Friday, October 7, 2016

Nurse the Hate: NFL Locks?

I cannot explain my decision to place my hard earned dollars on the New York Jets last weekend.  I knew full well they would let me down as they always do.  There is something about the Jets/Mets axis that always leads to financial distress.  Do you think it was coincidence that the Mets ownership was almost completely undone by Bernie Madoff?  Hell, even in the 1970s the motto amongst the Queens gambling community was “Bet on Koose and you lose” in regards to journeyman pitcher Jerry Koosman.  It’s been an almost half century of heartbreak with those teams.  How has that lesson not been learned?

What is it about the human condition that leads to the inability to avoid certain disaster like gambling on the Jets?  Laying money down on the Jets is really no different than buying low lying riverside property, driving home after a whiskey bender, or falling for an erratic woman.  It is the desire to touch that hot stove to see how hot it really is that must drive us.  There is absolutely no difference between leaping off a mountain in a wing suit and dropping large sums of money on the Jets.  Both of these actions will guarantee a horrible end.  Maybe death can be cheated once or twice, but the temporary dodging of disaster is only illusion.  The Reaper will come.  I blame no one but myself for that Jets debacle. 

I have no doubt in my mind that the New England Patriots are going to beat the Cleveland Browns this Sunday. Brady is back this week.  The Patriots were shutout last week against Buffalo.  The Pats are 40-6 after a loss.  They are 15-3 on the road after a loss.  It is almost completely inconceivable that the Patriots don’t win.  But will they cover???  The Browns are the Browns, suck, and will ever thus.  So it was written by The Lord on the third tablet which was dropped accidentally by Moses.  They were quite heavy.  Who can blame him?  Yet 11 points to a home team is a real dog choker of a number.  The Browns have shown the ability to just sort of hang around with teams.  That’s not what we are looking for here.

I would like to say though I think the way to go on the line is to take the Browns and the points, I just can’t do it.  I do not want to be sitting in a bar with a bunch of sad sack Browns fans cheering for a pointless cause.  I don’t want to be left hoping for a miracle back door cover on a meaningless Gary Barnidge touchdown late.  I don’t want to be a guy in a brown shirt saying things like “fucking Browns!” and “Somebody cover that guy!!!” as other losers like me slam their hands on the bar in anger.  This can only lead me to heavy Sunday drinking and an early evening filled with regrets.  I need to steer clear of that.

This leads me to tying the Patriots into a money line parlay.  I am going to do two of them.  I am going to get on Tennessee +3.5 over Miami.  For some reason I have seen Miami play three times this season.  I was trying to come up with an intelligent sounding way to say the Dolphins “fucking suck”, but nothing I jotted down was quite a succinct as that.  The Dolphins don’t appear that interested in winning games, which is a good thing because they lack plenty of talent at key positions.  Miami is 13-43 against the spread as a home favorite.  That’s because they “fucking suck”.  That should be an ugly close game decided by a field goal.  I won’t watch it.  Let me know what happens.  Tennessee +3.5/Pats Money line

I think I have bought in on the Eagles.  I think it is because of too much exposure to ESPN.  If you watch enough ESPN you have been told that Carson Wentz is better than Peyton Manning and Bret Favre combined after a mere three games.  It doesn’t even seem odd if you watch enough hype TV.  However the key to taking Philadelphia over Detroit is the “Detroit factor”.  If not for the Browns, America would be more concerned about the Lions and their continued failures.  Sometimes late at night when I worry about living in the pre-apocalypse Donald Trump landscape I try to focus on what I need to do before I’m riddled with nuclear fallout cancers and have resorted to cannibalism.  These things are 1. Dive with bull sharks, 2. Spend a night in an igloo, 3.  Bet against the Lions. 

The Lions seem really bad.  On top of that they have some sort of dark cloud floating over them.  Is it industrial waste?  The cremated remains of unpaid Motown session players?  Canadian chemtrails?  The souls of departed Lions fans?  I don’t know for sure, but the Lions lose in Brownsy ways all the time.  It has to be a drag to walk out of that Ford stadium after yet another soul crushing loss and then hoof it through the urban devastation of downtown Detroit.  It’s going to be especially tough this week after losing to the Eagles.  Pats/Eagles moneyline

Season Record:  8-3     


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