Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Five Things I Actually Like

Here's a few things I have really been enjoying the past couple weeks...

1) The chimp that ripped the woman's face off: Economy got you down? Lose your job? Winter blues? What could be better than a story about some crazy hillbilly woman with a mad ape that ripped her friend's face off? Can you even imagine being attacked by a 140 lb chimpanzee? Their move is to first blind you so you cannot see them to counter attack, hence the woman's eyes were eaten out of her skull. Then they rip your fingers off so you can't get a hold of them. Smart, huh? So here's the scene... The victim drives over to her wacky friend's house to visit. Sure, she's got this big chimpanzee roaming around shitting everywhere, but hopefully he's got his diaper on. (Sidebar: If chimps are so Goddamn smart, why can't they be toilet trained? I mean, a cat goes into a litter box. What's with the chimp? As I recall in Lancelot Link, they can drive cars and solve crimes.)

Next thing she knows that chimp is screaming at the top of his lungs eating her eyes out and ripping her fingers off. I can think of a few ways you could get your face removed. For me, first choice would be in an operating room under heavy anesthesia. Far far down the list would be "ripped off by a chimp". Lesson learned? Don't keep a 140 lb chimpanzee in the house. Check.

2) That crazy OctoMom: People just can't get enough of that kooky woman that keeps having kids like a junkyard dog has litters of mongrel pups. It's like a car wreck. It's hard to turn away. I also like how she is trying to look like Angelina Jolie, and got plastic surgery to enhance those lips. Where did she get the money to do that? How is she not locked up in a Mental Hospital rocking back and forth in her own feces? Who is the doctor that somehow still has his license after dropping 8 kids into her? These are all valid questions. The biggest one to me is "How fucked up are those kids going to be as 15 year olds"? I see bad tattoos, teen pregnancies, and lots of meth smoking on the horizon there. Added bonus for the OctoMom's mother: Going onto TV shows and arguing with her insane daughter for the delight of stay at home Moms and shut ins every afternoon.

3) Spring training: I am very excited about baseball's return. I just can't seem to string wins together betting on college hoops for the simple reason that there's too many teams to keep track of effectively. Let me break it down further. I don't know what the hell I am talking about. Will that stop me from betting wildly on the NCAA Tournament? Of course not. Does April baseball even matter? They say you can't win a pennant in April, but you can lose one. Regardless about how you feel about that argument, there is no better way to spend a weeknight than having action down on an otherwise meaningless Kansas City Royals vs Toronto Blue Jays game. (Especially if Gil Meche is pitching at home against a right handed starter other than Halladay...Man, I go the itch!)

Baseball is always somewhat predictable due to a lack of salary cap. Teams that will be good: Red Sox, Yankees, Angels, Cubs, and Mets. Teams that will be bad: Royals, Pirates, Mariners, Orioles and Giants. Everybody else will be somewhere in between. Remember the really good teams win 60% of the time, and the really bad teams win 40% of the time. Let's bet some underdogs and win some $$$!

4) Winter CD and book purchases: When it's cold and shitty outside, I buy lots of CDs and read lots of books. Things I would recommend include Robyn Hitchcock "Goodbye Oslo", "The Best of the Chocolate Watchband", Dex Romweber Duo "Ruins of Berlin", Nick Cave "Dig Lazurus Dig!", Link Wray "Big City After Dark", Velvet Underground "Loaded", and The Gourds "Haymaker". Books? David Sedaris "Naked", Steve Martin "Born Standing Up" and Jay McInerny "The Good Life". I also am making another game attempt at Marcel Proust "In Remembrance of Days", but I am not optimistic.

5) Big Red Wines and Big Giant Ales: This is the best time of year for giant cabernets, syrahs, and zins. Since nobody has any money right now, we all look for value. Pick up either the Napa or Sonoma blend of Ravenswood Zin, any of the 38 different Rosenblum Zins, Castle Rock syrah, or Mr Riggs Shiraz. You can't get a big ball busting Napa Cab for less than $30. Don't even try. Spend the money in less popular varietals like Zin, Petite Sirah, or even a good Grenache, You'll be glad you did. Obviously, after the Winter Warmer, I'm down with the ales now too. Don't even get me started on this smoked German beer Texas Pete hipped me to last month. (Everybody just loves that Texas Pete!!!) Check out a bottle of Aecht Schlenkerla Maerzen. It's like drinking a glass of beer jerky while sitting inside a campfire. I know, it sounds really fucked up, but it's good. There's no way you'll drink two, but you'll enjoy one. Plus Texas Pete swears it's the way to go in adding it to beef stew, and that pesky little fella knows his beef stew.


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