Nurse the Hate: Thoughts On Jesus And Such

 

I was struggling on stage recently with this cough/cold/flu/"How can I be sick if I tested negative for covid" thing.  It does slip my mind that it is possible to become ill with the 13,765 other potential ailments floating around other than covid.  In the past when you would get a bad cold/chest cough, it was "something that's going around".  This is commonly referred to as "it", as in "Yeah, my sister had it and then a few people from work had it.  It's been going around.".  You knew you didn't want to get "it" and if you didn't, you could refer back to this good fortune as "I didn't get it last Fall, and I thought a couple weeks ago I was going to get it, but I fought it off.".  Unfortunately, I had "it".

It might have been the dangerous self-prescribed mix of ibuprofen, mucinex, Rolling Rock, and bourbon, but I had some weird thoughts floating around as I concentrated on how to work past vocal notes I had no chance of hitting.  I can't explain why, but I thought about Jesus at one point.  Not, "our Lord and Savior will look after me".  No, my thoughts were a bit more specific.  It had hit me, in all of the centuries of serious paintings of Christ, I can't recall seeing one where you can see his teeth.  All of those crucifixion paintings that line the Prado museum in Madrid, not one that shows his teeth.  That's when a concept began to dawn on me.  

What if Jesus had fucked up teeth?

I am sure Biblical scholars can argue that being the son of God, there will be a certain level of perfection with your body.  That's reasonable.  However, if all of these painting are consistent showing Jesus with a six pack, luxurious mane of hair, and attractive facial features, why leave out the teeth?  What if he had buckteeth, and early on there was a gentleman's agreement to just not show the teeth?  "Look, we are trying to get this Catholic Church off the ground here, and it's been brought to my attention that it's a hard sell if we start whipping out these bucktooth Jesus etchings.  From this point on, give him a good looking set of teeth, or better yet, just keep his mouth closed.  Paul was telling me just the other day he was in this village spreading the word, and the entire time he's fending off questions like "If he's the son of God, how come he has a mouth like a mackerel?"  From this point on, no more teeth.  Got it?".   

In any period piece drama set in the time of Christ, there are plenty of folks selling rugs, money changers, and tents to get a quick bite to eat.  You know what you never see?  Orthodontists.  You also never see anyone brushing their teeth.  "OK Centurions.  We are going to go nail these dudes to crosses, but before we go, let's make sure everyone brushes their teeth.  The last thing we need before you all rotate back home to Rome is a bunch of gingivitis.  Let's go.  Brush 'em boys."  I'm telling you, there's no way Jesus had a good set of choppers.  Guy wanders around in the desert for 40 days, there's no way he's attentive to his dental health.  These are the type of things that hit you when you are jacked up on Bookers/Mucinex and think past the accepted narrative.

Here's another narrative I'm not buying.  The Ravens are one of the best teams in the NFL.  Hear me out on this.  The Ravens are 6-2 with a signature win over the Lions that I'm admittedly still a little bitter about.  However, those wins also include Texans with Stroud making his first NFL start, Browns with DTR starting on short notice, Bengals with injured Joe Burrow, and Titans with Malik Willis.  That's not exactly murderer's row.  They beat Arizona last week by 7.  This week the Ravens are favored over Seattle by 6?  I'm not saying the Ravens aren't a good team.  They look like a surefire playoff team.  Then again, so does Seattle.  A case can be made that Seattle is the best team to get this many points all season.  I don't get this line.  It's too many points.  This feels like a FG game to me.  Seattle +6.

Baker Mayfield has an injured knee.  The Bucs are reporting it as a "contusion".  There are a couple things I can tell you about Baker Mayfield playing through injuries.  1.  The guy is tough as nails and will get on the field regardless of how injured he is.  2.  He will not play very well while doing so.  Mayfield cost himself multi generational money when he played through that horrific shoulder injury he had in Cleveland.  Mayfield's fear now is that if he gets off the field and his backup comes in, he won't ever get back on the field.  He will get relegated to "former starter washout that will now linger around as a backup".  Mayfield is playing no matter what.  For those of us getting on the Texans -3, this is good news.  Tampa has lost their last 3 games and they aren't scoring points.  They have two touchdowns in their last three games when you take out the meaningless garbage time TD late against the Bills last week.  The Texans are in a good spot.  They just lost a public embarrassment game versus winless Carolina on the road, but have covered four of their last five.  They've beaten Jacksonville and Pittsburgh.  I think the Texans are better than The Public does, sort of bubbling around that Browns/Seahawks/Jets level.  I think this is a team on the rise and they handle Tampa easily.  Houston -3. 

I'm going to make a small wager on Kansas City over Miami in the Sunday morning game in Frankfurt.  This isn't a football handicap so much as an NFL marketing handicap.  The Chiefs are the biggest profile team in the league at the moment.  You've got the best QB in Patrick Mahomes, a TE dating Taylor Swift, a recognizable coach, and the Super Bowl title.  The league flew the whole circus over to Germany last year, and for some reason Tom Brady seemed to have a lot of penalties go his way late to secure an unlikely Tampa win.  I see the same thing going for Pat Mahomes as long as KC can hang around.  Miami is good but seems to bully bad teams.  KC has a good defensive front (just like the Eagles), and Miami has problems with that.  The NFL wants a smiling Mahomes jogging off the field with a furiously clapping Taylor Swift visible from the luxury box.  Kansas City -1.5   

Current Record:  11-13-1