Sunday, October 2, 2016

Nurse the Hate: Hate London Again

I am absolutely dominating with my full Monty English fry up breakfast while watching the essentially horrible Colts v Jaguars game in London.  I’ve got the baked beans, fried tomato and even tea going for God’s sake.  Everything was going just perfectly.  Wait, should I have used “brilliant” there?  I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter.  The next thing I know the CBS broadcast uses a voiceover announcer with a really dodgy British accent.  It sounded like that asshole that does the Outback Steakhouse commercials, which is of course faux Australian instead of faux British.  I half expected him to say “crikey” or “shrimp on the barbie” and induce a complete meltdown in me.  It sounds like when I attempt an English accent and wind up sounding like Hugh Grant on walkabout looking for fucking kangaroos.  What does a guy need to do to get a little authenticity around here?

Why does the NFL feel the need to shove the sport down England’s throat?  No one here cares about these teams, so why would London?  My gut tells me that there might be a few other things to do in London on a Sunday as opposed to watch the Colts fail to execute offensively against a shitty Jaguar defense under headache inducing overcast skies.  That half full stadium must be almost all American expats hoping for just a whiff of good old fashioned American sports violence.  Maybe there are a few curious Brits that wandered in by mistake thinking a football game was a football match, a soccer game not football, or futbol not football.  I hope there are plenty of obese raging drunk American guys that are on the verge of punching them in the head for no particular reason so they get the true “American football fan experience”.   Until someone tells you to “sit the fuck down you fucking fuck pussy asshole” at a stadium, you haven’t really experienced what going to an NFL game is really all about.

I will tell you this.  I would be pissed off if I woke up and in my community saw the Spice Girls on a doubledecker bus driving on the wrong side of the road excitedly tossing fish & chips and waving those stupid soccer scarves around.  Isn’t that what happens in London?  As far as I know, with this Brexit thing, we as Americans are at risk for this type of incident.  I admit I didn’t really pay that much attention to Brexit.  I think it had something to do with exporting bad Europop music and Benny Hill DVDs.  What’s that Sporty Spice up to these days anyway?  I don’t know and it concerns me.  Let’s get these two shitty NFL teams home and draft up an agreement to avoid this type of cultural incursion coming over here. We are just asking for payback sending this awful game over there.  I don’t want to wake up and have Noel Gallagher smoking cigarettes and talking shit in my living room.


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