Nurse the Hate: Still Hate Elf On The Shelf

I first became aware of the dangerous child mind control product “The Elf On The Shelf” last year.  It immediately made me uneasy to think about parents placing a snitch for Santa in their house, essentially teaching their children that they are always being watched by Authority and those that inform Authority will be rewarded.  The Snitch (i.e. The Elf) is placed in great esteem.  He has a shiny book dedicated to him which takes great pains to let the child know that this Snitch has a direct line to Santa.  The child is nothing.  His pleasure can be taken away by one simple misdeed that is noted by the cold unblinking eyes of the Snitch Elf.  If your behavior conforms, you will receive great reward.  If you stray from the path, for even a moment, you will receive nothing. 

This Friday CBS will reinforce the status of this little creep Elf with a prime time special, “The Elf On The Shelf: An Elf’s Story”.  As if the book was not enough, parents can now point to their giant TV monitor and let their children soak in the most effective and persuasive medium ever devised.  Comply or be punished.  It must be true kids.  It’s on TV.

 
CBS, clearly involved in this mind control effort, is probably right now splicing in subliminal images of decapitations, napalm strikes, the Kennedy assassination, slaughterhouse footage, and German snuff films to further the theme of punishment for nonconformity.  Children will watch in rapt attention as the magical elf cavorts with Santa, yet feel an increasing uneasiness as the images wash over them.  Maybe some will even notice an odd flicker to the show where the quick edits were done, but they can’t quite put their foot on what is wrong.  It will be later when the nightmares come…
 
This Elf on the Shelf hustle is a profitable little cottage industry that grossed an estimated $10 million dollars.  Still, I think they are thinking too small.  The problem with this “behavioral adaption system” is that it can only be employed for two months tops.  What they need to do is expand out into the other ten months.  Why not create an iconic creature for everyday use in the household?  If the idea works in December, keep the idea and change the wrapping paper to keep the kids in line all year long.

Let’s say you create “Chester the One-Eyed Owl”.  Chester would be an owl doll with an eye patch over one of his eyes.  The book would detail how he lost one of his eyes because of swift and decisive punishment for bad behavior from his alcoholic step father.  Now Chester, unable to find friends because of his horrible disfigurement, works as an informant for his alcoholic step father in their quest to make sure children are always “good little boys and girls”.  The step father is some sort of delusional vigilante type that sees everything as black and white despite having a confused moral code himself.   

Each night Chester flies to this volatile man’s house with the chopper parked out front and reports with great detail the events of the previous day.  If the child’s behavior is bad enough, the step father will hop onto his chopper and roar over to the house, taking the child’s eye with an ice pick as he sleeps.  Making things more interesting are the unclear recollections provided to the step father from Chester the Owl as “the one-eyed owl sees only what he wants to see”.  That’s the hook of the book.  The One-Eyed Owl Sees Only What He Wants To See.  This will teach children the valuable skill of attempting to curry favor with unpredictable authority figures, and induce a fear of immediate unjust reprisals from unseen powerful men.  It’s what our society is built on.  If the book and CBS sponsored animated special are done right, kids will wet their pants if they even hear a motorcycle in the distance. 

I need to get a business plan together on this thing.  This idea is solid gold.