Thursday, December 10, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Hate Tiger

The Tiger Woods situation is hard to grasp. For years the public has been told Tiger Woods=control, discipline, and perfection. Now as the veneer has slipped away forever, people can't believe it. Women ask, "How could Tiger sleep with all those women with that beautiful wife at home?". Answer: Because he could. He didn't sleep with those girls instead of his wife. He probably slept with them in addition to his wife. While most men would not admit to this kind of behavior, if afforded the opportunity that Tiger Woods has, almost every deadbeat friend of mine would have done the exact same thing. Yeah, I know, it sucks, but that's the way it is...

While the public struggles with the basics of the story, I've moved on to the most compelling part of the whole thing. Woods allegedly slept a woman named Mindy Lawton that worked at a Perkins. Now let's get past the fact that you would assume Tiger would be hooking up with better looking women than Ms. Lawton. The big question no one can seem to answer is this: How the fuck did Tiger Woods meet a woman that worked at Perkins? Are you trying to tell me that he pulled off the interstate and woofed down some pancakes with a whipped cream smiley face and said to himself, "Oh yes, indeed she is the one. At last... My opportunity to make love to a Perkins waitress". Is Tiger Woods really eating at Perkins? Are waitresses at Perkins getting into the A list parties that Tiger Woods must be attending? How in the hell did they even meet each other? Can someone please explain this to me?

If I knew anyone that said to me, "I just met this really hot chick that was working at Perkins." I'd pull them aside for a strong talking to. They would have obviously taken a blow to the head. In the few times I have pulled off the highway and went to Perkins, I remember a restaurant filled with the deformed masses of your typical Southern Indiana Wal Mart. To think of one of the most famous men on the planet is not only eating at Perkins, but hitting on waitresses... It makes your head almost explode. What's next? George Clooney banging some Home Depot check out girl? Peyton Manning hooking up with an overweight single Mom that works at a 7-11? The world is slightly off axis.

There's two ways for Tiger to go in this situation. 1) What he's going to do. 2) What he should do.

What he's going to do is this: He'll be advised to take a leave from golf to do some "soul searching". Rededicate himself as a husband and father. Declare himself a "sex addict". Seek counseling. Remove himself from the public eye. Reappear with the wife and kids at a charity event where he spends a kazillion dollars donating to something no one can criticize... something like "Humanitarian Fund For Amputee Children's Cancer Relief In Flood Ravaged New Orleans". Go on Oprah or a Barbara Walters special and cry as an act of contrition. Win some golf tournaments. Pretend nothing ever happened a la Kobe Bryant.

What he should do: This is a dangerous idea. But I remind you, these are dangerous times. What if Tiger totally sanded down the image and emerged as the guy he really is in an "in your face" way. He could be re-established as the Bad Boy of Golf. A rugged man's man that does whatever he wants, because "Dammit, I've earned it!". Picture this... Tiger holds a press conference and walks out to the crowded dais in that red golf shirt he wears on Sundays. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have had a number of transgressions that have recently been made public. I regret the pain and suffering this has caused my family. However, I would also like to remind everyone that I have a billion dollars and will win another $50 million this year by playing golf. I am going to do whatever I want whenever I want. I'm Tiger Woods! A sound system would then crank up with Salt N Pepa's "Push It" at top volume while Tiger stood next to the podium doing The Robot while reporters scream out unanswered questions.

Now that's a moment. You want to talk about adding interest to the PGA Tour? Heck, I'm even watching now.

Quick Note: I like Cincinnati +6.5 tomorrow. The Bengals have allowed the least points in the NFL, so they should be able to stick close in this one, and maybe even win. MInnesota is the real deal, but 6.5 is too many to a team with a good defense and a good clock eating ground game... Every talking head is saying the Cowboys will win tomorrow at home vs San Diego. Uh-oh. If that line moves to San Diego +4, SHOW ME YOUR THUNDERBOLT!... I love Juan Diaz tonight over Paul Malignaggi. Diaz won a decision in his hometown Houston in their first matchup that was closer than expected due to a cut over Diaz's eye (by headbutt if I'm not mistaken). However, I don't think Pauly can hurt the Baby Bull. He's too light a puncher. Diaz by decision.


At December 14, 2009 at 9:44:00 AM EST , Anonymous Anonymous said...

So here is my "out of left field" take on Tiger - he wants out: out of golf, out of the marriage, out of the sponsorships, out of the public life he has been in since pops had him on Carson when he was 3. But how to get out? Bang the Perkins waitress. He could not just hang up his clubs and walk away - he'd be hounded for years. He could not just up and file for divorce. But what he could do is start pounding away at anything that moves, suffer through a short orgy of media overload, and then just walk away. Sure the wife gets half - but who the heck can't live out the rest of their life on half a billion$$? Tiger will fade away into an early retirement of fast cars, faster women, and a daily disposable income equal to that of half the state of Ohio. Well maybe not...but at least its a different tack:)


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