Friday, October 14, 2016

Nurse the Hate: At The NFL Crossroads

I am prepared to make a deal with The Devil.  I stand now at the crossroads.  The soft hazy colors of dusk smear across the late afternoon autumn sky.  Without question I stand needing to go to the path on the right or left.  The Devil sits on his stump and asks me if I want to make a deal.  There is a great pile of money I can have if I make the right choice.  If I make that right choice I can do something very crazy that will theoretically make me happy.  I need the money to do it.  Without risk there is no reward.  Get busy living or get busy dying.  What’s it gonna be boy?  There is one catch.  I will have to follow his advice and bet on the Tennessee Titans.  Gulp.

I feel very confident that the Browns will lose to the Titans this week.  Last week the Browns managed to get two (2) different QBs seriously injured.  There are platoons that landed on Omaha Beach that took fewer casualties than the Browns QB room.  This week they plan on starting whichever guy they have under contract that has at least a cursory knowledge of the playbook and is still standing.  It is not exactly a harbinger of future success.  The plan as of today is to run Cody Kessler out there despite Kessler “hearing a funny crunching noise that freaked me out a little” in his chest last week.  Side note to Kessler.  Don’t say those types of honest things in future interviews.  The Browns claimed to have iced him down all week and have him ready to go.  Yeah, that ice does magic.  Good luck kid.

My fear is that the Titans do not exude professional excellence.  They also have to cover seven points.  The Titans are a team that rarely wins, and when they do it’s generally by a late kick barely getting over the crossbar.  At no point has a Titan fan in the last five years said confidently “Oh, they’ll win this game easily.  Chalk this one up.”  The Titans are a sad little team that is slowly getting to within sight of respectable.  The Browns are terrible.  I never bet on terrible teams and I also never bet on terrible teams on the road.  Let’s go Titans.  Tennessee -7.

The Public is very excited about the Raiders.  The NFL is better when the Raiders are good.  Who doesn’t like seeing grown men dressed like skeletons and pirates drunk and acting like assholes for a TV camera?  I know I sure do!  This week the Chiefs come into Oakland after getting their ass kicked a couple weeks ago on national TV by Pittsburgh.  This sets up a scenario that I absolutely love as a degenerate gambler.  1.  The Public has a one week old memory.  Whatever happened last week will continue to happen now until forever.  This means the Chiefs will HAVE TO lose to Oakland.  2.  The Chiefs are coming off a bye week which means they got their asses ripped by everyone at work, at home, and in the street about how badly they got embarrassed.  This river of shit flows down to the coaches where Andy Reid is 15-2 after a bye week.  That dude can coach.  He also gets Charles back healthy (allegedly) in the backfield.  I love Kansas City +2.

I really feel like the Jets plus the points is a winner.  Arizona has been playing so poorly and injuries are really mounting there.  However, there is no way I am going to throw my entire life into a tailspin by getting the negative karma of the New York Jets involved in my world.  The Jets are like that necklace I wore last year that got me sick and almost made my foot fall off with the secondary infection.  You just don’t mess with the dark arts and you don’t mess around with the New York Jets.  I need good things to happen for me, and you don’t get that with the New York Jets.  Even typing the team name out has brought unknown danger into my life.  For those of you really feeling like living on the edge, Jets +7.5.  Please note this is not an “official” selection and should only be used by those that feel high altitude skydiving or ice snowmobile racing is not risky enough.  I will only get involved in this if I am "chasing" and I pray to God that doesn't happen. 

Season Record:  9-4


At October 14, 2016 at 9:44:00 PM EDT , Blogger Bobdontgiveaf#ck said...

Nevada approved the tax bill today to build the new NFL stadium in Vegas (in spite of vehement opposition from many of the good citizens who will be footing the estimated $750,000,000 price tag). Las Vegas Raiders. Sure, Nevada's education system is a complete disaster but that new Raider gear is gonna be awesome.


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