Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Nurse the Hate: The Galaxy of Wagers

Thanksgiving is truly a great holiday.  Leisure time, drinking, football and a big meal.  What can be more American?  I feel sorry for those poor saps that have to work at Wal-Mart tomorrow.  Seriously, The American Consumer can’t wait another 12 hours to buy an X-Box at $31 off retail?  You know what happened.  There was some asshole at Wal-Mart corporate that looked at a spreadsheet that said they could make another .6% market share if they made all their underpaid employees leave their families during the holiday and open up.  Meanwhile, those same decision makers will be tucking into a second piece of pumpkin pie comfy at home while those employees are doing a price check on a Barbie Beach House for some pissed off hillbilly.  The executives will hide behind “what is good for the corporation” babble and probably a few of them will be forced to make PR appearances helping out at the store level.  Fuck those guys. 

You should be free for the day and able to get together with all the people that you deem important.  Holiday sales crap can wait until Friday.  While geography and circumstance will not enable me to have a perfect gathering, there is still much to be thankful for this year.  Mostly the opportunity for Ken and I to let loose our annual “Galaxy Of Wagers” on Thanksgiving Football.  In the past we have gambled like degenerates on Thanksgiving games as a way to get from Noon to dinner.  This day is also noteworthy for the only time we make teaser bets.  For the uninitiated, the teaser is a bet in which you gain the advantage of moving the line on multiple bets in exchange for having to win all elements of the bet for it to pay off.  For example, Krusty has already declared he will be taking Houston +7, Washington +13, and the University of Texas +3.  Looks good, right? 

The great thing about the teaser is that it seems impossible that you will lose the bet.  It is inconceivable that the Redskins will lose by more than 13 points.  It can’t happen.  That is the key to the teaser.  It is the biggest sucker bet on the board.  You almost never win teasers.  It is a bet that is constructed for separating stupid people from their money.  When you see guys in Tapout shirts on at a Vegas sports book, they are probably knee deep in NFL teasers.  Tomorrow we will be those stupid people.  I will most likely not be wearing a Tapout shirt though.

I decided earlier today that I want to make this Thanksgiving especially noteworthy.  I want to have complete focus.  I want to white knuckle it.  I want to really swing for the fucking fences.  I’m done with safety nets.  This is why I have decided to bet enough money to pay for a trip to Buenos Aires next month.  If I win, it will be time to stroll around the Barrios all juiced up on Malbec with my friend Sasha in tow as a “fixer” to help minimize international incidents.  Nobody wants to be thrown into a Buenos Aires jail screaming “Soy un americano. ¡Tómeme a mi embassy!”.  (I am an American.  Take me to my Embassy!) 

I don’t think I would do especially well in Argentine prison.  I think there are a lot of burly guys in 1970s mustaches that would do terrible things to me in “the yard”.  I also envision the guards yelling at me in Spanish while I said things like “What?  I don’t understand… Ow!  Ow!  Stop hitting me with that baton!”   Then again, if the Redskins keep it close, I will have mucho pesos to throw around.  I will probably have to buy a white suit with a matching hat to comfortably glide around Buenos Aires as “new money” but I will factor that cost into the wager.  You must look the part in the Paris of South America. 

As of this moment I am considering the following:   

Houston Texans +7
Washington Redskins +13
New England Patriots +3

Three team tease (a sucker bet destined to lose) 

I will also make major plays on Houston -3 early and if still chasing late, the University of Texas -7. 

There will be much to be thankful for tomorrow.

Or not.



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