Nurse the Hate: Hate the Unicorn
I knew this guy named Les Brown. Everyone knows a guy like Les. He was the guy that tried every possible drug
and alcohol combination with a fearlessness that seemed brave at the time, but
now seems insane. While I assume that we
all know someone that took too much acid, or smoked a pound of pot while
drinking tequila, Les is the guy that really stood out amongst those mere
amateurs. I remember being at a party on
the beach on the shore of Lake Erie. The
sun was just setting in that calm pink/orange sky that is so specific to
August. A group of us had just arrived
from the parking area a half mile away, just far enough to provide an inconvenience
to the overweight park rangers that were employed primarily to hassle people
actually enjoying the lake’s shoreline.
As soon as I walked up, I realized something was amiss.
A small bonfire had been started, and the people sitting in
the sand nursing Molson Golden bottles seemed way too intent on watching the
fire working up through the gray driftwood.
Our friend Bruce was alone, way down the beachfront, walking slowly back
then stopping. Walking towards us then
turning back. Stopping and staring at
the calm water lapping the shore. The
sun continued to set and Bruce was gradually disappearing from sight.
Hey Les… What’s going
“It’s all good bro.
Get yourself a Molson. It’s
None of the others spoke.
Les returned to staring at the fire with the others. We all shot looks to each other wondering
what the hell scene we had just wandered into.
That was when Bruce returned, his face twisted in desperation. He didn’t say anything, but just held out a
single shard of a broken mirror as if it was an explanation. Suddenly a single tear rolled down his cheek
and he let out a small cry.
Hey Les… Um… What’s
wrong with Bruce?
“Oh, he took too much acid.”
How much did he take
“He only took two, but he didn’t know they were nine way
Les, what the fuck is
a “nine way unicorn”?
“Oh man, it’s the best.
It’s nine hits of acid on one little tab …”
Bruce was having a bit of difficulty in dealing with the
fact he had unwittingly taken 18 hits of acid in a single sitting. I think this was understandable all things
considered. I’m sure Bruce was trying to
be a bit of a tough guy and push the limits by taking two. I can only imagine the panic that set in when
someone said, “Dude! You took two? That’s 18 hits of acid man! Oh man!
You’re NEVER COMING DOWN!’ Why
Les never thought that it was worth mentioning to Bruce that this drug was 9X
more powerful than he was expecting is interesting to consider though…
Once again, this is extreme behavior, but certainly not
unique. Hell, Roky Erickson took acid every
day for two years. Sure, he ended up in
an insane asylum for most of his life, but there are risks in this type of lifestyle. The thing that really separated Les from the
pack was his willingness to take anything without any real concern for his long
term welfare. For example, he would
routinely take meds from his grandmother’s medicine closet, trying new
combinations each time to search for his elusive “maximum buzz”. It was one night standing outside, his back
to a big oak tree dragging on a cigarette, when he announced to a group of us “Dude,
have you ever eaten one of those Vick’s inhalers? You puke for 24 hours straight at first, but
then you trip for TWO DAYS!”.
I don’t know how someone comes to the conclusion it would be
a good idea to eat the inside of a Vick’s Inhaler. The argument can be made that some brave soul
was the first to eat a raw oyster, but I think the key difference is that the
alternative to that would have been starvation while the alternative to Les eating
the inhaler would have been another six pack of beer. Then we get to the point
of where he threw up violently for a full 24 hours without seeking medical
attention. If I eat a dangerous
chemical, and then begin to barf violently, I’m calling the Poison
Hotline. Not Les. He just rode that shit out so he could hallucinate
for two consecutive days. Then, after
surviving such a hellish ordeal, he repeats it a few times because he enjoyed
it so much. He even promoted this course
of action to others in much the same manner you would a pork chop recipe. Who the hell does that?
I haven’t seen this guy in years. I’m going to be in his hometown in a few
weeks. I gotta look him up and at least
see if he’s still alive…