while drinking tequila, Les is the guy that really stood out amongst those mere amateurs.  I remember being at a party on the beach on the shore of Lake Erie.  The sun was just setting in that calm pink/orange sky that is so specific to August.  A group of us had just arrived from the parking area a half mile away, just far enough to provide an inconvenience to the overweight park rangers that were employed primarily to hassle people actually enjoying the lake’s shoreline.  As soon as I walked up, I realized something was amiss.

A small bonfire had been started, and the people sitting in the sand nursing Molson Golden bottles seemed way too intent on watching the fire working up through the gray driftwood.  Our friend Bruce was alone, way down the beachfront, walking slowly back then stopping.  Walking towards us then turning back.  Stopping and staring at the calm water lapping the shore.  The sun continued to set and Bruce was gradually disappearing from sight.

Hey Les… What’s going on man?

“It’s all good bro.  Get yourself a Molson.  It’s soooooo cold.”

None of the others spoke.  Les returned to staring at the fire with the others.  We all shot looks to each other wondering what the hell scene we had just wandered into.  That was when Bruce returned, his face twisted in desperation.  He didn’t say anything, but just held out a single shard of a broken mirror as if it was an explanation.  Suddenly a single tear rolled down his cheek and he let out a small cry.

Hey Les… Um… What’s wrong with Bruce?

“Oh, he took too much acid.”

How much did he take Les?

“He only took two, but he didn’t know they were nine way unicorns.”

Les, what the fuck is a “nine way unicorn”?

“Oh man, it’s the best.  It’s nine hits of acid on one little tab …”

Bruce was having a bit of difficulty in dealing with the fact he had unwittingly taken 18 hits of acid in a single sitting.  I think this was understandable all things considered.  I’m sure Bruce was trying to be a bit of a tough guy and push the limits by taking two.  I can only imagine the panic that set in when someone said, “Dude!  You took two?  That’s 18 hits of acid man!  Oh man!  You’re NEVER COMING DOWN!’  Why Les never thought that it was worth mentioning to Bruce that this drug was 9X more powerful than he was expecting is interesting to consider though…

Once again, this is extreme behavior, but certainly not unique.  Hell, Roky Erickson took acid every day for two years.  Sure, he ended up in an insane asylum for most of his life, but there are risks in this type of lifestyle.  The thing that really separated Les from the pack was his willingness to take anything without any real concern for his long term welfare.  For example, he would routinely take meds from his grandmother’s medicine closet, trying new combinations each time to search for his elusive “maximum buzz”.  It was one night standing outside, his back to a big oak tree dragging on a cigarette, when he announced to a group of us “Dude, have you ever eaten one of those Vick’s inhalers?  You puke for 24 hours straight at first, but then you trip for TWO DAYS!”.

I don’t know how someone comes to the conclusion it would be a good idea to eat the inside of a Vick’s Inhaler.  The argument can be made that some brave soul was the first to eat a raw oyster, but I think the key difference is that the alternative to that would have been starvation while the alternative to Les eating the inhaler would have been another six pack of beer. Then we get to the point of where he threw up violently for a full 24 hours without seeking medical attention.  If I eat a dangerous chemical, and then begin to barf violently, I’m calling the Poison Hotline.  Not Les.  He just rode that shit out so he could hallucinate for two consecutive days.  Then, after surviving such a hellish ordeal, he repeats it a few times because he enjoyed it so much.  He even promoted this course of action to others in much the same manner you would a pork chop recipe.  Who the hell does that?

I haven’t seen this guy in years.  I’m going to be in his hometown in a few weeks.  I gotta look him up and at least see if he’s still alive…