Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Nurse the Hate: Hate Thanksgiving

Let’s get ready to sit around all day tomorrow and answer awkward questions from our relatives “So when are you two going to have a baby?” or “Why did you ever break up with that wonderful (insert name of psychopath ex-girl/boyfriend here)?” come to mind. Don’t be caught out in the cold. You have to have a Game Plan. Here’s what I suggest…

Drink heavily. Start early and often with Great Lakes Commodore Perry IPA or Erie Brewing Company Railbender. Announce your presence with authority. Switch over to red wine about 5pm, and knock back Nine North Wines “Hullabaloo” zin, Ridge “Lytton Springs” or if you are feeling particularly “randy” go full throttle with Martinelli’s Jackass Hill Zin with the whopping 17% alcohol content.
Gamble very heavily. These games will be atrocious. Tennessee is a very “physical” football team. That means the Lions are going to get “an asswhipping” in the early game. Here’s the rub… The only way to drown out your Aunt Sheila is to have action on that game. And a lot of it. That Dallas v Seattle game is no picnic at 4:00 either. Dallas should stomp on the Seahawks balls, and break out a bunch of embarrassing end zone dances while you try and choke down a hearty helping of Ambrosia that mysteriously appeared on your plate. By the time you start to lose control of your faculties, the Eagles and Cardinals game will be on like electronic wall paper. Take all the favorites for 2 units each, and tease all three favorites with 10 points for a four unit play. You are looking at Tennessee-1/Dallas -2.5/Arizona +13. Now you’re interested!

Quick aside…I was in the grocery store and overheard a clerk say “It’s been crazy today”. Is that, or is that not, the most overused phrase in the workplace? At a grocery store a 25% increase over the normal Tuesday evening customer base is not “crazy”. That is typical holiday volume. “Crazy” is if McCauley Caulkin came into the store on a unicycle blowing a monkey while a horde of angry Turks firebombed cars in the parking lot. Now that’s crazy. Let’s keep this shit straight.


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