Nurse the Hate: My Red Wagon and NFL Week 13

 I used to have a red wagon.  I don't want to imply that I recently had this red wagon.  I had it when I was seven years old or so.  I am not sure why kids in my era were all given wagons.  Maybe children in that time had more things they needed to haul around, hence the need for a wagon.  We all had wagons.  I don't recall seeing kids laboriously tugging wagons filled with rocks, but yet all parents got kids wagons when they turned five or so.  Maybe the wagon lobbyists had a great marketing campaign that suggested you were a shitty parent unless your kid had a wagon like Disney browbeats parents today.  Regardless, we all had wagons.

It didn't take long to realize a wagon wasn't much fun as a stand alone toy.  Placing something in a wagon and moving it somewhere else is a chore, not play.  That was when I and my fellow neighbor children began to sit in our wagons and go down the steep hill near our homes.  This was an age well before TikTok videos urged behavior like leaping off roofs with skateboards.  We genuinely thought this was a good idea.  It vaguely occurred to us that hurtling down a paved road with only the handle of the wagon as a steering device was a bad idea, but the sheer joy of speed overrode common sense.

I think it was a kid named Michael Johnson that wiped out.  It was him or Christopher.  By the way, those kids weren't "Mike" and "Chris".  They were "Michael" and "Christopher".  I might have been hanging out with a bunch of hair stylists and not known it.  Anyway, Michael overcorrected with his wagon handle, and the wheels locked up.  This flipped the wagon face first with Michael holding onto the wagon handle and thus rolling the wagon with him down the pavement and eventually into the ditch.  It was like that "Agony of Defeat" ski jump clip but with a seven year old kid and a metal wagon making a terrific clanging noise. 

The bleeding Michael did what any kid his age would do, run home crying.  We did what any kid that age would do in response, also run home to hide from whatever inevitable adult retribution was headed our way.  I don't remember getting in trouble over that, but I do vaguely recall hauling the battered remains of Michael's wagon to my garage where we attempted to "fix it".  Note, seven year olds are not adept at repairing bent metal.  That wagon never rolled correctly again.  That's the way it goes.  Sometimes you have to take your lumps.  That's what I plan to do today when I venture into the Wilderness of Mirrors that is the Lions v Vikings game.    

One of the highest profile games of the NFL gambling year is an otherwise meaningless Lions v Vikings game.  For whatever reason, this is THE GAME that anyone with an opinion has action on.  There are two conflicting narratives.  1). The Lions have quietly become a Top 12 team in the last month and are wildly undervalued.  This is the perfect spot to bet the Lions as they take on a wildly overvalued Vikings team that has pulled out wins out of their ass despite not being very good.  Narrative 2) is that the Lions are great as underdogs because they keep playing hard and get backdoor covers.  As a favorite though, they are still the Lions and will be the Lions, ripping your heart out with a stupid turnover late or a horrible strategy error from the coaching staff.  This is the time to bet the Vikings because you don't get to be 10-2 by accident, and the fact that the Vikings keep winning shows you they do what it takes.  You have to bet the Vikings because they are winners, and the Lions are losers.  

Here's what I think.  If the line makes massive line moves like this (Vikings favored by one all the way to Vikings getting 2), bet the opposite way of the money.  Every dipshit with a Fan Duel account has been piling on the Lions.  Frankly, I can make a case for either game narrative, but in the end, I like betting against Fan Duel Nation.  If you bet the Lions this week, you have come to the same conclusion as a dude with a backwards baseball cap named "Randy" that loves commercial country music and drives a Jeep.  Vikings +2

I watched Deshaun Watson play last week.  He wasn't good.  At all.  It turns out that not playing a football game for over 700 days and then just hopping out on the field with world class athletes that have been playing every week for the last 4 months is quite difficult.  The Browns have somehow managed to downgrade their offense just in time to face a surging Bengals team.  Let's also not forget the Bengals are home with maximum motivation after being embarrassed by the Browns on Monday Night Football a month ago AND they need a divisional win in the worst way.  Oh, and the press keep asking Joe Burrow why he can't beat the Browns.  I think Cincinnati kills Cleveland today, but we just need them to win by a touchdown.  Cincinnati -5.5

Season record:  22-15-1