Nurse the Hate: The Academy Awards

As a known degenerate, I look for opportunities to gamble on things that might slip under the radar. Like my triumphant Miss USA grand slam a few years ago (Thank you Miss Texas!), you can find lines on events you never dreamed of. Tonight, the Academy Awards presents a sterling opportunity for savvy bettors to make a quick buck. The key to this awards show is to understand what these people are looking for in giving the award. What has happened in the past. And the golden rule of giving the award to characters with physical afflictions...

I have put a tidy sum on Colin Firth to win best actor in the otherwise forgettable "King's Speech". This is one of those movies that people giving these types of awards get VERY excited about. A character with a stutter? It's ideal. It gives the person casting the ballot the opportunity to feel good about themselves by casting a vote for someone with a physical disability. "Oh, what a horrible affliction. Can you imagine how poorly others must have treated that poor man!" At the same time, they can also pontificate about The Craft being exhibited by the actor. "Why, if I didn't know better, I would think that Mr. Firth had a speech problem. Jolly good!"

Now let's throw in that this film is a period piece. Somehow, movies seem more important if they are based in the past. They are more important still if everyone has a British accent. Everyone you know was more entertained by The Social Network, which wasn't even that good either. However, since it is about some nerdy guy with a shitty personality that made a kazillion dollars, no one wants to give that any more notice. "Hmm... The Social Network was good, but why does Mark Zuckerberg live in a mink castle and I live in 2000 square feet by a former cast member of Saved By the Bell? Best Picture my ass! What was the name of that movie with the stuttering British aristocrat? That's the vote..."

It's just like the all time example of "The English Patient". Only now years later can we admit that nobody liked that movie. It was about as pleasant as a rectal exam given by a thick fingered army doctor. However, everyone voted for it because it seemed "important" somehow. Trust me, it's that god damn British accent that tricks people.

I will also take a flier on Melissa Leo at -200 on best supporting actress in "The Fighter". Folks like to feel good about voting for someone that represents "The Common Working People". While everyone that attends that event and makes the votes likes the idea of lower class neighborhoods, salt of the earth, shot and a beer people, in fact this is about as close as any of them will ever get. Well, that would not include if they talk to their landscaper, but you get the idea. The ballots will swing "Working Class" instead of "The Kid" from True Grit. Kids don't get awards as they figure, "She's just a kid. She's happy just to be here. After she earns her stripes, we'll give her an award." Love that Melissa Leo at -200.

I don't know if I will actually watch the awards show. It seems like the best way to watch this show is with some extremely bitchy flamboyantly gay men that will make fun of everyone's outfit. However, let it be known that my interest level will be the same as theirs thanks to the never ending goodness of the online sports book. I wonder what Melissa Leo will be wearing...