Friday, September 13, 2013

Nurse the Hate: Hate Everclear

I can’t remember the last time I came face to face with “Everclear” grain alcohol.  This is a very healthy statement for a middle aged man to be making.  Generally people that are over the age of 22 that find themselves in possession of a bottle of Everclear are usually on a path of drinking Aqua Velva and passing out in a puddle of their own urine.  I was unsure if in these politically correct times if The Authorities still allowed this evil potion to be manufactured.  I did look it up out of curiosity and discovered that you can buy a bottle at Bev-Mo! for $18 and it’s “great for making homemade cordials”.  The term “homemade cordials” is a code word for “dumping a bunch of Hawaiian Punch into a garbage can and mix it with this if you have the guts motherfucker”.   

I have had a few experiences with this “cordial” in the past and each ended in complete disaster.  On one occasion I hosted a party with several friends where we had allowed a giant bowl of fruit to soak in Everclear, and then poured the fruit/juice/liquor into a plastic tub with punch.  We had greatly underestimated the strength of the Everclear, but not nearly as much as many of our female party guests.  I had left the party very early to escort a few ladies over to our lair, and in the hour it took me to make the trip the party had denigrated into the End of Days.  Scantily clad women were passed out everywhere, while others crawled on the ground barfing with great vigor.  There were no longer any rules, and anything was possible.  Law enforcement officers had arrived at the scene to discuss what one would later allegedly refer to as “one of the worst things I’ve ever seen”.  I assessed that these security personnel would probably want to discuss this apocalypse with me in great detail, and I slunk off quietly to leave the explaining to others.

One would have thought this would have scared me off from this “cordial”, but if thrown from the horse, one must get back on.  Feeling as if a lesson had been learned, the “cordial” was stepped back in strength at a get together after forgetting the sheer horror of the earlier experiment.  This also proved to be a mistake.  The Everclear, while perhaps less prominent in this version of the “cordial”, still packed an awe inspiring wallop at 151 proof.  The problem becomes when you realize you have had too much, it is too late.  You are already too far in, and have little chance of escape.  You are committed for “the full ride” and you had best buckle in.  It is like liquid LSD.  There is no margin for error. 

On this particular evening I somehow lured a young lady back to my grungy home and got to work with romantic intentions.  Oh, I should be clear in that by “romantic intentions”, I mean “jam my tongue down her throat” and “dry humping her until maybe she took her pants off”.  After what was probably a very brief period of time, she realized she wanted no part of that scene and fled like if she had discovered mysterious scabs on my penis or a green fluid leaking from my anus.  She left with authority.  Imagine if the room had been on fire and she had been wearing a gasoline soaked Kleenex suit.  That is the total focus and desire she had to get out of the room.  I passed out almost immediately, and woke in the middle of the night to barf like a seasick sailor.  It is very unsettling to throw up fruit punch as the red vomit looks like blood to your stunned brain.  “Brain to Greg.  You are throwing up blood.  This is really bad.  Really bad.  Oh wait.. wait… It’s only the Everclear coming out.  Resume barfing.”

I didn’t see this woman for a long time.  It would have been a tall order to repair the relationship to what it had been prior to the evening’s unfortunate turn of events.  I understand this.  I later ran into her at an Indigo Girls concert I was working.  She had a suspiciously short haircut, very comfortable shoes, and a “friend” named Sue that looked like a hell of a field hockey player if you get my drift…  There was no way to sugarcoat it.  I believe her experience with me was so horrific that it changed her sexuality.  That is the power of the Everclear.

As you head into this weekend, many of you might be ready to enjoy a happy hour cocktail.  Today might be a great day to throw caution to the wind and change it up a little bit.  Forget the same old thing.  No Bud Light for you today.  No, today it might be time to try something a little more exotic.  Today, order yourself an Everclear.  Have yourself a “cordial”.   


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