Nurse the Hate: The Post Australia Shark Dive Letter

Sept 8, 2018

Colleagues,

As you may or may not know, I had decided last year to travel to South Australia to make a scuba dive with migratory great white sharks.  I had found an outfit that would allow me to take a cage to the ocean floor at about 60 feet and then exit the cage as I saw fit.  This was of great interest to me as my current life has so little adventure, I thought this seemingly reckless dive would help quench that thirst.  Also, I felt that if things went terribly during the dive and I was eaten, it would make for a much better final chapter to my story than sleeping in my own filth in a state run nursing home.  It just seems like much less trouble for everyone to be eaten by a shark instead of just sitting around waiting for the end.

Things took a turn during the lengthy flight.  While making the 32 hour trip to Adelaide Australia, I discovered a Tasmanian winery for sale via a Google advertisement at what I believed to be a very attractive price.  Through the wonders of the in flight internet access and complimentary scotch in first class, I found myself bidding on and then buying this property sight unseen upon landing in Melbourne.  In retrospect, it was hard to say if I was more jet lagged or excited.  My thoughts were that I should be able to quickly resurrect the flagging Tasmanian property after the shark diving trip in Port Lincoln, and then swiftly ascend the ranks into the Australian winemaking elite.  I anticipated the learning curve in making an award winning sparkling wine to be approximately 7-10 days, assuming I had access to self help YouTube videos.

This turned out to be a great miscalculation.  It turns out I know a great deal about drinking wine.  I also know a surprising amount about the theory of making wine.  Truth became evident however that I know nothing about the actual rigors of farming or winemaking practices.  “Biting off more than one could chew” seems applicable here.  I admit that I may have painted a bit rosier picture than was accurate when I sent my smug resignation letter to the company and accompanying soft filtered vineyard photos I clipped from an area tourist site.  I am quite sorry if I offended any of you in that letter.  I was a bit rash.  

Things turned for the worse very quickly in Tasmania.  Though I would rather not get into the incident in great detail, please note that I was not convicted of arson and will not be serving any time for insurance fraud in regards to the fire on what had been my property on April the 3rd.  Through lengthy legal proceedings, we reached a "no fault judgement".  I was permitted to leave the country with the understanding I would forfeit my property and need to petition for admission into the country on future potential visits.  I will always think fondly of the Australian people and will cherish my time there both in and out of the prison system.

I now find myself in a bit of a cash flow crisis in that I will need to successfully litigate the state of Tasmania for a portion of my initial outlay for the property.  I am optimistic my legal team will be able to find a loophole large enough to return enough money to me so I may live the rest of my days quietly yet frugally.  I have been able to support myself for the time being aboard a Dutch freighter as a crewman.  Despite an awful ten day bout of seasickness, the rest of the crew has taken to me and nicknamed me "aap braken".  I'm sure that means something like "funny guy" as they always laugh when they say it.  There is great spirit amongst the men!

I will be departing the ship today as they will be making a return trip to Australia after dropping their cargo in Hong Kong.  I have already found part time work making bubble tea in a small stall by the port, and I feel optimistic I will be able to find a temporary apartment quite cheaply. My friends on the ship told me it is very inexpensive to live here.  I have already been offered a local side job as a “yao luo”, which appears to be a courier of some type.  Things are looking up.  It seems I could be quite successful in a short time.  Though I am tempted to put down roots here, I feel the time might be right for me to return home.  This is why I am sending you this correspondence.  

It is a bit embarrassing, but if you could possibly temporarily loan me some money for an airline ticket, I would certainly pay you back as soon as I returned to Ohio.  I am operating under the assumption that I can resume my former position at my previous wage (adjusted upwards for cost of living increases of course).  Think of my time off as a sabbatical.  Surely you all recognize that my resignation letter's reference to all of you as "shit stupid troglodytes" was a farce focused on making a little levity during that tough time for all of us.  Let’s let bygones be bygones, shall we? 

I have set up an account at the local Western Union office under the name Ron Mexico.  Please wire me what you can as soon as possible.  As previously noted, I will pay you back as soon as possible!