Nurse the Hate: Yes, That's Johnny Depp and NFL Week 8

I have a long artistic distrust of Johnny Depp.  He had stopped being an actor doing films for creative merit decades ago.  His last good movie is arguably “Blow” in 2001.  Don’t even try to justify those shitty Pirate movies where Johnny swiped Keith Richards 1990s identity and then pretended to be Keith with an eye patch.  Those movies are awful and are produced to make money off the large swaths of people on the planet with the intellect of barnyard animals.  Just because something makes a ton of money doesn’t mean it is “successful”, unless your definition of success is strictly financial.  If that is the case, then Olive Garden, Trans Siberian Orchestra, Bang energy drink, and Alex Jones are “successful”, which is likely the only time these four things have been linked together.  

When Johnny Depp became stupid famous along that Tom Cruise level, he did what all people that hit that level of fame seem to do, he went crazy.  Johnny Depp has spent the most of the last 25 years trying to ingratiate himself with all the posters he must have had up in his 17 year old boy room.  Hunter S Thompson, Keith Richards and Marilyn Manson immediately come to mind.  Johnny would burrow in there, and in no time at all start to dress and talk like his new best friends.  There was this woman I knew who would change overnight based on who she was hanging around.  For example, if she was dating some guy that was into golf, overnight she was 110% about golf.  You’d never heard her mention golf once, and then two weeks later we all had to pretend she’s always worn clothes with a Taylor logo on them and always been totally focused on who was going to win the British Open.  A month later she’d be with a new guy and suddenly only cared about organic raw food or whatever the fuck thing that dude was into.  That’s Johnny.       

Johnny's ultimate crush is Keith Richards.  Like anyone that wanders into Keith Richards orbit, Johnny got damaged.  Keith was a white hot sun of destruction in the 1960s-80 that destroyed anyone that tried to live like he did.  Gram Parsons, I’m thinking about you here.  Though the temperature of Keith’s destructive power faded with age into something along “bad influence” like a college dorm neighbor that smoked tons of weed and skipped class, Johnny bought into the myth.  Johnny somehow decided that since he pretended to be Keith in a pirate costume, and even got Keith a part so they could play dress-up together on one of those shitty movies, he and Keith were The Same.  Johnny moved his look into that of “1970s rock gypsy”, somehow not noticing how out of style that was in the new millennium.  Like a 20 year old, he bought into the rock and roll myth hook, line and sinker.  Johnny started to awkwardly play guitar with a 1970s focused record collection of ex-legends.  He formed the “supergroup” with Joe Perry and Alice Cooper called the Hollywood Vampires, a bunch of guys playing workhorse rock standard cover tunes in a more upscale version of a band you’d see on a weekend at a sports bar.  I have my suspicions that Hollywood Vampires is like a travel baseball team where the shitty kid they made play second base had a Dad that bought the team uniforms.  In this case, Johnny is the shitty kid playing second base AND the rich Dad. 

Now I don’t have any problem with Johnny Depp dressing like Steven Tyler or knocking out covers of “Baba O’Riley” with a bunch of 70 year old rock dudes.  That’s probably a lot of fun.  The interesting thing is that Johnny appears to think that he’s BECOME one of these classic rock guys.  He’s now out on tour with always cranky Jeff Beck after recording a record.  How much money did Jeff Beck shake out of Depp to play on that?  I saw what can only be described as a disturbing interview with Beck/Depp as Depp played the part of “slightly hungover rock guy pseudo-covertly sipping whiskey from a plastic cup while trying to make his guitar party rock record sound deep and important”.  Depp seems to be the only one unaware that Jeff Beck is doing this for a paycheck and possible PR boost out of the oldies circuit.  More importantly, Johnny Depp doesn’t seem to know that he’s not a rock star.  He's a fella in a Sylvain Sylvain costume with a bunch of odd plastic surgery.

I don’t get it.  The guy is/was one of the biggest movie stars on the planet.  Let’s compare Johnny to a similar guy from Johnny’s preferred Baby Boom Generation, Jack Nicholson.  Jack Nicholson knew how to handle fame.  Jack would go to the parties, hang out with rock guys, and then leave because HE WAS JACK NICHOLSON.  Jack knew that he sucked the air out of every room, and he was a movie star, the biggest level of fame possible.  You ever see Jack sitting around strumming an acoustic with Steven Stills, the 1910 Fruitgum Company and Donovan?  No way.  Johnny meanwhile is like Vanilla Ice trying to pretend he’s something he’s not.  What the fuck man?  Let’s make a deal.  Jeff Beck, single named Beck, and even I will stay out of Pirate Movies.  Johnny Depp is not allowed to pretend to be Keith Richards unless he spends three years minimum playing tiny clubs in Erie/Youngstown/Akron with songs he wrote.  Everyone needs to stay in their lane.     

Speaking of staying in your lane, let’s talk Zack Wilson from the Jets.  I have Wilson slotted in as maybe not the worst QB in the league, but he certainly can see Baker Mayfield clearly sitting down there at the bottom.  Wilson has, at times, looked competent, which shakes my belief system to its core.  I had wagered on the Jets UNDER win total, and this winning record from New York is unsustainable.  The Jets didn’t suddenly become some sort of buzzsaw.  They’re the Jets.  They are dependably bad, like the Browns and Lions.  And now they face the Patriots after an embarrassing public MNF loss to the Bears.  The Patriots after a double digit loss are something like 73% ATS, and while no one will confuse the current roster as any of the dynasty teams from the past, I like the odds of The Hoodie getting back to kicking the shit out of the Jets, something he has done over his career with workmanlike precision.  New England -2.5

I am going to the well with Carolina again.  I am concerned that last week’s win over Tampa might have been the “rally around the flagpole” effort teams that fly the white flag often make after a coach firing.  However, and this is very odd to type this out, I think PJ Walker is a much better starting QB than Mayfield/Darnold and gives the Panthers a legit chance in this game.  There are many players in pro sports that just languish hoping for a chance.  How fortunate can you be to find yourself the third QB in a locker room with Sam Darnold and Baker Mayfield?  Walker must have been in training camp thinking, “I’m going to play because even if these clowns don’t get hurt, they suck so bad, they’ll HAVE to put me in there.”

I think Atlanta’s “run first/run second/don’t let Mariota pass it” offense has run its course of effectiveness.  The League is cruel.  It figures out how to beat you, and then everyone copies it once the blueprint is out  until you adjust back.  The problem is that Atlanta can’t adjust.  This is it.  They’re running the ball and hope they don’t fall behind.  Atlanta covered their first six games, an insane run.  I believe we will see what is referred to as “a market correction” this week.  Carolina +4.

Cincinnati seems to have come to their senses and stopped trying to be a run-first team.  They are throwing the ball and daring teams to stop them.  The Browns can’t stop anyone.  The Browns have the vibe of a team circling the drain.  Here’s a couple scenarios for you…. Browns fall behind 14-0 after Cincy connects on two long pass plays like the Browns have given up all year.  How do the Browns come back from that?  They cannot play from behind.  Scenario 2.  The Browns slow the game down by running 65% of the time and control the clock.  They’re up by three.  Bengals get the ball back with two minutes left.  Who wins that game?  Yeah, I’m with you.  A bunch of sad sack Browns fans will trudge across the modern "Bridge of Sighs" on West 3rd St with their dreams crushed.  Again.  Cincinnati -3.        

Current record:  12-9