Nurse the Hate NFL Week 2 and My New Solar Rollerz

 

I was driving back from an optometrist appointment yesterday.  I had been hoping to just call him on the phone, order the contacts and then pick them up a few days later.  In the back of my mind, I knew that would be impossible.  Any medical service in the United States comes with the surcharge of the "office visit".  I braced myself as I made the call.  "Do you know when you were here last?"  I decide not to lie so much as float out what I would call a "hopeful projection" about the date of my last visit.  "About a year ago?"  After a quick check of the records, it was revealed my last exam had taken place during the Ford Administration.  I was on the hook.  "Yeah... Thursday at 4p is fine."

We all have minor accomplishments that we are proud of that don't merit much more response in others except maybe a "Really?  Wow." and then it's forgotten.  I am talking about things like two of my minor superpowers.  For example, if I put something in the oven and set a timer, I don't ever check the timer or think about it, I will magically know when it's time.  I can be sprawled out reading the Nw York Times on a Sunday having put something in the oven, be deep in an article, and have it pop in my head "it's ready".  When I go to the oven, there will be less than 15 seconds on the timer.   See?  It's a response of "Oh?  That's weird." and that's about it.  Superman can fly around, and I can do that.

My other great power is that I have had the exact same prescription for my contacts since I first got them when I was 15.  I have the exact same "not that bad" eyesight that I had when I failed the State of Pennsylvania eye exam to get my learner's permit.  The good news is that I eventually got contacts, passed the eye exam, got my learner's permit, and later modified my birthdate on the permit to allow me to buy beer from takeout at seedy Erie PA bars as a baby faced 17 year old.  It was a happy ending.  However, I knew this current eye exam was a complete waste of time, and so did the doctor, but $125 is $125 and he was going to give me that goddamn exam.     

I received the eye drops that open up your pupils like you're on an acid bender.  Various measurement devices and instruments were used to determine that my eyes were exactly the same.  New contacts would be in on Tuesday.  I climbed into my car shielding my eyes from the sun like someone emerging from a mine cave-in after a week of clawing at the soil like a mole.  I had been given the "solar rollerz" you see in the photo above, launched myself into rush hour traffic driving aggressively and thinking about this week's slate of NFL games.

I think that The Public overreacts to each game, and no greater overreaction exists than from Preseason Hype to Post Game 1.  Months are spent overanalyzing each team and then it all gets thrown out the window because somebody fumbles twice.  Green Bay, many people's Super Bowl pick, suddenly sucks because they lost on the road at Minnesota.  Chicago, expected to be the worst team in the NFL, suddenly deserves respect because they beat San Francisco in the rain despite Fields throwing eight (8) completions.  Green Bay is going to beat Chicago.  They aren't going to be 0-2 and Chicago 2-0 after Week 2.  No fucking way.  I want to tie them into a parlay with Minnesota.  I think if Minnesota beat Green Bay soundly, it doesn't mean Green Bay sucks.  I think it means Minnesota is good.   The Vikings play the Eagles, who have after one week of not covering versus the Lions have been christened potential NFC champs.  I am going to bet Green Bay, Minnesota, and a Green Bay/Minnesota money line parlay.    

I'm taking the Houston Texans +10 at Denver.  I was not impressed by what I saw from Denver last week in Seattle.  I am of the understanding that this Shanahan theory offense in Denver is complicated, and there is a learning curve on it.  I also think Wilson is in decline.  Do I think the Texans are good?  God no.  But we are talking about a Denver offense that had trouble with the Seahawks after losing Mike Adams, so all we need is Houston to keep it within single digits.  Houston +10.

The Colts were humiliated when they lost at Jacksonville last year and missed the playoffs.  Every sports talk show pointed out how poorly the Colts have played against the Jags for the last few years, which boggles the imagination because the Jags are like a Florida Cracker version of The Jets.  When I watch those Jaguar home games I think about how bleak Jacksonville is and how that stadium must be a great place to get chlamydia.  You ever look at that truck stop trash floating around in that end zone pool?  It makes Kalahari look ritzy.  Here's the choice... Take the superior team that has the game circled on the schedule and give a field goal, or bet on Trevor Lawrence.  If this was Clemson v Boston College, I'm on Lawrence.  It's not.  It's the Colts.  Indianapolis -3.

Season Record:  1-1