Friday, July 31, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Hate the X Games

The X Games are fucking stupid. No matter how much ESPN tries to pump that thing up as a “real” sporting event, it’s just a never ending parade of faceless slacker dudes doing the same basic tricks over and over and over. Hey, there’s a guy with tattoos doing a spin and jump on a skateboard. Wow. Never saw that before. Awesome. Hey look, there’s a guy doing a flip on a motorcycle. Again. Totally great. The problem is you cannot avoid the hype for this non event.

I had to laugh when I saw on ESPN a report of an “X Games memory” when some ragged looking kid I never heard of did some stupid looking shit on a skateboard. Meanwhile they had a breathless voiceover along the lines of “And who will ever forget in 2007 when Sean Mallory nailed a double slam in the quarters?”. You know who forgot? Everybody. In fact, no one watched it in the first place.

While ESPN tries to pretend that the X Games are the incredibly cool new sports of the future, and popular amongst the mysterious “product innovator” target audience, the bottom line is NO ONE watches this nonsense. Example… In 2008 in Cleveland the X Games did a .8 household rating. That means that not even one percent of the population of Northeast Ohio watched it. To put that into perspective, The Jimmy Fallon Show did a 1.2 rating last night, and that’s on at 1:00 in the morning. (Do you know anyone that has ever watched that? Seriously… Anyone?) Meanwhile, everywhere you look there’s yet another radical X Games promo counting down the time until this amazing contest begins.

Here’s the deal on the X Games. This whole thing is a scam to sell advertising sponsorships to corporate clients like Pepsi Co. Their desperation to appear youthful and relevant is the fear that got that this Bill of Goods sold through in corporate boardrooms. I’ll tell you right now, there was a 36 year old Mom Media Director that approved the horse choking sponsorship expenditure with the thought in her head “I seem to remember seeing those teenage boys at the Hot Topic. I think they like that skateboarding stuff. It’s just like those Mountain Dew ads! Let’s do it! We’ll sell lots of Mountain Dew!”.

Every time I see someone drinking Mountain Dew, it’s a big fat guy coming out of a KFC with a 64 oz Rainmaker Cup climbing into a beat to shit Ford Bronco. That dude isn’t flying over dirt pits on a motocross bike. Nor is he interested in watching that happen more than once at a county fair. He is interested in NFL Football, women’s breasts, fried foods, Kid Rock, and a nice satisfying bowel movement every morning after his Lucky Charms.

Fuck the X Games. When does football start?

Random Notes: I have made the conscious decision to abandon my hometown baseball team. While the Indians flamed out this year and began to deal away their real players (like always), I decided “That’s it. No more. I’ve had it.” The big question then becomes, what team do I jump on board with? First thing I considered was American League vs. National League. I think I would feel conflicted if the Indians played my new favorite team, so I went National League. I then decided I wanted a West Coast team. They start their games at 10 EST, which is very convenient for me. Then, I didn’t want to jump on board a team that has a history of winning like the Dodgers, and be a bandwagon jumper. However, I wanted someone with payroll so they could contend. I wanted someone who, if they did win, would be really excited about it. That’s why I am on board with my new Favorite Team, the San Francisco Giants. Tim Lincecum is bad ass, that fat round guy Sandoval is awesome, Brian Wilson is kind of a tool but OK, and there are lots of semi crappy old guys wandering around the diamond like Randy Winn and Aaron Rowand. An as an added bonus, they just traded for ex-Indian Ryan Garko to make my transition even easier! As a warning to all of you, I have already begun to use pronouns like “we” and “us” in reference to my Giants. For example, “I sure am glad we traded for Garko. He’ll give us that pop in the line up we need vs. lefties.” Let’s go Giants!


At August 2, 2009 at 5:21:00 PM EDT , Blogger Ken Miller said...

I have turned to the St. Louis Cardinals. They are a well-run organization that is at least competitive year in and year out. Strong fanbase. Good looking gear. I'll stick with these guys and check back with The Tribe in 2011.

At August 3, 2009 at 7:38:00 AM EDT , Blogger Taiwan On said...

I laughed so hard that I farted. Thanks for finally posting.

The X Games are laughable. I constantly wonder how a corporation like ESPN can try to pretend that they are not. It's like when your best friend is dating a psycho, but you can't tell him that she is psycho, cuz he is your best friend.

As a Red Sox fan (and not a bandwagon fan, I lived through Margo-gate and Kevin Cocaine Kennedy), I have two words for you: Victor Martinez.

At August 5, 2009 at 11:21:00 AM EDT , Blogger ScottyJ said...

Great post Greg!! You know who loves the X Games? My 7-year-old son. He likes Legos and Speed Racer too.

I still can't believe you and Krusty are dumping the Tribe. At least you went West Coast. Ken had to get in my division!! The Cardinals?!?! Geez, you must like watching 4-hour games, Ken....:)

At August 5, 2009 at 6:52:00 PM EDT , Blogger Ken Miller said...

I haven't abandoned The Tribe completely. I just need a little vacation from disastrous baseball for a while. I'll hang out in the Cardinal camp for a little bit to see what it's like to root for a consistent winner.

After I get recharged from my fan vacation I'll get back to the hard work of rooting for a team that has the second lowest attendance in the game and is slashing payroll. I've got seats for four (4) grim September games, and I still have to pony up the cash for ten (10) games watching the 2010 squad that has given up 9 months in advance.


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