Friday, October 21, 2016

Nurse the Hate: Still Hate London NFL Games

The goddamn Browns backdoor covered their way to crushing my dreams last week.  I had quite a scheme worked out for an insanely expensive last minute series of flights to Jerez de la Frontera Espana involving a complicated series of travel options.  If the Browns had only kept their end of the bargain I would have done the following:  Gone by uber to the airport to fly to New York where I would have taken a ferry to Newark to grab a taxi to take the escalator to the shuttle bus to take another plane to Madrid where I would have taken another plane to Jerez to get a push trolley to get to a donkey to eventually take me to a lavishly appointed room in Olde Jerez.  From this point I would have collapsed in exhaustion and then later got all drunk up on sherry while stumbling around talking shit and eating jamon.  This was not to be.  Because of the Browns.  Sonofabitch.

This leaves me having a slow smoldering anger at the Browns.  The team is terrible, but not reliably “get their dicks pounded in the dirt” terrible.  They are more like “they’ll lose in the end like always” terrible.  This creates that uncomfortable scenario where you know they will lose, but by how much?  Will their opponent cover?  This week the Bengals are hosting the Browns giving 9.5 points.  Let’s be honest.  The Bengals have looked rather lackluster.  9.5 is a shit ton of points for the Bengals to cover.  They do really need a win this week.  I think the Browns are ready to give that to them.  I think the Browns are really ready to get blown out for once.  Terrelle Pryor is hurt and might not go.  That leaves the Browns with zero (0) reliable offensive weapons and a patchwork O-line.  Joe Haden, who might not actually play football any more but just get a check from the team, will be smiling on the sideline in wind pants.  That leaves “some guy” to cover AJ Green.  That’s not good.  I’m going to go to this well again.  Cincinnati -9.5

There’s another one of those damn London games this week.  Normally I would be all excited for early morning football as I eat my rashers and eggs portion of my Full Monty Fry Up.  (See what I did there?)  However the NFL has once again provided the sad sack Brits with another dud matchup by tossing the Rams in there.  This must be further payback for Brexit.  The Rams are America’s most boring team.  I can’t imagine English Roger and his mates will be excited to pound room temperature beers, run down to The Tube, buy a souvenier LA Rams soccer scarf, drunkenly call passing women “birds”, lament about not being able to see The Beatles at The Cavern Club, get some curry takeaway, watch the changing of the guard, use the words “bloody” and “brilliant”, get punchd in the face by strangers, and then watch Case Keenum and the Rams in the inevitable English rain.  Who would do this?  Roger’s no fool.  Maybe he will stay home with his mum.  (“I’m staying home with me mum”, says Roger.)  Maybe if those damn English fools didn’t leave the EU the NFL would send the Patriots or Cowboys.  Sorry lads.  Keep a chin up!  Here’s the Rams instead.  If I wake up early enough I will bet on the Giants.  If I don’t, I probably won’t even notice I missed the game.  It will be good to wait until Sunday morning to see if any Giants get arrested Saturday night.  Buyer beware.  Giants-3.

I am going to bet on the San Diego Chargers +6.5.  I watch the Chargers as often as I can.  I often look in the stands and think “I could see myself there wearing a light blue shirt really chilled out”.  I would like to yell out “Show me your thunderbolt!” at fellow fans.  Then we'd laugh and have a Tecate.  The Chargers find exciting ways to lose each week.  They are right there week after week, but still lose.  Charger fans shrug it off and go to the beach whereas if that happened here it would result in 50% more domestic violence arrests.  It’s hard to get upset at the Chargers when surf is up.  I see it like this.  Atlanta will shut down the Chargers almost non-existent running game, so both Rivers and Ryan will throw about 60 passes each.  This will be a game where they go back and forth.  I will take the Chargers with the points and count on them losing by three.  Then they will fly back to San Diego pretty relaxed while I count my Jerez money.

Current Record:  10-5         


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