Thursday, November 12, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Hate This Guy

There are many people to fear. The crackhead talking to himself walking straight towards you with his electric eyes staring at your watch. The drunk ex-football player that keeps asking everyone around him "what did you say to me?'. The overly enthusiastic woman walking four dogs she talks to in baby voices. The guy I saw last weekend that could best be described as West Virginia Anthony Kiedis Werewolf. However, is anything more terrifying than "wacky bumper sticker" person?

I become very cautious when I see a car plastered with stickers saying things like "My Child is an Honor Student at Starfleet Academy", "Caution! I Drive Like You Do!", and "My Other Car Is A Broom". This car is almost always a sub compact in poor condition. The driver is almost always wearing glasses and looks like they escaped from Comic-Con. There is never just one wacky sticker, but usually the whole back end of the car is plastered. They drive around all day in the left lane being passively aggressively witty and smug. It's like those dorks from marching band that created their own peer group after they were ostracized from general population at high school. While they may have been "out of control" in their herd of shut ins, the rest of society knew something just wasn't quite right with these folks.

The worst thing you can do is comment on any of these stickers. This is the sweet heroin they desire. The attention that has been so elusive for so very long. Notice me. I am special. It is I that posted this anti establishment sign at my cubicle in the human resource department saying "You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Work Here, But It Helps!". Or perhaps the piece de resistance of the photo of the kitten hanging on the tree limb by its paws with the text "Just Hang In There Baby!".

I don't think I would mind if these people didn't have that misdirected sense of intellectual superiority. (Leave that to me you little dingo fucks.) When I see some balding guy with black ironic nerd glasses in his 96 Dodge Neon with his "Please Stop Staring At My Car's Butt"sticker, I want to force him off the road and throw him in the Black Lips tour van for a couple weeks. I think that's how pirates used to get crew members in their day. "Oh yeah! You think you're crazy? How about two weeks of no sleep, 55 gallons of booze, 27 random pills, and random outbursts of violence? That'll fix ya, you little shit squirrel."

I guess that's part of the problem of allowing these wacky stickers. You just can't throw people in pirate ships anymore (or their modern equivalent).

News You Can Use: I would highly suggest getting a 2004 Morey-Saint-Denis 1er Cru Les Ruchots. It is relatively inexpensive confirmation (again) of why Burgundy is clearly the best place on the planet to grow pinot noir. Most American pinots are syrupy high alcohol berry candy drinks or bland lifeless juice. Why fuck around? Get Burgundy if you are going to drink pinot. It's going to cost more, but it's well worth it... If you want to get sick to your stomach, read the self congratulatory article in Rolling Stone about the sham of a concert they did at the Garden for the Hall of Fame anniversary. A bunch of flabby artists well beyond even the scent of their prime slapped each other on their asses and told each other how great they are while most of them haven't even attempted anything interesting in decades. Meanwhile they all did the show in NY instead of Cleveland since God knows they wouldn't want to stray too far from their comfy NY condos and teams of public relations reps. It was all the usual cast of characters like David Crosby,Billy Joel, Paul Simon, James Taylor, the E Street Band, and the biggest drama queen of all, Bono. That whole thing was a publicity grab for Rolling Stone Magazine and the participating artists in an attempt to try and make them seem vital once again. In most cases, these artists hadn't done anything of note in 25 years. I thought punk rock got rid of their bloated corpses years ago. Well, guess not...


At November 13, 2009 at 12:32:00 PM EST , Blogger Evil Twin's Wife said...

The only thing worse than beat up jalopies with pathetic bumper stickers is the beat up jalopy with the stuffed animal display in the rear window, AKA "The Loser Zoo".


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