Nurse the Hate: Junior Varsity Football and NFL Week 7

It was one of those crisp autumn mornings where the leaves were at their most brilliant, the colors almost buzzing off the trees.  It’s the time of year where the vibrant oranges, reds and yellows contrast against the more stubborn trees still holding onto their green.  The school bus pulled up in front of the foreign high school and a pack of cheerleaders came out.  Even at a glance, the social pecking order was easy to understand, the most popular girls confidently walking towards the football field entrance.  The concept of cheerleaders is amazingly throwback, to a time when women could only offer support to men participating in sports instead of participating themselves.   Maybe the concept of cheerleaders today is focused on affirming the power dynamics of the high school.  Frankly, I have no idea.  One of the girls switched on a little self-contained amp/speaker and a terrible pop hit came blaring out.  The cheerleaders closed ranks and walked in as a pack, a combination of nervous energy, projected confidence and jittery social anxiety.  It was, by all accounts, a great morning for JV Football.  

The teams were both out on the field warming up.  A very small group of parents and relatives began to assemble in the stands.  A large pickup truck aggressively pulled into the lot and three older boys popped out and slowly walked towards the stands projecting the practiced indifference that their exalted status as senior football starters allowed.  Like NBA stars attending a college game, they mirrored the slow walk in that told everyone “we are here to offer support because we are good guys, but don’t be confused and think we give a fuck about who wins.”  The varsity having played and won the night before, these boys were still taking their victory lap.  They don’t know it yet, but they might never have that type of self-perceived status again.  To further confirm the junior varsity position as second class citizens, they play their games early on Saturday mornings with sparse crowds to hammer in the distance between them and the glory of the Friday Night Lights.  

13 visiting fans flecked the four sections of stands on the opposition side.  The home team side began to grow to about 30 in the much larger and nicer home stands.  In a true questionable division of education resources, the football stadium was nicer than many small college stadiums.  This is where the Midwest starts however, and football matters.  The boys on the field ran drills.  The cheerleaders huddled in a pack.  The Moms in their supportive team color sweatshirts readied up the snack bar.  That was when the sound system came on.  Slash’s guitar riff is unmistakable and now part of every American sporting event.  “Welcome To The Jungle” kicked in to let those sons of bitches from the other school know that THIS was THE JUNGLE.  Yes, the 28 people that had gathered to watch their kids or grandkids play a football game versus some other local boys would make this so inhospitable that all of their efforts would be futile.  “DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?  YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE!”  I laughed out loud.

I guess you can’t play “Girl From Ipanema” or a Guided By Voices song as the community football stadium mood music but if anyone would have put even a small thought into it, maybe sway off “Welcome To The Jungle”.  Besides being a horrible cliche, it’s also does the exact opposite of the intent, where it points out how friendly and nice the situation was for all concerned.  I mean, if I were to set up camp and start screaming horrible profanities at the visiting 15 year old boy football players, this really would be been a variation of “The Jungle”, but I think I can say with great confidence that no one wanted that.  An angry middle aged man losing his shit while sitting alone at a junior varsity football game is probably a home field advantage of some kind, but the Mom or Dad that assembled the stadium playlist sure wouldn’t want the reality of making the stadium inhospitable.  

You know another place where they should never play “Welcome To The Jungle”?  Jacksonville.  The people of Jacksonville are only mildly interested in their team, which is understandable as their team has been awful for years.  I have visited Jacksonville.  It is Toledo on the ocean.  I vividly recall drug addict crackers hanging out at the beach, four wheel trucks with American flags flying off the tailgate like Redneck Al-Qaeda, and a sad Hooters location by a tax driven “Harbor Experience” that had no soul whatsoever.  Jacksonville is the worst.  When I saw that the sad ass Jaguars were giving three points to the Giants, I couldn’t bet on the Giants fast enough.  With the exception of dominating the Colts once and beating the savagely injured Chargers, the Jags lost to the Commanders, Texans and Colts.  Why are they favored to beat anyone?  They’ve lost their last 3, and are heading to London next week.  This is an ideal flat spot for a shit team.  New York Giants +3.

As you may know, I am very much in favor of the “buy low” strategy on these NFL teams.  Gamblers suffer from recency bias.  Whatever happened last week will happen again.  Except when it doesn’t.  There is no team as low as the Carolina Panthers.  The coach got fired.  They traded their one star.  Their QB completed 11 passes last week, 10 of which were less than one yard completions.  If I were a real man, I’d bet on the Panthers +13 over Tampa.  I don’t have that kind of courage though, so I am going to take a couple other “buy low teams”.  I’m on the Browns +6.5 against Baltimore.  Look, the Browns looked terrible last week.  Then again, it’s because the Browns got outsmarted by The Hoodie.  That’s what he does.  The Browns are an OK team.  They’re not really good, but they’re not really bad.  I can’t justify why Baltimore, a team that loves to give games away late, is going to win by 7.  They have only covered one game by more than 6 points.  These divisional games are normally close in the NFL.  The Browns know Lamar and how to limit him.  I’m not saying they can, but at least they know what to expect.  Cleveland +6.5

I heard rumblings Russell Wilson was going to be out this week.  That could be good news for the Broncos because he’s been awful.  Brett Rypien gets the start for Denver.  He beat the Jets in 2021, which seems like good news for Denver, but Denver’s offense being terrible isn’t all on Wilson.  I saw Denver was -1 a couple days ago, so I jumped on the Jets +7 teasing it with New England -2 against an awful Bears team.  I am hoping that the reputation of Wilson and lack thereof of Rypien moves the line to Denver +2 so I can then tease Denver +8/NE -2 and middle the damn thing.  Stay tuned on that.

Season record:  10-9