Nurse the Hate: NFL Week 9

The Broncos are switching up the quarterback position this week moving from Trevor Siemien to Brock Osweiler.  It’s like they traded in a beat-up Kia Rio to jump into a Hyundai with a transmission problem.  It’s like they had tickets to see Poison and traded them in for Whitesnake tickets.  They pulled into Subway for lunch and walked across the street to Burger King.  It went from bad to bad.  It’s all watery draft beer in a plastic cup.  I feel badly for Denver.  Brock Osweiler is the girlfriend that left them for another suitor and is now returning just so he can be cruel and heartless again.  “You can trust me this time Denver.  I won’t break your heart.  Forget what it was like when I moved away to Houston.  Remember back when we were winning games before?  That’s the real me. ”  There will be a brief flicker of hope Sunday morning before Brock goes out and does all the things that remind you about who Brock is and always will be…  A loser just like Trevor.  How the fuck can you win an NFL game with a “Trevor” or a “Brock”?  This is what will flash across every degenerate gambler’s mind on Sunday as they approach the betting window.

Here’s the good news.  We don’t need Denver to win.  They just can’t lose by two touchdowns.  The key to this game is the Denver defense, which is quite good.  The Eagles have an injured tackle, and they aren’t great at pass protection anyway.  Wentz has been sacked the 10^th most in the league.  While everyone focuses in on the woeful state of Bronco QB play, I am going to focus in on the Broncos keeping it close.  Say what you will about Osweiler.  He doesn’t give the ball away like Siemien.  If the Broncos don’t have to play on a short field all game, they can hang in there.  Denver +9.5  

 

I don’t care for the Tennessee Titans.  They are a team that doesn’t inspire much emotion.  The team name is bad.  The uniforms are ugly.  They have a bad logo.  They always seem to hover between 5-11 and 8-8.  They are just good enough to win games over the dreck of the league, but never pull off big upsets.  I’m never quite clear on who is on the team beyond the QB and the starting RB.  I assume they have a big white tight end who is reliable and dull.  There’s probably a guy with braids that plays DB.  All my hipster Nashville friends find the team to be a hindrance to their Sunday free range waffle brunch plans when fans snarl traffic.  Frankly, I wasn’t even sure the team still played games any longer until I scanned the betting slip and saw they had the Ravens this week at home.  That got my attention.

The Ravens are really bad.  They cannot score points, except for that bizarre 40-0 blowout over Miami.  More on that later.  However, I did a little nosing around and discovered that the Ravens are 30^th in run defense giving up an average of 132 yards per game.  The bad news for them is that the Titans are 6-0 when they rush for 150+ yards.  A team that likes to run plays a team that can’t stop the run.  Oh, and the Titans are playing at home.  I think the Titans blow them out with Mariota coming back after a bye week to get that hamstring right.  Tennessee -2.5

Miami just got drilled by the Ravens 40-0.  I have been pouring over the game tapes and the only thing I can come up with is that they all were hungover or maybe sick on stone crab.  The Ravens might not score 40 points the rest of the year.  Miami then immediately overreacted by trading their best offensive player, Jay Ajayi, for a 12 pack of Corona and a gently used charcoal grill.  Jay Cutler is walking around in flip flops getting paid $18 million and not even pretending to give a single fuck.  Their offense totally blows.  Morale is low, as it always is in Miami in November.  I can’t remember when a Dolphin season wasn’t awash in disgrace by this time of year.  Now Oakland rolls into town in a “must-win” game.  The Raiders just have to win by a field goal.  This looks like a Derek Carr special while a disinterested Jay Cutler looks on wearing a visor.  Oakland -3.

Season Record:  9-9