Nurse the Hate: Hate Super Bowl Commercials

This morning I watched every crappy morning news program recap and analyze the Super Bowl commercials. The interesting thing about these recaps is that almost none of these people have any fucking idea about what they are talking about. For example, the "talent" of a morning show knows roughly as much about marketing as your typical lowland mountain ape. These people are paid to be likeable and to be able to read a teleprompter. The only reason they ever drift to the sales and marketing departments of the television station they work for is if someone brought in bagels or doughnuts. Their so called "expert" guests that weigh in are usually creative directors of giant ad agencies that are so far removed from the actual selling of the widgets they advertise, they wouldn't know an effective ad if it bit them in the junk. These people generally focus on winning awards in ad competitions judged by other people that make ads so they can charge potential clients more money down the line for their remarkable creative input. The thought being, "Well, that ad agency won a lot of little trophies. They must be good. We'll use them."

The problem with this little parlor game of deciding which were the "best" ads is that people are under the impression they know what a "good" ad looks like in the first place. Sure, you watch a lot of TV, so therefore you must be qualified to determine what is a good ad. Well, let me tell you, I have watched my fair share of medical shows on TV, but that doesn't mean I am qualified to remove your spleen on an operating table. But I do know how to create a good ad...

Let me tell you what a "good" ad is... It's one that sells product for the advertiser. That's it. You spend X to get 4X back in return. It's not the one that entertains you for 30 seconds. At the end of a "good" ad, you should say, "Man, I gotta have that." I watched so-called experts throw around terms like "awareness" and "branding". You know what those words are? Those are words used by someone with no financial stake in the company they are making the ad for. I ask you, if you owned a car dealership, would you rather have consumers "aware" of your dealership, or would you rather have sold 27 pick up trucks after your ad schedule ran on TV? The idea that ad campaigns are judged to be successful or not based on how much they entertained the masses is a moronic notion.

There was plenty of talk about the GoDaddy.com commercial today. Once again the company decided to be as outrageous as possible and push the tits and ass as far as they could. They want people talking about how scandalous their ads are, as they are under the impression that this buzz after the ad has aired will make it even more effective. I'm sure they are being very smug and self satisfied today after getting discussed on the Today Show and Good Morning America. Mission accomplished. But you know what? I have no fucking idea what GoDaddy.com is or what they do. They have spent millions of dollars over the years in the Super Bowl trying to reach men 25-54, and I have not been curious enough to even type that address into my computer. I'm sure they are busy high fiving each other in their trendy California headquarters today. Hopefully their investors will ask them what they are attempting to accomplish with those ads.

People seem to love that Doritos dog ad. The concept of that ad is that these spicy Doritos are so goddamn delicious that a dog will run through a plate glass door for them. You know what? I have a buddy with a dog that eats his own shit. I don't think we should trust the palate of your common dog. However, we can conclude that spicy Doritos taste better than dog feces... to a dog.

That Darth Vadar kid is getting a lot of run today too. Oh, he's just so precious in his little costume! And when his Dad makes the car respond to his Darth Vadar powers, it's just such a wonderful moment, isn't it? Of course, I have no idea why this will make you decide to buy that particular car. 999 out of 1000 people watching that will say, "How cute", and then price comparison shop a car that they feel reflects what they want to project to others. For those of you with a 5 year old that likes to dress up and play in costumes, perhaps this Volkswagon may be right for you. That agency that made the spot will gain plenty of clients from that ad, and they'll piss away those clients money too. Remember that ad a few years back with a toy Nissan 300ZX driving around in a house, and then GI Joe winds up with Barbie because he drives the cool Nissan? Everybody loved that ad. It won a kazillion awards too. Too bad Nissan was down something like 38% that year.

That Ozzy/Justin Bieber award was a big buzz too. I have no idea what they were even advertising. The only thing I will remember about that is how "The Prince of Darkness" will do anything as long as Sharon can make a buck off it. Remember when that guy was kinda scary? Now he's like a kooky Grandpa you wouldn't trust with the TV remote.

Why does Eminem have two sponsorships? Didn't he just get out of rehab? Didn't he used to beat up his girlfriend every 20 minutes? Now Chrysler and Lipton, who wouldn't dream of buying commercials in "controversial" programs, use this guy as their spokesman? Can you imagine how much money it cost to make that animated clay figurine commercial with him in it for Lipton iced teas? I read that Eminem alone made $1 million to do the spot. That's a shitload of canned iced tea you'd better sell just to get even. Meanwhile, when you walk into a 7-11, are you thinking, "I'll just bet that Eminem knows his non-alcoholic refreshments. I'll have a can of that Brisk tea!" Why didn't they just go with Charlie Sheen? "Hi, I'm Charlie Sheen. When I'm not smoking cocaine and banging hookers, I like to crack open a Lipton Brisk." Maybe it's just me, but Charlie does seem to know a good time, and that little Eminem fella seems pretty uptight. I'll have Charlie's tea. Celebrity endoresements are a real slippery slope. Just ask Nike about that Tiger Woods deal.

The real test of how effective these ads are will be when we can look at profit/loss statements for the parent companies next quarter. Until then, I would really appreciate all these Rubes on their talk shows stick to talking about something they know about, like how to solve the problem in Egypt, or the credit default mortgage crisis.