Monday, August 21, 2017

Nurse the Hate: Another Job Opportunity Via Email

Hi Greg,
I have an opening for a Warehouse Associate - Nights with Euclid Fish Company in Mentor, OH that I thought may interest you. If you'd like to proceed or learn more about this opportunity please follow the link below:
Warehouse Associate - Nights
Euclid Fish Company
  • Work nights to perform a variety of functions in the warehouse, including order pulling, loading outgoing customer orders, and unloading incoming truck deliveries.
  • Accountable for accuracy in order fulfillment, and insuring quality control for all orders pulled.
  • Build neat pallets of product, with fresh fish, chicken or beef cases placed at the bottom
  • Perform clean up in assigned work area, including garbage removal, dock, packaging rooms and associated equipment
  • One year work experience within a refrigerated warehouse and/or distribution center preferred
Thanks for taking your time with this. If you feel this would be a better fit for someone you know please pass this message along.

Johnson Jobs
15133 Kercheval Ave
Grosse Pointe Park, MI 48230



Thank you once again for thinking of me for this opportunity.  I have often wondered about the life of a night fish warehouse man and if it was as glamorous as I'd imagined.  First of all, I imagine the camaraderie amongst the men is strong.  I envision us singing sea chanteys as we chuck frozen bass into pallets.  I get tingles thinking about the esprit de corps at the Euclid Fish Warehouse.  It probably isn't as good as working on a mid 1800s whaling ship but in today's world might represent the greatest seafaring adventure available to me.  Please note that if you have any openings on the crew for an 1850s whaling ship, I would be VERY interested.  I fancy myself quite handy with a harpoon.

I don't know why you chose to make this opportunity at the Fish Warehouse available to me.  I do know that on one of my standard resumes that is likely floating about in cyberspace I did claim towards the bottom of that document to have "caught world's largest fish".  You'd be quite surprised that no one ever questioned me on that claim.  I think it is because I present myself as such an "Old Salt" or "Man of the Sea" on first impression.  There is a certain rugged quality I exude, even today in my Chuck Taylors and slightly torn shorts.  Yet, I have mixed feelings about this impression you must have of me.

JJ, let me give it to you straight.  I DID NOT catch the world's largest fish.  The largest fish ever caught on a rod and reel was a 3400 pound great white shark off Montauk.  The largest fish I personally ever caught was a twenty pound barracuda.  The only time I was ever in Montauk I wasn't even in the water.  When I was in Montauk, I was 21 and focused on trying to dry hump a girl named Emily on the beach.  That ended poorly, though not as poorly as it did for that shark.  I don't want to gloss over the fact that her brothers were quite enthusiastic to string me up on the dock much like that mighty 3400 pound fish.  Lesson learned.  There are more fish in the sea indeed, eh JJ?

I understand this revelation might be shocking as you have probably already mentioned my angling skills and fish experience to the men at the Euclid Fish Warehouse.  I hope this will not dampen my chances at joining the crew there.  Let them know I would be willing to get a nautical tattoo and change my name while at work to something fitting like "Smitty" or "Salty" or best of all "Cap'n".  That should count for something.

JJ, the eclipse is almost here so I have to cut this short.  I need to take a look at this thing with some special eclipse glasses undoubtedly made by Chinese political prisoners.  I hope those convicts had pride in their work.  The last thing anyone wants to see is a grown man rolling around on the ground screaming "My retinas!  My fucking retinas!".  Give my regards to the boys at the Euclid Fish Warehouse.  Let me know when I can start.  I might need that health insurance if these glasses are fakes.



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