Nurse the Hate: Wine Gifts and NFL Week 14

 

This time of year I get besieged by friends sending me desperate text messages.  "I'm at a wine store and need to get something good for a gift.  What should I get?".  This is a completely reasonable plea for help.  The only thing more complicated than picking out a bottle of wine for consumers is to get health insurance.  They both sort of have that same vibe of "I'm getting ripped off because I don't understand what these assholes are telling me".  Once again, totally justified thinking.  There are something like 30,000 different wine labels in the United States alone.  I am in the Master of Wine program, a suggestion that I am at the top of the heap of understanding and expertise in all things wine, and I will sometimes pick up a bottle from the shelf and think "What the fuck is this?".  How does a normal person not obsessive about wine have a chance?  Allow me to lay out a simple formula for buying wine as a gift.

First of all, what does the person receiving the bottle consider to be "good"?  If the recipient normally drinks $10-$12 grocery store chardonnay, a $25 chardonnay is a great gift.  If the person brags about how they love Caymus and Belle Glos wines, a similar priced wine from a different producer in the same region is great.  In my opinion, a "good" wine is one that matches or surpasses the level of wine the person normally drinks.  If the person loves McDonald's, get them some Applebee's.  If they usually eat Applebee's, get them some Outback.

So there you are looking at the 3417 bottles of wine on the shelf.  What do you reach for when you can't get in touch with me?  Normally I would say, "ask the clerk at the store", but if you aren't at a wine specialty shop or upscale grocery store, the person stocking wine might know as much about wine as they do repairing a Wankel Rotary Engine.  They will make comments like "ummm, this one is very popular".  You know what else is popular?  Commercial country music, Machine Gun Kelly, Real Housewives TV shows, and Burger King, and they are all shit.  You need to walk into that store with a strategy.

If the person only drinks white wine:  If they ONLY drink chardonnay, chances are that means they only drink domestic chardonnay.  If that's the case, look for something that was made on the Santa Barbara coast.  It will be less expensive than the Napa/Sonoma options, so you can get more for your money.  If you feel like the person has a shred of adventurous spirit to them, look for a German or Alsace riesling for more than $20.  Anyone who doesn't like riesling says that because they have only had cheap shitty riesling.  It would be like saying "I hate Chinese Food" because the only time you ever tried it was from Panda Express.  The market for these rieslings is small, so the producers can't drive price.  Trimbach and  Hugel are well distributed wines from Alsace.  Donnoff and Loosen are widely available German rieslings.  The labels can be confusing as shit, so look for the word "Kabinett" or "Trocken" if you want to avoid sweeter styles.  But between you and me, EVERYONE likes sweet.  People just think they seem more sophisticated when they say they only like dry wines.

If the person only drinks pinot noir:  That "Sideways" movie led to a great deal of interest in pinot noir, which means this finicky ass grape gets planted in places it shouldn't to meet demand.  So if your gift recipient only drinks cheap pinot noir, you can blow their minds by spending $65+ on a Sonoma Coast or Willamette Valley pinot noir.  If you want to get out of it on the cheap, look for pinot noir from New Zealand at about $18-25.  These wines are reliably better than same priced wines from the United States.  You can push the envelope a bit and look for Beaujolais, but this is important, look for something on the label that says "Moulin A Vent", "Morgon", or "Fluerie".  Beaujolais Villages or Nouveau is basically made to pound back in cafes.  The way European labeling works is that, in theory, the more specific the place where the wine came from, the better the quality of the wine.  For example, wine from the village of "Morgon" is better than "Beaujolais Villages" blend which is better than a regional blend of "Beaujolais".   A really good quality Morgon will be $30, is comparable to pinot noir, and is a more interesting gift.

If the person only drinks cabernet:  We all know dudes that live for their super expensive Napa cabs.  I get it.  I was that guy.  "I'm a word hard/play hard guy with a big fucking watch and I only drink Napa Fucking Cab!"  Everyone's boss at a white collar job drinks those.  However, those wines are so fucking expensive, it is hard to justify spending $50-$200 on a tannic full bodied red wine.  I present to you a way to provide a great gift to the Napa Cabernet lover that won't cost you an arm and a leg.  The word you want to remember is "Rioja".  In every wine shop us a little section for Spanish wines.  Look for a wine that says "Rioja Reserva" or "Rioja Gran Reserva".   The wines are great quality, similar taste profile, and they'll cost you $20-$40.  

The holiday season is a never ending hemmorage of cash.  What used to be a season of joy and warm feelings has now descended into a never ending series of transactions.  Ho Ho Ho.  It's nice to smoothly transition into "curmudgeon" at an earlier age than expected.  Regardless, I could use some extra cash, which is why I am so excited to gamble wildly on Saturday afternoon.  For many people the best part of the season is to see the joy on a young child's face as they take in the wonder of the holiday.  For me, it's gambling on a Saturday afternoon triple header of NFL games while I desperately make online purchases to check off my gift list.

The Colts are awful.  After the Josh McDaniels aided Raiders loss the the Colts, Indianapolis has gotten back to their game plan of tanking for next season.  Matt Ryan looks like Johnny Unitas when he was a Charger or Joe Namath as a Ram.  That team is playing for their next contract.  Even the assistant coaches must be packing up their offices.  Now, we expect them to roll into Minneapolis to beat a pretty good Vikings team at home?  The Vikings aren't as good as their record, but they are a lot better than the Colts.  Minnesota -3.5

This is the time of year to make uncomfortable bets.  That's right, I'm on the Bears.  It is hard to come up with an Xs and Os reason why the Eagles don't stomp the Bears.  It's the best team in the NFC versus a shitty Bears team playing out the string.  Here's the thing...  I have a hard time seeing the Eagles bringing their A-game this Sunday.  They just killed the Giants and have Dallas on deck.  It's a great spot for a let down.  The Bears haven't been great, but getting 8.5 at home seems absurd.  I don't like to bet on backdoor covers, but doesn't this seem like a game where the Eagles go up by 13 and the Bears just sort of hang around and score a meaningless touchdown at the end to cover?  Chicago +8.5 

Two weeks ago Washington and the Giants tied 20-20 in NJ.  The Giants then got killed by Philadelphia last week, and now are preparing again for Washington.  Meanwhile Washington left that tie game to go into their bye week preparing for the Giants re-match.  So for three weeks Washington has been doing nothing else but scheming on how to beat the Giants.  That's it.  The Giants have reverted back to being the crappy team we all expected.  They can't run the ball like they did earlier this year, which means more falls on Daniel Jones, which is not a good situation to be in.  Washington money line.        

Season record:  23-16-1