Nurse the Hate: Let's Not Consider Ever Changing Our Gun Policy

Thank goodness that as a nation we have now become completely callous to random gun violence.  I mean, who wants to dwell on that fucked up kid that shot up UC Santa Barbara if it is going to lead to a conversation about the possibility of talking about maybe doing something to keep semi automatic handguns out of the hands of emotionally disturbed dudes?  So today a school in Oregon got shot up… Who cares?  It has already moved down to the bottom of my national news feed on my favorite news websites.  The good news was the police shot and killed the shooter in the school.  While one of the students died, the important thing is that since it was “only” one kid no one will get worked up enough to suggest that maybe the gun lobbyists don’t have the majority of the population’s well being in mind.  What’s a little collateral damage to insure we maintain a ratio of 88 guns per 100 people here in the United States?  What's with the industry not reaching a 1-1 ratio?  Who are the 12 pussies out of 100 not packing heat?  Frankly, I have my suspicions about my elderly Aunt Sandy in rural Wisconsin.  One thing that woman needs is a serious firearm.  Do they make .357s in pink?  A matching shoulder holster might be nice too.  Her birthday is coming up...

Once again, thank goodness we have gotten used to regular random gun violence.  Otherwise people might be concerned about two cops being shot for no reason in a Vegas Wal Mart a couple days ago.  And this school thing today?  Doesn't seem to be a problem.  As I recall after that Newton shooting, there was discussion about the need to outfit all schools and teachers with guns as a way to prevent that type of incident.  I, for one, am completely in favor of that sound idea.  For example, I would have felt confident to have been protected in high school by my obese English teacher Mrs. McClintock wielding a Glock 9.  While she was in her late 50s, had no muscle tone to speak of, and the intellect of a carp, I suspect she had the reaction time of a mongoose.  If a gunman had trotted into our school, she would have confidently flipped her desk over and traded shots with the assailant until landing that picture perfect headshot.  Ka-Pow!  Way to go Mrs. M!

While the US easily has the most gun deaths of any industrialized country, only 85 people a day die every day because of guns.  What’s the problem?  It’s only 85 people a day!  So let’s say that 31,000 people a year die because of a gunshot.  Hell, that’s nothing!  54,000 die from leukemia.  It’s not like leukemia is a big deal either.  People need to mellow out on this gun talk.  And leukemia too for that matter…  Let’s stop these cancer walkathons.  That’s not really an issue worth discussing either.  With the amount of time we can save by not walking around to cure cancer, we can all spend more time at the range!  Pow! Pow! Pow!

As we know, guns don’t kill people.  White boys with guns kill people.  65% of gun deaths are to 15-34 year olds, of which 85% are male.  What we really need to get serious about is confining 15-34 year old men.  Why is it that every mass shooter is a white kid in his twenties?  Too many video games?  Energy drinks getting them all riled up?  Too much sexual frustration?  Maybe we could pair these troubled kids up so they could jack each other off and talk about sci-fi films and shit.  As opposed to trying to account for guns, we need to account for all white loner kids in their twenties.  This registration would be useful for monitoring these fellas, and also serve as a great data base for bands like Eyehategod to sell merchandise.  Movie studios would pay a shitload to get that data base to market sci-fi movies too.  If I am a gun lobbyist, I switch the conversation to the real issue… young white men.

 

As we all know, if we even have a discussion about trying to solve these random shootings, it will lead to everyone losing their guns.  “They” will come and take every law abiding citizen’s guns.  I don’t know who “they” are, but I have heard a lot about “they”.  While as a nation we can’t seem to keep roads paved properly, it is important to remember that with this agenda “they” will act with swift precision and make it impossible for anyone to own a gun.  This type of black and white swift legislation is the way the country has run forever.  Look at the night and day change in things like immigration laws, environmental regulations, tax laws, and health care!  The government sees a problem, decides on an action, and Bam!  The ship has completely turned and EVERYTHING is different.  Remember when we quickly fixed everything that was wrong with everything last year?  

Guns cannot be discussed.  I will remind you all that the first thing Hitler did when he came into power was take away everyone’s guns.  I would also like to remind you that this analogy is totally sound.  For example, 1936 Nazi Germany is almost an exact replica of the United States in 2014.  Well, our bratwurst probably isn’t as good and we aren’t setting up death camps, but other than that it is exactly the same.  To suggest any discussion about even the possibility on changing our extremely effective current gun policy is exactly like embracing Nazism... or so I've been told.

I know that some of the people that read this will get crazy with rage.  I don't understand why.  I would like to remind you that I am NOT in favor of having any rational discussions that could possibly lead to anyone anywhere having to be accountable for owning a semi automatic handgun.  That is ridiculous as we all know those guns are for hunting.  Who amongst us doesn't remember those Hemingway "Nick Adams" stories of rugged outdoorsmen shooting ducks for their supper with their plastic concealable pistols?  It's as American as the Liberty Bell.  Let's not lose our stomachs on this thing now.  Let’s get those kids in Oregon armed and ready to go to school tomorrow.  Pow!  Pow! Pow!