The 2023 Thanksgiving Galaxy Of Wagers

 

It is odd not to be playing a gig tonight.  "The Biggest Bar Night Of The Year" was/is the night before Thanksgiving.  The band had reliably received the call from one of our partner venues each year to play that night for a couple of reasons.  1.  The people that follow the Whiskey Daredevils are much like the band members themselves, people that will run up mammoth bar tabs with no thought to the future family get together the following day.  2.  We will play on other nights when softer bands won't.  Having always followed the concept of "it's better to play than not to play", I will pull the trigger on any gig unless the karma surrounding it is so obscenely negative that no rational human being would take it.  I leave that to Dennis Bell from the Lords of the Highway.  I kid Dennis, I kid.  

Tonight still might be "The Biggest Bar Night Of The Year", but most of our friends don't hit it like that in 2023.  I don't know about you, but my world is now filled with hearing statements like "The boys are on their way back from school" or "We have 27 coming over tomorrow and I have to slaughter the ox".  It's hard to do Jager shots at 1:30am if 27 relatives (of which you like 4 of them) will show up hungry at your doorstep in less than 12 hours.  Life was certainly easier when you either just got to show up at a family dinner like Elvis or had no commitments whatsoever.  I haven't done that move in a long time with the exception of a doomed Vegas Thanksgiving when Krusty got covid about 11 minutes after we had landed.  I have usually cooked.  I can't tell you how many times I rolled in from Youngstown at 415am and just started to make stuffing.  I'd have that nice dull headache behind the eyes and get myself in position to fall asleep watching the Lions not cover the early game.  It was my little tradition. 

I have cooked the Thanksgiving meal 23 of the last 25 years.  Despite all the "let's hear it for Mom" lip service that gets tossed around, a traditional Thanksgiving meal is shockingly easy to prepare.  It's probably even easier if you deep fry the turkey, assuming of course that you don't burn down the garage and inflict grease burns on various nieces and nephews when that operation goes south.  I am so full of free time this year not having to worry about driving the van home from some distant club, that I am even going to bake a pie this Thanksgiving.  I am a lot like Martha Stewart but with no jail time.  I can't even remember why she went to jail?  Was she tied into that Jeffrey Epstein sex ring thing?  Hey, say what you will about Martha selling teenage girls into the sex trade, she still bakes a whale of a pie.    

As a result, I am more eager than ever to fully embrace the Thanksgiving Galaxy of Wagers.  To review, this is when Krusty and I bet on every single sporting event on TV, creating intricate multiple moving part wagers with almost no chance of success.  An example?  How about this sucker bet?  Green Bay +13.5/Washington +18.5/San Fran -.5.  Green Bay makes me the most nervous here as they sorta suck.  I'll need them to score about 20 points to have this come in, but the Lions defense has faded so that seems reasonable.  So what happens if Green Bay lays an egg?  No problem!  How about a Lions money line/Washington +12.5/SF money line/Mississippi v Mississippi St UNDER 55.5?  This is a key to the Galaxy of Wagers.  One outcome will not completely sink the ship, and with luck you can middle it with a Lions seven point victory.  I do like Washington.  They lost to the Giants last weekend, so you're really buying low here.  Nobody watched that game because, why would you?  It's Washington v the Giants.  However, if you check the box score you will note that Washington was a stunning -6 in turnovers.  In the modern era only two teams have won games at -6 in turnovers.  They outgained the Giants in first downs 28 to 10.  I think Washington can hang around in this game and all The Rubes will bet Dallas.  I will take Washington +12.5 straight up too.  

Geno Smith got hurt in the Seahawks v Rams game exiting briefly and reminding us all how badly Drew Locke sucks.  Geno is going to play, but having to play the best team in football with a restricted throwing ability isn't a great situation.  Hence, I got on San Francisco -6.5 before this line inevitably moved to -7.  Yet, that is not the only game on in Prime!  I'm talking Egg Bowl, The Battle for Mississippi, as the Rebels and whatever the hell Mississippi State is duke it out.  Mississippi State just fired their coach, but he seemed doomed to failure anyway.  They promptly went out and beat Southern Miss, one of their only wins over a school you've heard of.  These in state rivalry games are insane, but Ole Miss seems like the right side. I just don't know if they cover 10.  I am going to assume they grind out a physical win and keep the scoring low, UNDER 55.5.  The real move though is to parlay the Egg Bowl Over/Santos Laguna -160.  Thanksgiving doesn't end until you've seen if your Egg Bowl hedge in the 10:10p Mexican League fares.  In my perusing the very emotional Mexican soccer league boards, it appears that Santos Laguna should beat Mazlatan FC, a match even more exciting on Univision when you can't understand a fucking word.  The college basketball lines aren't out yet, but I look forward to launching three or four multi moving part parlays that have NO (zero) chance of hitting, just so I can be faithful to tradition.  Some people enjoy Thanksgiving tradition by tucking into a bowl full of ambrosia and scooping green bean casserole in giant heaps onto their plate.  Me?  I step into The Galaxy Of Wagers.     

This just in... You'd be a damn fool not to parlay Boston College/North Carolina basketball and somehow tie in the early Mexican League soccer match!