Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Nurse the Hate: Boat Club? Yacht Club!

The good news is that this Boat Club Situation appears to be resolved.  Despite continued silence from those sons of bitches at the Avon Lake Boat Club and complete disregard from the Olde River Yacht Club, I was contacted by true salty dogs and now have found my seafaring home.  While it is true I have never actually been to the club, am unaware of its actual location, and haven't technically been formally accepted, I think you will agree by reading further that this matter has been resolved. 

I now find myself Vice Commodore and Schooner Commander of the Wildwood Yacht Club, a title which I have graciously given myself.  This is obviously an exciting development, and I look forward to expanding my role dramatically in the coming months.  The most important thing will be to bring more like minded people on board to the organization, closely followed by the need to create excellent merchandise.

There is much to do....


Greg Miller, member prospectus, Wildwood Yacht Club 8/28/2012


The information that you received in regard to your application for membership to Wildwood Yacht Club was neither erroneous nor fictional in any way. It takes a real man of the salt to fully grasp and comprehend the gravity of your plight. And I indeed do sir, I indeed do!  A man on a quest to become a member in an organization of such high stature is to be fully respected and commended. I can truly speak of the pitfalls and the stigma of a life of non Yacht Club membership…as a young buck I too ran into the same earthen rampart as yourself. I was forced to sneak around launching my dingy at the PUBLIC RAMP, My God man…have you ever heard of such a thing? The fine people of the club across the harbor would belittle us minions but I knew someday I would gain entrance into their garden of social grace and dignity! And that I did laddy that I did indeed! I have since come to hold almost every office in the organization up to and including Commodore for the year’s ott-6 ott-7 and ott-8. That being said I then finally reached the pinnacle of my seafaring career and decided that my service to this fine organization must be diversified into other endeavors. I currently man the rudder of House Chairman, Trustee, Membership Chairman and Goodwill and Sunshine committee chairman, as well as forever being known as a “Past Commodore”…a title that can be taken to the grave or to the bottom of the sea with tremendous self respect and gravitas.

I say good man, the sea faring home you so desperately desire may finally be at hand! If your credentials are as impeccable as your blood line visa v (Ezekiel J. Miller) I assure you that your application will be a mere formality. It has been suggested by one of our fine collogues that a celebration in commemoration of your Grandfathers ill-fated battle with the great hump back in Sandusky Bay September 23 of 1889 would be in order. We were considering a kayak parade on the anniversary date of sorts with all of the hype and hoopla such an occasion might stir up, complete with an inflatable whale in tow to mock the great beast. We will see to it all of our wenches will be wearing vast amounts of makeup and toiletries made entirely of whale byproducts as to enhance your olfactory perception.

In closing I would like to state emphatically that your alcoholic friends are welcome but their fondness for liquor and unpredictable violence will be under constant surveillance. We have a freshly appointed peace officer that is a former prison guard “as luck would have it” in the Euclid Jail where some of the most hanis criminals to ever walk the earth are warehoused  and is quite capable of handling at least four drunken combatants at a time. So fret not my fine blue-jacketed leghorn the trade winds are a blow’n and your life of salt spray and sea foam are at your fingertips!

The next step is all yours laddy …

P/C Joseph Ferrara W.W.Y.C.


Past Commodore Ferrara,

You can imagine my delight when I opened your email this morning.  Just last Sunday I had to skulk onto the Avon Lake Boat Club grounds and clandestinely launch my kayak under the disdainful eyes of a family of four.  Though I walked about the grounds with the authority of a Man of the Sea, I believe that word of my blackballing from consideration into their little club had probably reached even the women and children of the community.  A man should not have to launch into the waves with a six year old casting him aspersion.  If I see that little son of a bitch out on the waves, one of us may not return to port. 

The kayak parade you mentioned touched my soul.  To imagine a fleet of fellow boaters throwing a wreath out to sea, and then returning to the club to enjoy rum and the pleasures of women would be a fitting tribute to my forefather.  I regret that I did not live in an age when whalers proudly walked up and down Euclid Ave, sharpening their harpoons in the Old Arcade.  What a time that must have been.  Perhaps we collectively can lead the charge to re-stock Lake Erie with humpbacks and gray whales, and return our city to its former glory.  Between you and I, this Medical Mart seems like a fiasco.  Whaling.  That's our past and probably our future.

Let me know how to proceed.  I would like to get an idea of your facilities, and of course begin to demand radical improvements that would probably only benefit myself.  Also, can I enter the club with an immediate title of some kind?


Greg Miller




This talk of Harpoons and maritime comradely has my wheels spinning like water spout on a cold September morn. I may have the perfect solution to both award you the title you so richly deserve with no real responsibilities, but will have you wielding the power within the bowels of that fledgling organization. Picture this my fine seafaring mate...a fine Asian gold leaf and black quilted paisley smoking jacket complete with fleur dailies' and gold rope epilates. Then for a the head dress a revolutionary war naval battle hat that resembles a small roller coaster in blue velvet, knickers and a fake wooden leg fashioned from a piece of red mahogany salvaged from one of the many sunken whaling vessels off the coast of Vermillion. Have I peaked your interest?  I have given this organization seconds and seconds of deep thought and here it is on a silver platter being laid forth for you to peruse.  The organizations name?  Benevolent Lodge Of  Whale Harvester's On Lake Erie Shores... or B.L.O.W. H.O.L.E.S. for short.

Well there you have it. Need I babble on any further? I think not! Any great man of the sea would leap at the opportunity to”spear head” (pardon the pun) such an esteemed formation and your governance in the new organization is being called up to the wheel house! To the depths of Hell with the medical mart...Log live the whaling industry right here on the shores of Lake Erie. The Ghost of Oliver Hazard Perry beckons you to the podium for your fateful acceptance speech.

I bid you a due brother of the deep...




Dr. Joey,

I appreciate your gracious offer.  This is truly a conversation between men that have battled the elements with nothing but a small craft and immeasurable courage.  The whaling blood that runs in my veins sings when I read your words.  However, I feel that instead of beginning a new organization, I will join the Wildwood Yacht Club as a full member with all privileges, and will immediately appoint myself "Vice Commodore and Schooner Commander".  I don't know if there are any schooners currently docked at the club, but if so, please alert them that they have a new commander.   I will spend most of the weekend researching on what a "schooner" actually is, and will probably issue my first command as soon as I can figure out how to use "starboard" and "aft" in a sentence correctly.  I feel it is important that the men respect me from the get-go.

Let the other members know that I will soon be confidently striding about the facility, and will be conducting an overall inspection.  I'm sure things will be buttoned up.  It's good to finally be home.


Greg Miller


At September 5, 2012 at 5:32:00 PM EDT , Blogger vfh159 said...

Well then now, congratulations seem to be in order. When you are confident with fore, aft, starboard & port, how about beginner's lessons for us landlocked souls.

At September 13, 2012 at 9:16:00 AM EDT , Blogger ScottyJ said...

Persistence pays Greg.....congratulations!!!


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