Nurse the Hate: Hate The Bluetooth

Who the hell are all these people with the Bluetooth earphones think they are fooling? Are you trying to suggest that you are so important that you need to be in constant communication with the outside world? You can’t possibly miss a phone call? If that is true, why do most people that are rocking the Bluetooth also wear sweatpants at the same time? I don’t ever remember standing behind a dude wearing one of these and him answering his phone to say “Goddammit Stevens! Why didn’t you call me sooner? Good Christ Almighty! Sell 10,000 shares of Calpine Industries and drop it into that hedge fund so we can buy Exxon short! Call me when it’s done!” Usually the ear piece just sits in their head like they are an extra from Battlestar Galactica…

Places you will generally see people with earpieces in their skulls...1) Subway restaurants located inside gas stations 2) the line at the Post Office 3) Wal Mart parking lots. Not exactly the domain of "movers and shakers", no?

I think these guys wearing them think they are looking really important, and therefore more desirable to the opposite sex. Despite the fact they are wearing a sideways baseball cap, have a tattoo of a flaming skull on their neck, and untied basketball shoes, the look will somehow say, “That’s right Baby…I am such a high roller, I can’t risk being out of touch. You want to get close to The Dealmaker? You want to listen to me talk on the phone while you sit shotgun in my 1994 F-10 pickup truck? You like that? Oh yeah..."

The problem with that line of thinking is that I can’t ever recall seeing a man with an ear piece in his head with a woman. Ever. I’m not sure which is the less desirable look: The Ear Piece or The Utility Belt. You know The Utility Belt. It's when men think it's a great idea to clip their phone onto their belt via some cheap looking plastic case like they are some kind of Futuristic Electronic Handyman. The hardcore have multiple devices across their belt line like they are the cellphone John Rambo. Here’s the thing with the Utility Belt Look though… The Utility Belt is the almost exclusive domain of khaki pant white guy. It’s the middle age suburban gang version of baggy jeans and monstrously large white t shirt.

You put a 40 year old white guy into a button down collared shirt, and soft brown “business casual shoes” he almost reflexively reaches for the cell phone holder to clip onto his belt. It must have something to do with that stage of life when men have given up on looking contemporary, and focus almost completely on function. It's the look that says, “Yes, I look like the AV kid from my high school, but I’ve been married for so long I have stopped caring what anyone thinks of my appearance. I am NOT trying to impress anyone." It's the look that says, "Hey, who wants to go to Applebees for lunch? I've got a 50% off coupon for the artichoke dip appetizer. I still know how to party.”

Ultimately, it’s that whole communication thing that’s gotten out of control. Everyone needs to be in touch with everyone RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Really, is there anything that important? I haven't said anything important on the phone in weeks. Months maybe.. Granted, if you were taken hostage by terrorists and thrown into a desert spider hole that just so fortunately happened to have strong signal coverage, you would wish you had that earpiece in. I'll give you that. But let's be realistic. Most people barely leave their homes. The most adventure almost everyone you know encounters is when they win a free lunch from those business card fishbowl contests by the cash register. (And they'll breathlessly tell the story over and over again if you give them even the slightest opportunity. I know a guy that's told me the same story six times about how he won lunch for four from Red Robin. He's so excited when he tells it, it's like he won the goddamn lottery. What's lunch for four at Red Robin? $25? Jesus... Is that even considered food?)

If you are one of these people walking around with this Bluetooth thing on, take it out. While you may think you look cutting edge and technologically savvy, I'd like to point out, you look like an even worse version of the picture above. That important call you might miss? It's one of your loser friends calling to tell you they won a free lunch at Chipotle.