Nurse the Hate: Hate The Kraken

When I think of great cinematic achievements, like you, I immediately think of the classic 1981 film “Clash of the Titans”. Taking all the great ideas from claymation Sinbad movies, and adding Harry Hamlin running around in a toga and small sword, this film has it all. Laurence Olivier is in it for God’s sake! Plus, who doesn’t love the tale of Perseus? Sure, there was a re-make done last year just like Hollywood remakes all the “classic films” from days gone by like The Nutty Professor, The Stepford Wives, and Planet of the Apes. But it just wasn’t as good as the 1981 one, was it? Hollywood does tend to play it safe. It makes sense though. If you are going to spend millions, tell a story you know people will like. Just like such time worn tales as “The Nutty Professor” or “Freaky Friday”, “Clash of the Titans” has also been handed down generation to generation from the ancient Greeks. However, there is one glaring issue I have with “Clash of the Titans”…

Let’s talk about The Kraken for a minute. The Kraken is, of course, the fearsome sea monster that is either a badass Godzilla or an enormous ass kicker of a Giant Squid depending on who is telling the story. Either way, this can’t be an easy creature to keep contained and later released to beat the crap out of your foes. Let’s just keep the willing suspension of disbelief going for a moment and assume a bunch of guys in togas and spears somehow got this Scary Monster into some sort of holding pen. What the hell do they feed him? That whole seaside village would have to be going 24/7/365 coming up with fish and goats for him to eat. Wouldn’t they eventually get pissed? “Hey, Torkis… How come every time we capture a goat from the mountains we gotta throw it into the Kraken pen? I gotta tell you, I wouldn’t mind a little goat now and then, you know? Look, I know the Kraken destroyed that marauding Navy a couple years ago, but since then what has he done? Nothing, that’s what… Meanwhile you and I are scampering around these hills like a couple of monkeys capturing goats for that lazy fucker. Maybe we outta just release The Kraken and take our chances.”

I see problems there… People complain. Folks want a little goat or a fish filet on the weekend with their ouzo. Maybe you have a mayor ruling town with an iron fist and a browbeaten populace is working like slaves producing food. OK, if that’s the case then The Kraken gets fed. So tell me this… How do you get The Kraken back into his pen so you can “Release the Kraken!” again? It had to be a bitch to get that thing in a pen in the first place. Now he’s all wound up flailing around and you are going to get the same bunch of goat gatherers to somehow cajole him back into his holding pen? I’m telling you, I just don’t buy it. Sometimes I think that “Clash of the Titans” story is all bullshit and not an accurate historical recreation ….

Nurse the Hate: Hate the Browns This Week

There will be about 75,000 people in Pittsburgh tomorrow that will waste most of their afternoon watching the Steelers pound the Browns pricks into the dirt. At $55 a ticket, plus parking, this seems like a rather foolhardy investment. Some will be excited to see the Steelers in this big "rivalry game". This "rivalry" concept is nothing but media filling airspace prior to a game. The Browns V Steelers is as much of a rivalry as Vanderbilt v Alabama. They do play every year, it's just that the outcome is pre-destined in one direction. There has not been a meaningful game in this series since the Browns stumbled into their lone playoff appearance since their "triumphant" 1999 return, when they somehow managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory even after posting something like 8,567 yards of total offense that day. I think you have to go back to 1993 for one that meant something before that. It's just brutal.

Yet the NFL has long been an "any given Sunday" situation. Anything can happen! Well, allegedly anything can happen... It is true that totally unexplainable things do happen on Sundays like Alex Smith starting at quarterback, people attending Lions games, and Wade Phillips being employed as a head coach. Yet, I can assure you that this Sunday that the Pittsburgh Steelers will win and cover over the Hapless Cleveland Browns. Why do I know this? It's from years of decoding coach-speak, and one fortuitous moment at a Westlake Starbucks. Let me explain...

Last week when Browns QB Seneca Wallace went down with The Dreaded High Ankle Sprain, the Browns brain trust felt they had a better chance of winning by putting Jake Delomme out there despite his foot being clearly attached to his body by a shred of tendon no thicker than a piano wire. Win with rookie Colt McCoy? Eh, maybe not this week. In the press conference, you heard they always reliable "Jake gave us the best chance to win" spin. Translation: We had more confidence in a 36 year old man on one leg than with this 22 year old healthy as a horse kid we drafted from Texas. That is not a real vote of confidence, is it?

Now flash forward to Monday morning. I'm standing in line at Starbucks behind a Browns player in the defensive secondary. Now, I admittedly didn't recognize him at the time, but the way the girls behind the counter carried on, he was clearly a Brown. He was also a freakishly large guy in sweatpants. Praise be to the Browns web page so I could ID the dude... Anyway, when they asked him about the QB situation in the game this week, he said, "Well, Colt is pretty green... he's pretty green... I'm sure we'll figure out something."

If this guy on Monday morning says "we'll figure out something" instead of "Colt will do great!", you know that Colt McCoy really has to blow. It's not this Browns' player was unaware of Wallace and Delomme being taken out of the stadium strapped to a MASH helicopter the day before. He knows McCoy is the only healthy option they have on the team. He is also aware that starting Colt McCoy against arguably the best defense in football on the road might not work out too well. Even he must have been thinking, "Shit, can we sign Ryan Leaf or Todd Marinovich before Sunday?".

My understanding is the Browns almost cut McCoy during pre-season, but they figured the home fan base would lose their fucking minds if the organization consented on missing on yet another high draft pick. Hence, Brett Radliffe went quietly into the soft night. Until he was picked up off the Patriots practice squad on Monday afternoon that is... My guess is if you want to see Colt McCoy start an NFL game, this will be your only opportunity this Sunday. After that, look for your discount McCoy jerseys available on the sale rack at Dick's Sporting Goods. Pittsburgh -13

Quick Note: Has anyone in the NFL had anything other than a "high ankle sprain" since this term was invented a few years back? I can't recall hearing about a player that had just "an ankle sprain" in years. With all the hoopla attached to the "high ankle sprain", do you think I could get out of work for a few weeks if I roll this thing just right while cutting the lawn today?

Nurse the Hate: Hate the Stadium

Going to a stadium to attend a football game is a dangerous proposition. Half of the stadium is so drunk that they can't stand. Most of the stadium is so worked up, they forgot how to handle themselves in public. The real issue becomes that you have to sit within 16 inches in any direction of another person that normally you would avoid like a flea ridden junkyard dog. I have had beer spilled on me, ketchup splattered on me, and had urine on my shoes. This pales in comparison to the tale I am about to tell you.

The man attended the West Virginia football game. He was a longtime fan, loved the Mountaineers. It's West Virginia for God's sake! What else do you have there? This is it. This is the BIG TICKET. The Mountaineers are crushing some secondary school, but still the fans are going wild. Touchdown after touchdown require celebration after celebration. It was late in the third quarter, with the game pretty much on ice. Still, a touchdown is a touchdown and requires some whooping it up, no? The issue in this case was the man was seated directly in front of another fan that had a colostomy bag attached to him. Maybe it was the quick upswing on the arms in the touchdown Jesus pose... Maybe it was a sudden movement by someone seated nearby... Whatever it was, the colostomy bag was detached, and cartwheeled in the air spewing its contents towards the unsuspecting man.

When he first got drenched by the contents of the bag, he must have thought it was vomit, right? If you have attended a game, you have surely seen someone vomit. Usually you can tell when a circle of people pop out of their seats at once, pointing down and waving their arms wildly for a stadium attendant. Shortly afterwards the puker is escorted out in a Walk of Shame while facing the catcalls of the rows he passes. It actually requires nerves of steel to sit in that stadium. When you go to a game, you always know it could be you that gets barfed on, but you try not to think about it. It's like being a soldier heading into the beach on an invasion. One day that seat has your name on it, but you pray it's not today.

The smell of that colostomy bag fluid has to be unlike anything else though. The mind works quickly, and I'm sure his senses must have rapidly worked down a mental checklist eliminating things it could be. "Hmm... vomit? No. A bottle of urine? No, that's not quite it? A bag of manure? No... Did someone shit on me? No, that couldn't be it, could it?" There is no way your mind could conjure up "colostomy bag" unless the bag itself somehow wound up on your head and the contents flowed out onto you as you watched.

So where do you go from there? It is hard to imagine being able to handle the mammoth cleanup effort required with hot dog napkins, and a quick squirt of stadium men's room disinfectant. And it's not like you can punch out a dude who is wearing a colostomy bag. He didn't want to detach his bag. Hey, that poor guy is going to have to fish around on the ground to find his bag and re-attach. The whole situation is pretty grim.

This is why I am strongly recommending never leaving your house again. Get Direct TV. You'll be much happier. The outside world is way too savage to trust not having a colostomy bag dumped on you.