Thursday, August 21, 2008

Nurse the Hate: Hate the NFL

This is the time of year I like best. Every sports media outlet is trying like crazy to prove that every team is somehow, someway a Potential Super Bowl Contender. The best thing about the NFL is that nobody knows anything. Up is down, night is day, and everybody will rip your heart out every week. Especially when you've got 2 G's on them -3.5.

This is the time of year when every shitbag is trotting out their pre season predictions. There is only one thing to remember...every one of them is wrong. Nobody knows anything. Don't believe me? Here's from about 34 seconds of research on the web from last year's posted predictions from "experts". Try this on for size...

"The Bears are sitting pretty to win their third consecutive NFC North title." -John Clayton ESPN
Bears 2007 record 7-9

"St Louis Rams Scouts Inc. Predicted 2007 Finish 2nd"
St Louis Rams 2007 record 3-13

"Young provided the Tennessee franchise momentum after winning only nine games in the last two years. But because the Titans stole a few wins last year, in part because of Young's individual feats of heroism, some observers feel the surge was a bit of a fluke and think that Tennessee will slip a bit in 2007." - Len Pasquarelli ESPN

Tennessee Titans 2007 record 10-6 and playoff team

What you people need is a completely random rundown of the NFL. I don't think I'm going to be right. In fact, I'll be way the hell off. But the point is, I'm as qualified as any other of these schmoes and this will be entertaining to read. I'll just make a bunch of crap up, and chances are it'll be in the ball park. I bet I go 2-1 on the season with these. Here's a horribly brutal run down...

Cleveland Browns: Why these cock gobbling queers seem to think they are playoff bound is beyond me. Nobody on the panty waisted defense can tackle anybody, and the defensive backfield is as horrible as the legendary 1976 Buffalo Bills led by Tony "The Matador" Greene at free safety. Two prima donna injury prone ballerina receivers lead the offense in Braylon "Look At My Finely Pressed Outfit, and No I'm Not Gay, Why Do You Ask?" Edwards and Kellen "Boy, I Would Have Been Great Except For That Pesky Motorcycle Accident, Can I Have A New Contract Anyway?" Winslow Jr. If this team wins more than 6 games it will be because they don't make a single turnover and opposing teams decide to run the "line plunge" into 465 lb dead weight Sean Rogers all year. Prediction? 6-10

Dallas Cowboys: If HBO ran a bigger puff piece on the Cowboys than the Hard Knocks HBO series, owner Jerry Jones would be ejaculating onto a heaving Eva Longoria's breasts as she wore a ripped Cowboy cheerleader uniform while gasping how sexy Jerry's facelifted skull was. (Was that too harsh?) Every convict in the last 4 years of the NFL is on this team except Chris Henry because as I understand it he was killed in a rain of bullets in a botched impromptu robbery of a Piggly Wiggly on his way driving to the Cowboy Training Camp Facility. How did they not sign that bald guy from solitary in "The Longest Yard"? Salary cap? The last time this team won a playoff game, 11 year olds were jacking off to sexy ankled Melissa Gilbert in "Little House on the Prairie" primetime action. Prediction? They win the Wild Card and flame out in the playoffs as usual. 10-6.

New York Jets: I don't know if you heard, but Bret Favre went to the Jets in a trade. There was limited coverage of this incident, so this may be the first time you have read anything about it. I'll recap it for you. Bret Favre had a "ride into the sunset" season last year after two years of utter failure. This year he went on TV and complained about how the Packers moved ahead with their plans after he quit his job. He didn't train with his normal trainer guys, and signed to a horrible 4-12 based New York football team. Now everyone thinks dreams will come true and he will lead them to the promised land. Here's the way this usually works out in the NFL. Favre will break his spine and have to eat out of a tube that dumps Tang and mushed carrots into his stomach. His crying wife will have to empty a plastic bag filled with his feces in front of a prying Network TV camera on the Jets sidelines by Week 4 while New York fans tell her she "sucks ass". Prediction? 7-9.



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